Fast facts (if you don’t have time to read the full post): I know it has been a hot minute since I have written a blog post. Let me just tell you that I look fine on the outside but functioning as a normal adult right now is incredibly draining on my body. Clearly there is some healing happening internally that I am not promoting by working full time and resuming exercise. I need to slow the fuck down. But why slow down when my life has been at a stand still for so long? I want to be full steam ahead!!!

I need to slow down.

Tomorrow I meet with my oncologist. I have an injection that was supposed to be at the end of the month but it is now tomorrow. I also see my surgeon Friday for another follow up. I sadly won’t get to write until Friday night since I have an author event tomorrow evening I have to work until like 10 pm. My poor body is going to hate me. Rip.

I am switching up the format for this blog post. Thought to keep it spicy since readership is low and nothing cool is happening in my life right now. Enjoy.

Short story #1 – Werewolves in bathrooms

I remember the day I started losing my hair. It didn’t start like I thought it would. I had cut my hair short hours after my first red devil infusion, a mistake given I was insanely sick at my appointment. Three weeks later, after my second infusion, hair was falling out everywhere. It started with my pubic hair (which was weird) and then slowly the hairlessness moved up my body. And then one day I was hairless and that is how I was for months. Then, one day I noticed little wirey hairs sticking up on my head. Before I knew it, hair erupted on my body like weeds in a freshly planted garden. What I did not expect was hair appearing in spots I normally did not have hair.

I was at work washing my hands in the bathroom when I leaned into the mirror to inspect my face. I was mainly looking for blackheads (we have really great zit picking lighting… you know the type) when I noticed hair all over my cheeks. I looked like I had unkempt sideburns! The hair was wispy and long, like peach hairs but more ticklish and soft. Where the fuck did all of this hair come from?!

That night, as I brushed my teeth I grabbed a razor that was given to me when I got my eyebrows microbladed a couple years ago. I gently ran it against my cheek skin and tufts of hair fell into my sink. I shed my werewolf self and a naked face looked blankly back at me in the mirror.

Short story #2 – Things not to say to a cancer patient

I try to give a lot of grace to people when they say weird things to me about my cancer. I have realized that some folks have never encountered medical trauma before, are still gaining and growing their emotional intelligence, and/or simply do not know what to say so the first thing that comes into their brain just sometimes comes out. But then there are some people that I know have been through medical trauma, have emotional intelligence, and do know what to say and they still say the wrong things. I still give grace… until one day I realized I don’t have to if I really don’t want to.

Crumbl Cookies is running some sort of promo for Breast Cancer Awareness Month with pink cookies this week. I sent the list of cookies to two of my friends in the same group message on social media. “Give me a free cookie. I have cancer,” I wrote. One friend responded, “You don’t have cancer anymore though. Right?? They cut that shit outta you.” In the moment, I realized logically how that would be true. My tumors were removed. But what about my spine? What about radical cells left behind? I still have cancer. I am still being treated as such. And I think I deserve a free cookie. I responded and moved on.

This morning I woke up and I was angry about it. For the record, I still have cancer until my oncologist says I don’t. My journey isn’t over just because I had surgery. I don’t know why I had a delayed response to the conversation but I started the morning sour and hurt. Why am I so hurt?

Short story #3 – “How are you doing?” “FUCK YOU!”

Two weeks ago, a close friend invited me to go to an hour long restorative yoga class. You basically get to lay down for an hour and breathe and listen to nice calming music. I really loved the class. I was not able to do the light stretching move but I basically stretched out my chest while I got lost in my thoughts. It was so nice to be in a quiet room and dedicating time to myself. No cats. No checking my phone for messages. No Jose. Just thoughts.

I couldn’t go last week since I had the radio interview, so I made plans to go again tonight. I have been excited to go all week. We walked in and the class was really full, so we were in the front. No biggie. We set up our mats and got our blankets and yoga blocks and began the session. Tonight was all about resting poses. Sweet! I can just lay here and drift in and out of thoughts and dreamscapes and focus on my chest.

Wrong.

No matter how many times I tried to let my mind rest, I just couldn’t tonight. Everyone in the class was so noisy. The person behind me kept running their toenails against their mat, people kept sneezing and coughing, someone’s phone went off, a train passed by in the near distance, and someone let out a weird little toot. My anxiety was all over the place as the instructor kept telling us to trust ourselves, release control, and invite vulnerability into the space. I mean, someone was vulnerable tonight when their fart escaped into the room. But I was not. I just could not center myself enough.

What should have been a pleasant time in my brain turned into anxiety and annoyance. The sounds led me down the rabbit hole of how upset I am lately with people asking me how I am feeling ALL THE TIME. I am seriously overstimulated with how many people want to know how I am. How the fuck do you think I am feeling?? I am 30 years old with breast cancer and just got my boobs chopped off and now my chest just hurts all the time. Please stop asking me how I am feeling. If I tell you I am great, will you leave me alone??

And then someone tooted and I wanted to laugh. I came out of my angry cloud (toot pun!) for a moment and was reminded of my humanity. But damn, I am fucking exhausted. I tried once more to focus on the hour to myself and realized I would just have to try again next Wednesday.

Today’s song lyrics of the day are brought to you by Lizzo.

“Girl, I’m ’bout to have a panic attack

I did the work, it didn’t work, ah, ah (mm, mm)
That truth, it hurts, goddamn, it hurts, ah, ah (goddamn, it hurts)”

– 2 Be Loved, Lizzo