Fast facts (if you don’t have time to read the full post): Welcome to chemo week! I have my third round of red devil chemo on Thursday morning at 10:15 am. I am officially over halfway done with the hardest part of chemotherapy! Yay me! But the sad part is that chemo compounds over time and I am starting to feel the effects. Rip.

TO THE LONG VERSION!

The version of me six months ago would have never imagined that my new favorite evening activity would be mixing up a fine ass strawberry milkshake… with Miralax. Why dissolve Miralax in water when you can blend it into your favorite dairy delight? I know some of you lactose free folks are over here cringing and holding your panties, but your girl here has zero problems with dairy fucking up her bowels, thus the Miralax. We do what we have to do on chemo to survive (and stay regular!) and that sometimes means milkshakes with a twist!

Milkshakes and other cold fun items also have been a blessing to my poor mouth. I have mouth sores hardcore right now! They kind of come and go, though. When I say mouth sores, some of you might be picturing some sort of festering hole of grossness. Or at least that is what I was picturing when I learned that mouth sores are a fun side effect of chemo. You know when your waiter sits down your favorite pizza and you see the steam coming off the greasy little bubbling cheese pores and you grab a slice and stick it in your hungry little mouth anyway? And then YOU BURN YOURSELF? It is a fast karma that is almost always worth it. Hot cheese is so fun. That is what my mouth sores feel like. They are burnt patches all over my gums and tongue and inner cheek meats. What makes matters worse is that they are in tricky spots and change throughout the day. And I am a bad cancer patient. I was told not to eat spicy food and probably avoid rough textured things when I am experiencing sores and yet…. I still am putting Ruffles on my sandwich for lunch and loading up my eggs with Cholula. This is probably why I have sores. I may never learn.

This weekend I decided to treat my sister to dinner as a thank you for taking care of my cancer ass. Let me tell you that it was my favorite meal I have eaten in 2022. I thought at first by saying that it might sound like the bar is super low given the fact that I have had parosmia for the past year, but you all know that I know what good food tastes like and a lot of my parosmia has faded away for the most part. I still have some major issues with some foods (selective cheeses, sour cream, coffee, chocolate, oranges, certain chickens and turkey meats, and both garlic and onions are still a little off), but I have had a lot of relief as of late. I have been dying to visit Dovetail Joint Restaurant in Richland and let me tell you, we feasted like the little queens we were and had a magical food experience. 10/10 recommend.

I am obsessed with food that provides a spiritual experience. Food is meant to connect folks together. It is storytelling. It is culture. It is an educational opportunity if you are willing to listen. It is one of the most enlightening experiences I think one can have when you choose to eat for a higher purpose than being fed. A lot of my eating habits right now are a means to survive, but when I get the chance to enjoy a meal that can enrich my soul and take me somewhere else, I take it. Our dinner at Dovetail was just that and it really was a treat to dine with someone who is just as passionate about food as I am.

We ordered the arancini and house charcuterie board for our starters. The arancini was a bold move on my end because so many of the ingredients in caponata have been unsafe with parosmia but I was pleasantly surprised when the experience was beyond pleasant and actually enjoyable! Also arancini is a blessing in this world. Who doesn’t like fried risotto and cheese?! Both my sister and I were confused at first about the charcuterie board since it didn’t come with cheese, but the menu clearly states “assorted cured meats.” I guess I need to learn to read, which is ironic given I work at a library. However, after exploring and building several meat, bread, and ground mustard piles we didn’t even miss the lack of cheese. Also, there were these little preserved apples to help cut some of the fat from the meats and let me tell you, that was the BEST part. I kindly asked my waiter if there was any way I could take some more of those apples home to finish off my leftover meats, but sadly they had run out. Cue tears. I dream of those little apple gems.

We fully enjoyed our prefunk appetizers and we were not disappointed with our meals either. My sister ordered their pasta and meatballs, while I enjoyed the house falafel on pita. Her pasta dish was creamy and rich and everything you want to satisfy you before lulling you to sleep. It was indeed magical. The pita was bigger than my bald head and it was like resting an angel’s pillow in your mouth. It had the chew you wanted, while caressing my little mouth sores. Falafel was bold in flavor and danced harmoniously with the hummus and other veg that decorated the pita. It came with some rather large slices of pepper which my mouth did not enjoy this time around, but I simply picked those off and had my perfect dish. We walked out feeling so happy and in need of naps.

I have to say, there are beautiful places to eat in the Tri-Cities and right now I am looking for every opportunity to eat food that makes me feel some type of way before the dreaded chemo tastes kick in. I do have a feeling if I can survive a year with parosmia (aka a year in food purgatory) I can survive a few months or however long with chemo tastes. I have experienced some shit with parosmia that has made me even more grateful and blessed when I can experience food properly. So much of my food for so long has tasted like rotten milk, dirt, orange cleaner, metal, even poop-esque that the blissful return of experiencing food as it really is has made my life fill with color. So here is your notice folks, take me out to dinner now before I get fucked again! Just kidding. But also, let’s eat.

I will note the one thing I have not tried with my updated parosmia is wine… I really hope it doesn’t taste like rotten milk. I cannot believe I worked at a winery for almost a whole year with parosmia and I couldn’t enjoy the wines! Just goes to show how talented and obsessed I am with wine… wink wink!

Today’s song lyric of the day is brought to you by 3OH!3 because you should never trust a fart when taking Miralax.

“T-tell your boyfriend if he says he’s got beef
That I’m a vegetarian and I ain’t fucking scared of him

She wants to touch me (whoa)
She wants to love me (whoa)
She’ll never leave me (whoa, whoa, oh, oh)

Don’t trust a ho
Never trust a ho
‘Cause a hoe won’t trust me”

– DONTTRUSTME, 3OH!3