Fast facts (if you don’t have time to read the full post): I received the results of my CT scan on Friday morning around 10 am. Want to know the results? Of course you do. I guess you will have to read the post to learn more! I meet with the surgeon on Tuesday and have a wonderful Zoladex stomach injection on Thursday. I thought I would be feeling a lot perkier these days being a week and three days post-chemo, but I just feel… weird. The neuropathy is heavy in my fingers and my body just feels strange randomly. I don’t feel super shitty, just a little shitty and honestly out of it.

There will be a viewing for my aunt on Wednesday and a funeral on Saturday, I believe. Once I get more information I will share it here if there are folks who knew her following this blog and you’d like to attend.

TO THE LONG VERSION!

I’ve never had strong eyebrows. I can’t tell if it is a long term result of the over plucking in the early 2000’s or if it is genetics. I am willing to bet genetics since my mom doesn’t have a ton either. In 2019, I made the bold choice to get my eyebrows microbladed. For someone who hates needles, that was an interesting decision on my end but actually it was pretty fucking amazing and I would recommend it to anyone. It was relatively painless, involved a ton of lidocaine, and gave me a little confidence boost.

I am way over due for a touch up, but damn am I sure glad that they are still there on my face because all of my little eyebrow hairs aside from four little stragglers are long gone. About 60% of my prized eyelashes are gone and I would say that most of my arm hairs have disappeared, too. I think it is safe to say I am officially a naked mole rat. I hope in the couple of months I start to turn into a Chia Pet. I have enjoyed being bald (sorta) but my little bald head will probably not enjoy winter, so cue the hair growing. And once I get cleared for tattoos, I am definitely getting my eyebrows redone. Treat yo self!

Speaking of growing things, I finally lost my first toe nail. Pour one out for the right big toe nail homie. I woke up on Thursday morning and that toe nail was literally VERTICAL on my cuticle bed. No, it didn’t hurt; it just finally separated enough. I noticed it was hanging on by a tiny portion of the cuticle, so I tried to snip it off with scissors and nail clippers, but my fine motor coordination is really impaired, so that didn’t work. I did the next best thing: twisted it. It didn’t hurt, it was just weird to watch. For a minute my nail was like the girl in the movie “Exorcist.” It turned itself around and you just cannot believe your eyes, but you have to watch in horror. And I have to be the one who does it. A little maneuvering and a little tug later and my nail popped off. Right now my big toe looks like one of the thumb characters from “Spy Kids.” Whoever came up with that fucked up character had a wild imagination. If you want to see pics of my vertical toenail or what it looks like now, feel free to text me. I didn’t want to freak people out here since I guess missing toenails are on the list of consent images.

Okay, on to the main event: CT scan results. Um. Yeah…. Here is a screenshot of what was in my chart:

So. Let’s break this down. The good news is that the lymph node tumor is basically gone. I went from .9 cm to .3 (.35 inches to .11 inches) so it is weird it says it is resolved in the scan. To me, any disease left is NOT resolved, but who knows what this means in doctorland. The okay-ish news is that my breast tumor decreased by half. It went from 2.8 cm to 1.4 cm (1.1 inches to .55 inches.) I am not sure if this is going to please my oncologist or not, but I am guessing she wanted it to be smaller. We will see. And of course the bad news: increased lesions suspicious for metastatic disease on my L1 vertebrae and new lesions on my T9 vertebrae. If you recall from way back in March, we saw suspicious lesions in my scans, but they were too small to biopsy and I had started treatment. My oncologist said if it was cancer, the chemo would kick it. And here we are five months later and the lesions are growing and spreading. My oncologist was not in on Friday, so I am hoping she will review my scans this week and give me a call and not make me wait until August 26 when I am supposed to see her next to discuss next steps. Do we biopsy? Are they big enough to biopsy? Does she suspect they are cancerous? Why is it spreading? Should I be scared? I mean, I am scared. The scan does not report size, which makes me think that they are still too small to biopsy, but I literally know nothing so I really should stop assuming.

So I sit in cancer purgatory once more and hope that whatever is coming my way next doesn’t kill me and is resolvable.

Today’s song lyrics of the day are brought to you by Tujamo.

“Keep pushing on, things are gonna get better
It won’t take long, keep on moving to the top
Keep on move it, move it
Gotta keep on move it to the top
Keep on pushing, pushing”

– Keep Pushin’ (feat. Inaya Day), Tujamo, Inaya Day