Fast facts (if you don’t have time to read the full post): Tomorrow is chemo day! Woo…. Today I ended up in the ER for my finger. It just became too painful and we had to drain that bitch! Today is a short post, so if you are into semi gory details and you like cyst videos, this might be a fun read for you.

TO THE LONG VERSION!

I have decided that chemo has increasing levels of intensity, kind of like the gyms Ash Ketchum would have to fight in Pokémon. You start off at a basic ass gym and there is like a really stupid Metapod you take on. No biggie. You destroy his ass. Metapod is a loser. And then at the next gym, there is like a Voltorb, so you know things are starting to get interesting. And you keep going until you’re lost in a dark ass cave battling it out with Mewtwo and you keep dying, but luckily you saved your game so you can easily come back each time to keep trying, but that shit is hard. You end up in a Pokémon Center because you died and blacked out. Rip. The game isn’t over, but you know things are really fucking hard. You need to weaken and defeat Mewtwo!

So my breast cancer is basically Mewtwo and if anything I just said to you makes zero sense, I am really sorry. I definitely was transported back to my life as a young one playing Pokémon with my sister on our Gameboys on our way to the ocean. But it was all I could think about today when I ended up in the ER for the third time during this ~delightful~ cancer experience. The farther I get into treatment, the harder things are getting and obviously the risk of things fucking up for me get higher. I am not having fun.

Okay so we all saw my fingers in my last post. If you haven’t yet, go look at them, those ugly little swollen rotten hot dogs. I briefly discussed how swollen my finger was last night. I got my antibiotics around 10:45 pm last night and I took one pill before bed in hopes that I could start the healing process and destroy the infection. I dreamed all night that I was cured but woke up with my finger more swollen and tender. I tried to ignore it and tell myself I was okay, but by 11 am at work, I knew it was time to go to the ER and take care of this problem. So I called my best friend and we galloped into the sunset after I shoved a handful of Cheese Its into my mouth.

The ER was lit. I did my best to use my cancer card to get a room quickly. I am just saying if you ever get cancer and need to go to the ER, use your literal and figurative cancer card. The two people across from us in the waiting room refused to wear their masks normally and I was THIS CLOSE to telling them to pull their masks up because I have cancer. I mean I basically play a game every time I go to the ER and try to guess why everyone else is there. And honestly, just because they seemed fine made me feel extremely suspicious. I didn’t want them to get me sick. Do they wonder why I am there? Is it obvious I am a cancer patient with a turban, wearing a nice dress and earrings to the ER? I think my anxiety makes me think weird thoughts. Also it is a fun game to pass the time.

We ended up with a room relatively quickly and our PA (Cade) was super awesome and funny. Ultimately we agreed it was time to drain my finger, but not before we got a little education on the two types of infection that could be happening in my finger: paronychia or felon. According to American Family Physician, “Paronychia, which can be acute or chronic, is an infection or inflammation of the nail fold. Treatment involves warm soaks, topical antibiotics, and abscess drainage, if indicated. A felon is an infection of the distal pulp of the finger. Treatment often involves surgical drainage and oral antibiotics.” I luckily was still in the paronychia phase, but I was on my way to be a felon. This infection was a crime against the humanity of my finger! And honestly we all should be glad I did not have a felon because the process to drain that involved a scalpel going through my finger sideways through and through. Hard pass.

So we numbed a bitch up (right at the base of my finger) and Sue held my other hand tightly as Cade released the Kraken! I refused to watch but Sue likened the experience to an excellent cyst video on YouTube. The pressure was so immense blood sprayed out and Cade had to dodge the chunks and fluid that was released. It sounded impressive and incredibly gross that my finger had that power! And at some point he dug a needle under my nail, which I semi felt and did not appreciate. But the relief…. oh sweet relief! I ended up with a blood sprayed blanket and a relieved finger and I got to have ice cream after surviving another fuckening.

So I am still typing like a five year old but my finger is feeling less sketchy. I told Cade I hope I don’t return, but would definitely recommend his drainage skills on Yelp and would ask for him again if I had another rogue fingernail, which is very possible at this point. I’d endorse that skill on his LinkedIn. He was awesome.

Today I took on another “gym boss” like in Pokémon and I defeated it. We get closer and closer to the final gym aka my last day of chemo and I just wonder what kind of fuckery is left for me to encounter? I don’t think I am being pessimistic when I say that, but rather a realist because just when you think you’ve seen it all and survived it all, your finger could get swollen and want to kill you. Just another day in the life of a cancer patient I guess!

Today’s song lyrics of the day are brought to you by the Beach Boys.

“A lotta guys try to catch her
But she leads them on a wild goose chase now
(You drive like an ace now, you drive like an ace)

And she’ll have fun fun fun
‘Til her daddy takes the T-bird away
(Fun fun fun ’til her daddy takes the T-bird away)”

– Fun, Fun, Fun, Beach Boys