Fast facts (if you don’t have time to read the full post): Last night I got my hair cut short in preparation of losing my hair, as recommended by my oncologist. It will make losing my hair a less aggressive experience. I also experienced chemo induced nausea for the first time during my hair cut and that was a fucking nightmare. Today I received my first growth factor injection and overall I was able to manage most of my side effects today. I would call today a “good post-chemo day.” I do have dry mouth though and that is annoying as hell.

TO THE LONG VERSION!

“OH MY FUCK. You’re a rockstar! (fire emoji) What did I say?! Dopest most beautiful poison infused human (heart eyes emoji, sparkles emoji)” – A great text from a friend reviewing my new ~hottie rainbow~ hair cut.

I have no fears losing my hair at this point, except for my eyebrows and eyelashes. My eyelashes receive a lot of compliments and I have a feeling I will look like a confused raccoon without them. But other than that, I do look forward to looking like a naked mole rat for a while. Based on the turbans and wigs I got from the resource center at the cancer center yesterday, I will look decent. Not to mention all the wig hookups from my friends. Bless. One less thing to worry about.

Speaking of worries, let’s talk about the insane amount of weird nausea I had last night. I forgot to tell you all that the red devil chemo makes my pee turn red. If you want to see that, you have to text me for that photo since I am not sure everyone wants to see red urine. That is a consent-only request. It is kind of cool though. Satan’s Kool Aid coming out of me. Or you can try it for yourself with beet juice. Less toxic. I did that once during my big juicing phase. Purple pee is a fun surprise you should try once in your life!

I was sitting in the barber chair chatting with my friend who cut my hair for me and I seriously was concerned about what was going to happen next. Would I vomit? Would I puke? Would both ends be never ending streams of fluids in this innocent barber shop? I could not leave a toxic mess for my friend. That also would be just horrific and scarring for all involved. We took several breaks so I could ride the waves of nausea but holy fucking shit. Supposedly I will continue to get worse with side effects for the next week until Thursday and then be on the up and up until I enter round two. Wash, rinse, repeat. Honestly, how do I get much worse than last night? I don’t even want to fucking know! It felt like a bad flu or COVID and a hangover combined. I wanted to die. And if you had the OG COVID like I did, that COVID sucked hard.

Zofran did save the day, though! The moment I got home, I took my meds and 20 minutes later I was a lot better. Sleeping was less than ideal. The steroids I am on will cause me to have insomnia or poor sleep. I woke up every couple of hours thinking I had to get up to work, but it was really only 1:30 am. And I didn’t work today. What a mess. I woke up feeling rather normal. I took my new round of meds (a steroid, Claritin, anxiety, and Zofran) this morning and made it through today without any real side effects aside from general fatigue and a dry mouth.

The only real hard part of today was the shot in my stomach for the growth factor to spur white blood cells. My anxiety meds did their job and I had zero anxiety going to the appointment. The nurse bundled up some of my skin next to my belly button, sprayed the numbing spray, and stabbed me. I didn’t really feel the needle until she pulled it out and the medicine spread out. That was uncomfortable, but I was good to go five minutes later and took a short cat nap in the car on the way home. Nice.

My favorite highlight of today was connecting with a friend who is a breast cancer thriver. Same diagnosis and treatment plan as me, except BRACA 1 and 2 negative. It was amazing to hear her story and have someone to ask questions freely. We shared tears and laughs and rage and it was a space I hope I can create for someone else someday who might need it. The biggest take away for me is that cancer is often portrayed as this event in your life and you move on. Cancer is life transforming. It is catastrophic. That experience is with you forever. My treatment will last for at least five years beyond the day I am declared cancer free. Cancer will determine my medical care for at least the next 10 years, if not longer, if I do test positive for BRCA1. I will require a hysterectomy by the time I am 40. There is life beyond cancer of course, but it is not the life I had 25 days ago and it never will be again. Ever.

The worst part of today is that I have sad news to share with you all. I announced yesterday that my parosmia is gone. For the most part, I truly believe it is. Some of my really hard trigger foods are still not amazing, but they definitely do not have the COVID smell. However… the chemo taste has replaced the COVID taste. These are very distinct experiences. Having COVID parosmia for a year has been a huge learning curve, but I have been able to adapt and create plans around it. Now things are even more unpredictable. I literally thought of fucking broccoli in the car today and I thought I was going to vomit. THE THOUGHT OF BROCCOLI WAS SO BAD I WANTED TO PUKE. And I literally have not had broccoli in a year. Now I am thinking about broccoli and it is less scary but I am still annoyed. Chemo is also suppressing my appetite. I want to eat, but nothing sounds great. Honestly, I would rather have parosmia than deal with chemo taste and smell issues. I know, you’re shook I am saying this but if today is an indication of how this is going to turn on me, I want off this ride. Fuck this shit. Long story short, getting me food is now a shitty thing that I cannot even give you directions for anymore. Fuck. Sorry.

Also, I would like to start a petition for better Wi-Fi service in the chemo ward. I couldn’t even get on my blog yesterday to type about what was happening to me! That is a real problem. Sure, I can be disconnected during that time. It might be good for me, but I mean… I want the option or at least for my friends and family who come with me to have the option to be entertained while I am a zombie. I chatted with my friend at the foundation and personally told them I will interview the IT department so that we can solve this problem for all future patients. Yeah sure I can download my Netflix shows ahead of time, but what if I don’t download the right one or I want to watch something different and I enter chemo rage?! We don’t want that, especially given how much time I have to spend there.

One final note. I want to find like simple decor I can pack in my chemo bag so I can make my chemo pods festive and then pull the decor down when I leave. Maybe a cute banner from Target? Something funny from Etsy like “Crying Is Cool” or “This Party Is Shit.” I heard you could put Christmas lights on the IV machine. Might as well make my time there fun and exciting.

Chemo countdown: One of four red devils complete. Three to go. Fifteen rounds of chemo in total left until I get to RING THAT CHEMO BELL. I hope it is a cow bell. We need more cow bell.

Today’s song lyric of the day is brought to you by Lady Gaga (again.) I blared this on my way to my hair cut in tears.

“I just wanna be myself, and I want you to love me for who I am
I just wanna be myself, and I want you to know
I am my hair

I’ve had enough, this is my prayer
That I’ll die living just as free as my hair”

– Hair, Lady Gaga