Fast facts (if you don’t have time to read the full post): Here is a glimpse into my mental health at this time. Also, if you send me something in the mail, can you let me know it is from you so I can properly thank you because I really love you for caring about me.

My doorbell rang and I wasn’t expecting a package from you. Who are you?

Dear mystery gift giver:

The mailman came and rang my doorbell. I had not ordered anything from Amazon. I should stop ordering from Amazon. The package was addressed to me. You knew where I lived. How did you know? I opened the box and saw a small blue box. “Waysoft Socks” it read. Animal themed socks. The pink pig socks are the funniest because they are pigs with leopard print. Who designed these??? They are ~way soft.~ There was also a pair of spring green breast therapy packs and Biotene dry mouth oral rinse. How did you know? You know me so well. Why do you know me so well?

There was no gift receipt to thank you, so I hope I can find you here. Alright, so now it’s your turn: maybe this comment section I have active is real… and maybe it isn’t. I dare you to find out. Please reply.

Looking for you,

The girl with the cancer at the home that receives packages.

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For a few hours last night, I felt normal. I didn’t have cancer. I was at my friend’s 30th birthday party with my hands in the air as the DJ played my song. My friends were laughing and dancing. There was cheese. For a brief moment I didn’t think about going to war on my body. I was Madison at an intimate gathering dancing with my friends. I felt free.

But the quiet moment in the corner of the kitchen while nursing my blue gin drink brought me down to reality. I had moments of heaviness in a room that made me want to feel forever happy and carefree. My world has felt like it has stopped. I feel like these final days leading up to my long road of treatment are so precious to me. I know my treatment won’t last forever. I will destroy the cancer in me. But I have major FOMO during the time I will be very sick. My life will revolve around making sure I live. I just hope I can find time to actually live in the moments where I feel like it is hard to keep going. I want to dance with my friends. I want new friends I meet at parties to tell me how amazing my hair looks. I want to sip little drinks that my friends craft for me with my parosmia in mind. I love how those things feel. They feel like my favorite sweater. They feel like home.

So many friends and family have made me feel loved and supported and nothing has even happened yet, well aside from the earth shattering news but you know what I mean. I have seen every single person in my life grab a pitchfork, ready to fuck shit up with me. What did I do to deserve this love in my lifetime?

Today’s song lyric of the day is brought to you by Macklemore. This song slaps. You should listen to it and dance in your home with me.

“And we danced and we cried
And we laughed and had a really, really, really good time
Take my hand, let’s have a blast
And remember this moment for the rest of our lives”

– And We Danced (feat. Ziggy Stardust), Macklemore