Fast facts (if you don’t have time to read the full post): Whew! I took the whole weekend to just kind of… be. I spent large chunks of my time recovering from chemo which involved many naps, but also trying to find pieces of myself. I am only a short three days away from chemo number eight, which will mark the halfway point in terms of total treatments. I also have a meeting in Spokane this Friday to meet with the plastic surgeons to learn more about breast reconstruction! A busy week!
TO THE LONG VERSION!
I love spring on Badger Mountain. Greens, yellows, purples, and creams paint the rolling switchbacks like a cleverly painted Bob Ross canvas. The beetles are out, lifting their little stinky black butts up when you walk by them on the trail. The air is fresh and not too hot. The trail feels new. And if you hibernate like I do and take the winter off from hiking Badger, the first couple of treks up the mountain make you feel like you’ve never exercised in your life. I love the struggle. By summer, I am well conditioned and challenging myself to beat my time, but nothing quite compares to the first spring time climbs.
Normally by this time of the year I am well acclimated to hiking the mountain. Last spring, I went every weekend and sometimes during the week. I would hike up the steep side and run down the longer switchbacks or run around the back of the mountain. But cancer has made exercising a bitch. I mean, I exercise but it not with the same intensity as before. Lifting ten pound dumbbells feel like fifty some days. Not to mention the horrible neuropathy I have in my fingers (particularly my thumbs) makes grasping onto weights a challenge on its own. Any sort of cardio leaves my body feeling fatigued. I guess it is less of the cancer and more of the chemo at this point, but I blame the cancer! The chemo is just trying to kill it. Cancer is just fucking around and finding out that it is not welcome in my body.
I’ve cried so much over the loss of my physical strength lately. I know my body is fighting a more important fight, but it is hard not to mourn all the hard work I had put into conditioning my body to lift weights and run. Hell, last fall I ran a 5k in 28 minutes. That was a HUGE DEAL for me. I had worked all summer training and preparing. And the moment I got my diagnosis in February I knew my spring and summer routine was changing and it has changed. I am able to exercise on these “easier” chemo treatments, but gosh it just about knocks me out. I fucking hate it. It makes me feel weak. I know this is a temporary blip in my timeline, but it fucking sucks. I don’t care that it is temporary. It feels like fucking forever.
I haven’t been up Badger all spring until today. I asked my best friend if she would go with me on the easier side of the mountain and let me see how far I could get. She was patient and kind and helped me be realistic about my goal of reaching to the top. There were offers to stop if I needed it, but I powered through the fatigue. Forty minutes and two miles later, I was at the top. It felt like hiking for the first time. My body was TIRED but I accomplished something that felt so sweet on my mental and physical health. I know my body will pay for it later, but it felt so GOOD to do something I wanted to do and that was good for me. It was hard, but today I thank my vessel for its resilience. Existing is hard right now, but I want to keep going.
I also made art this weekend! I really haven’t made anything other than my stickers since January. Gosh I miss just creating for the sake of creating. My soul needed that. I’ve had this bubble gum piece stuck in my head for months and I finally was like fuck it, I want to do this. I had purchased two large tubs of Dubble Bubble gum a couple months ago in preparation. I have been on the hunt for the most PERFECT box. Saturday, I bought two more tubs of gum and a pink eyeliner and we were in business. I love that art can be just that: 1200 pieces of bubble gum and a cardboard box. Don’t let your dreams be dreams. Yesterday you said tomorrow so JUST DO IT.
On a more random note, I ate chicken wings this weekend and my lovely friend gifted me the most delicious candles from Snarky Cancer. “Smells like Scanxiety” is my favorite because it smells like baked bread! I kid you not. If you love the sweet scent of carbs caressing your face holes, this candle is for YOU! I also have scanxiety, so this candle just makes sense for me as a human. I would also recommend “Chill TF Out” as well. Classic candle smell. I do enjoy chilling the fuck out. I love that this business is local and they do quite a bit of fundraising efforts to support cancer patients. 10/10 recommend their candles if you want to gift someone in your life something magically delicious.
I also confirmed that I am still very much into strawberry freezer jam. I want to be jammin’ all summer long. Hehe.
Now. I am going to stop blogging because I am forcing myself to take a bath because I went up a mountain today. I am pretty sure my body will be fucked if I don’t soak in some epsom salts.
Today’s song lyric of the day is brought to you by Saweetie.
“Beep-beep, is that my bestie in a Tessie?
Fresh blow out, skin on tan, ooh, she ready
Bitch, you look goodt, with a T at the end
I’ma hype her every time, that my motherfuckin’ friend”
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