Fast facts (if you don’t have time to read the full post): Today marks 100 days since my diagnosis. A lot can happen in 100 days and a lot has happened. And a lot more is going to happen in 100 more days! I am shook I am still alive! Speaking of being alive, I turn 30 in a week. Weird. I mean, not that weird. I am not scared of turning 30. I think my 30s might be kind of fun. I see a lot of plants and home improvement projects in my future.

TO THE LONG VERSION!

“Cancer came to steal and to kill, but turns out that it actually has given me an irreplaceable gift: an immovable belief in unconditional love, and an understanding of what an honor it is to be here- alive and apart of the moving golden world.” – An excerpt from NIGHTBIRDE’s unreleased “A Cure For Loneliness” essay

Ooof. A wonderful friend tagged me in this excerpt on Facebook and I lost myself in the depth of deep emotional abyss because it was a feeling I have been trying to communicate to myself and to others lately and the right words never seem to flow out of my mouth. It is hard to say that cancer can come bearing gifts because that is not the case for everyone and I don’t want to minimize that experience for others. Cancer fucking sucks 99% of the time. But this quote is something that deeply resonates with me. I live (temporarily) in hell but I am surrounded by angels. I have never felt so loved in my entire life.

I just hope I am loved because I am me and not because I am sick and people are worried I might drop dead at any time. Or that they want to say they loved me if I do die. I mean it is better to love when you are here than wish you had loved more when someone is gone, but I am like have I always been this loved and didn’t know it or is this new because cancer? Is it weird that I am concerned with these thoughts? Is this my depression and anxiety talking? I think about the times where I was severely depressed and my phone lay silent next to me and all I could wish was for it to ring. And now my phone is constantly flooded with texts and thoughts and notifications and I have zero energy to keep up and I wish I could turn my phone off.

Does any of this make sense? I hate that I second guess why people love me. I probably should bring this up in therapy. I am sure it is rooted in my trauma somewhere. Wait nevermind, I kind of know why haha. I will save that for therapy.

Speaking of unconditional love and wonderful things, I have a funny story for you all. I enjoy taking walks on my union sanctioned breaks. (Sorry being a smart ass.) I spend my time patrolling the park for cute squirrels to feed and birds to chase. I have a lot of weird energy. Anyway, I was on my way back into work and my car in the parking lot caught my eye. The windshield… it was all black??? What the fuck? I was with my co-worker and I was like “Yo, what is wrong with my car???” and she got really concerned. And then I realized there was nothing wrong with my car, rather there was something covering my windshield! I don’t have a windshield reflector, so we walked a little closer. Here is what we saw:

So if you recall, I saw this SAME WINDSHIELD REFLECTOR leaving chemo on May 19. I thought it was dope as fuck. Little skellies giving off spooky cancer vibes? I’m in. I attempted to Google it so I could buy one, but then got quickly distracted and chemo brain took over and I forgot I wanted this. Well… here is the thing about having amazing friends/co-workers who read your blog: they do shit for you. This was attempt #2 on behalf of this co-worker to plot amazing surprises for me. The first was setting out three bowls of lemon KitKats on my desk while I was away in the break room. I caught her in the act, but wow like so freaking nice. And today was the second attempt. She must have taken my keys off my desk since I am lazy and always forget to put them away. Seriously, I am so lucky to be loved and blessed by so many of you with your random acts of kindness and attention to my blog. I might have to stop talking about things I want in here because it is making me feel guilty that I am not returning the favor!

Remember when I talked about love languages? My giving love language is gift giving. I love giving presents! My receiving love languages are acts of service and time spent together. Receiving generosity and gifts is really challenging for me because my first impulse is to give something back immediately. Could that be rooted in trauma as well? Why do I feel like whenever someone gives to me I have to give back? Rather, I want someone to feel loved as much as they made me, but I feel like a failure when I am not able to accomplish that right away, like right now. I am working on it, but damn it is hard. To accept gifts, help, and love is something I am not good at. Lots of room for improvement with me. Excuse me as I keep trying to be okay with all of this unconditional love stuff.

Today’s song lyric of the day is brought to you by Alper Tuzcu.

“Me siento tan afortunado
Estoy tan agradecido
Me siento tan feliz,
de haberte encontrado”

– Afortunado, Alper Tuzcu, Nicoh Kwan