Fast facts (if you don’t have time to read the full post): Today was chemo number twelve! FOUR CHEMOS LEFT! I REPEAT FOUR CHEMOS LEFT! It is hard to believe I have endured 16 weeks of this shit. I cannot believe I made it this far, but the next four weeks will kick my ass. My body is breaking down. My fingers are numb; my nails are falling off. My chemo brain is entering a higher gear. Energy is low. My white blood cell count and neutrophils were low today, but I am not getting injections to boost me, so if you are sick or are around folks who have been or are sick, please DO NOT SEE ME. Be right back as I enter hiding the next four weeks. I don’t want that COVID strain that is going around. It may just kill me or put me in the ER or hospital and delay treatment. Wash your hands folks and stay vigilant!

TO THE LONG VERSION!

I have discovered the secret to fixing my constipation: eat a shit ton of corn, nectarines, and cherries! Bye bye Miralax! The summer fruits are out to save my butt hole!

I also discovered two other things today: I do not have fingerprints anymore and chemotherapy is made to order when I am at the cancer center. Yup! Today was loaded full of delightful fun facts. The more you know. More on that here in a minute.

Do you believe that who you meet has a purpose and that their timing is destiny or at least meant to be when it happens? I do and it has not been more crystal clear than now as I reflect on my life in this very moment that everyone who is part of this narrative is meant to be here. There is an intricate web of connections that are bridging moments with the right people I need to meet and be with at this time. And let me tell you it is damn beautiful. It is the sun emerging in the middle of the storm to remind me that despite all the stupid fucked up shit I am experiencing, there are also some beautiful things that are only possible because of this experience.

I started my morning connecting with someone who had breast cancer during the pandemic. She was the second AYA (adolescent and young adult) I have met that is my age. The conversation was heavy, but educational. She really knows her shit! I feel like I need to do more research! But I walked away feeling seen, heard, and ready to learn more from her. I am just saying that if any of you get cancer, be a mentor or a friend after treatment if you have capacity to do so. I cannot wait to share this information with someone else to help them survive treatment. Access to information is empowering and she was just the friend I needed to talk to today.

We left for my blood labs 30 minutes early just in case I needed to do tPA to get my port accessible to give blood. If you remember last week’s ordeal, I had a menty b (mental breakdown slang) because I had to get my blood drawn from my arm and you all know I FUCKING HATE NEEDLES. I sobbed the whole time. So because I am a planner, we went early today because I hate wasting people’s time. Of course Harry Porter and the Prisoner of Cancerban was a good little port and finally spilled the blood with ease. We avoided a tPA moment and befriended a nurse (who I knew from high school but she had no idea who I was aside from being a patient there) who told me I am like the cancer center celebrity. Everyone is always talking about me, my stickers, and wanting me as a patient. Y’all….. how do I capture the essence of this and use it in moments when interviewers or people who are meeting me for the first time ask me to describe myself. “Yeah so basically I am kind of like a big deal. Everyone at the cancer center was obsessed with me and thought I am really cool. It appears I am the kind of person you want to know.” SOLD????

But also that is literally like nicest compliment on the planet. To be loved in this capacity is an indescribable feeling. Despite me wanting to end chemo because poison in my body is hard, I will be devastated and depressed without my nurses and other cancer center staff every week. They’ve become pillars of strength in my life, my emotional support humans. They make chemo worth going to, along with my rotating emotional support humans I bring with me to chemo.

Today’s emotional support human was my friend Rosie. We got to experience a rare snack day! The snack bar had some new snacks including cookies and some sort of “pastry crisp” whatever that means. But the cran grape juice was back (that has been gone for WEEKS) and we got treated to two types of guacamoles for chemocuterie. Fancy!

One of my AYA cancer friends came by and delivered some fresh cherries, too! That was a TREAT. More slick poos for me! My favorite saying during cherry season is, “I am one cherry away from chorro.” And for the folks who don’t speak Spanish, you might have already guessed “chorro” is diarrhea and you are correct. But do NOT get “chorro” and “churro” confused. One is a delicious snack covered in cinnamon sugar and the other… well, you know.

SHITTY SEGWAY TO RANDOM PHOTOS INTERMISSION!

Many of my favorite nurses came by the party pod to say hello, give hugs, and check in. Again, I feel so loved by so many people it is INSANE. I want to bottle up these feelings and put them in a jar for when I am insanely depressed and feel like I have no friends. We are planning a chemocuterie and potato party to say “TA TA to my TATAS” in August. That may be the most exciting party I will ever attend. All my favorite nurses in a room full of cheese and potatoes?! YES PLEASE.

I just rhymed!

I also am contemplating a “Christmas in July” decor theme for my chemo pod the next couple of weeks. If I have energy, I need to find some Christmas lights and a star for my IV pole, maybe some clings for the walls? I don’t know. I kind of like my rainbow shit, though. Is rainbow Christmas a thing? I am giving myself more work. I need to stop.

Okay so I want to circle back to the fingerprints and chemo fun facts we learned today. When I was chatting with my first AYA friend this morning before chemo, she mentioned how chemo took away her fingerprints. And in that moment a light bulb went off in my head: I have a fingerprint reader on my phone and it has been having issues lately. I thought my phone was broken and so I looked down at my fingers and what do I see? I HARDLY HAVE A FINGER PRINT ANYMORE. WUT. I was stunned. SHOOK. And half jokingly I told this girl (that I just met for the first time), “Wow I could get away with killing someone!” She didn’t respond to that so I feel awkward now. I need to tell her I listen to a lot of Crime Junkie and I am in fact not a killer. Stay sexy and don’t get murdered!

Secondly, we were chatting with my pod nurse today and learned that all chemos are made to order! My chemo every week goes through a checklist of people who have to approve my blood results and vitals and other information before the pharmacist can take action and cook up my bag of chemo. Literally, there are people going all “Breaking Bad” on this shit in the building! I literally had NO IDEA and that explains why the pharmacy is sometimes running behind. My carboplatin chemo always comes out before taxol because it is easier to make! Again, shook. When you think you know it all, YOU DON’T. And honestly I would love to see the process. That seems so rad.

So goals this week: Don’t get sick, don’t end up in the ER, and make it to chemo number thirteen. Got it. Oh and eat a lot of cherries. Poop town here I come!

Today’s song lyrics of the day are brought to you by the Chance the Rapper.

“The highs and the lows
The highs, the lows

I’m an emotional rollercoaster (ah)
With highs so high, could put Bol Bol on a poster (mm)
But when the bread get low like four loaves in a toaster
Or the shoulders can get cold as ten toes in Nova Scotia”

– The Highs & The Lows, Chance the Rapper, Joey Bada$$