Fast facts (if you don’t have time to read the full post): Today I had my first encounter with mood swings, caused by the chemically induced menopause I am now experiencing thanks to my hormone blocker. It was horrible. That word alone cannot capture the day in emotional hell I had. Also fuck bone pain. My bone pain is manifesting in my face right above my eyes and also in my knees, lower back, and right elbow. Can it be that specific?

TO THE LONG VERSION!

Menopause is here. It is not what I thought it would be. When I have heard of the phrase “mood swings” I had this idea that one moment you are sad about the burger commercial you saw on TV and the next you are raging about your neighbor’s lawn looking better than yours. It is like an on and off switch that feels quite binary and you can rationalize it and cope. But after experiencing my first one, it is nothing like that and there is no advice someone can give to prepare for one other than you have to just ride the wave, breathe, and let the emotion happen. It does not make sense. There is no on and off switch. You have no say in what is about to happen.

My first mood swing was fully triggered by the inability to order the hearty nine grain pancakes from Denny’s online. I literally could not find them on the menu. This admission makes me feel like a fucking three year old who is still learning how to manage their emotions. I couldn’t get them through their web page, UberEats, or Door Dash. I had already gone to Costco, was annoyed by how many people decided to show up at 9:30 am as me and my partner, and I was really hungry. Despite eating a protein shake before going to Costco, my body was already demanding more from me. It is a side effect of all the shit my body is experiencing right now. I literally can eat and then an hour later feel like I haven’t eaten for days. I probably would do well in an eating competition. Bring on the dancing hot dogs!

Once we realized I could not get the pancakes I desired as a pick up option, we decided we will just have to eat there. I could already feel the emotions piling up in my brain, but I had no idea what it meant. I just thought I was hangry. As Denny’s came into our horizon, we noticed there were people waiting in line to get in and instantly I realized my pancake dreams were crushed. I could not wait for my pancakes! That thought alone was bizarre since I was willing to wait to pick them up via curbside, but logic doesn’t exist here right now folks. The tears began to fall. My cheeks were hot with rage, but I was still perplexed in my brain why I was having such a strong emotional response to something I generally would move on from. I was literally having a conversation in my brain that was rational as my body decided to have an irrational response. By the time we got home, I was fully sobbing. I could not catch my breath. It felt like an anxiety attack mixed with learning about the loss of my dog passing away earlier this week and something…. else. It was sadness, it was confusion, it was something beyond anything I could comprehend. My body was eliciting this strong response and I was trapped in my brain wondering what the fuck was happening.

I called my mom. I had no idea who else I could call about this because none of it was making any sense to me. I didn’t want to scare my friends. How was it I could be so upset and feel nothing at all? I could not stop the tears, no matter how hard I tried. They were not my own. My words were hard to communicate. I did not understand what was happening. I was having a great day. My mental health has been relatively stable, despite the shit storm I currently live in so why was I so upset? Surely this could not be because of the pancakes?! THEY ARE JUST FLUFFY CARB VEHICLES.

Then it dawned on me: I was having a menopausal mood swing. I was devastated. DEVASTATED. I watched my body break down emotionally. It was physically exhausting. All I could do was sit on my floor and let the tears fall. I had zero control over myself despite being acutely aware of what was happening. In a span of 45 minutes, my body crashed and burned. Once I could compose myself, I ate and took a long three hour nap.

I have never felt more scared to live in my body than today. I though the cancer and constipation incident earlier this week was scary enough but I am now learning I have zero control over anything happening anymore. This is no longer my body. It is a war zone. My fully competent self is trapped in my brain box banging on the windows to escape. The inability to know when I will not be able to regulate my emotions properly is alarming. I cannot afford to have a breakdown like the one today at work or in any other public setting. Am I now a ticking time bomb waiting to explode? When is the next mood swing? Do I need to avoid pancakes for a long time? Is this response normal? I have so many questions about this menopause mood swing thing.

SOS. Send help!

Today’s song lyric of the day is brought to you by Alanis Morissette.

“My house is spotless, my lens is
Skewed, my limbs they recoil
And I’m folding in on myself
Since I am out of order

Call it what you want
‘Cause I don’t even care anymore
Call me what you want to
To make yourself comfortable”

– Diagnosis – Muhsinah Remix, Alanis Morissette