Fast facts (if you don’t have time to read the full post):The season of grief continues. Another aunt passed away from stage IV ovarian cancer on Wednesday. I will be flying out with my dad on Tuesday to Sioux Falls, South Dakota for the funeral and to see family. I haven’t been since I was 4 years old! I will be back Saturday evening late, just in times for daylight savings time and radiation on Monday. Funny how time works.
TO THE LONG VERSION!
Sometimes we want things to make sense and have meaning because it removes the ambiguity and anxiety from things we don’t understand. But sometimes things don’t make sense. Sometimes things mean nothing. Sometimes things just suck. Like cancer.
Cancer sucks. Cancer sucks so hard.
I can sit here in my head all day on the hamster wheel of meaning trying to make sense of why things have happened the way they have happened and those explanations will never be enough to replace the grief, anger, pain, and senseless rage. Cancer doesn’t have to teach us lessons or show everyone how strong (or not) we are. Cancer isn’t inspirational or the fire that ignites bravery. No. Cancer sometimes is just cancer, fucking around and finding out without permission in our bodies, murdering people, and leaving holes in families.
Our family lost another loved one on Wednesday, senselessly murdered by stage IV ovarian, thanks to the BRCA1 mutation. This mutation gives zero fucks. BRCA1 genes are meant to help fight cancer and mutations (deletions in our hereditary case) in the genetic code make those genes fuck up and cause cancer instead. How fucking stupid is that? Being a multicellular organism is so fucking stressful. I just want to know what all my autonomous cells are doing at all times and yet sometimes you don’t know until things have gone too far out of control.
We knew my aunt was not doing well. Two weeks ago today we learned that they were stopping her chemotherapy. If I remember correctly, she was doing some experimental trials. I found out last Tuesday that my dad was planning a trip to see her and my intuition told me that I needed to go. Wednesday morning around 10 am we booked tickets to fly out November 1 and return November 5. By 3 pm, my dad had called and told me that my aunt was entering hospice and we may not make it in time but if they could get her pain under control she might have a few days left. At 4 pm, my dad called me and told me she was gone.
Fuck you, cancer.
Cancer invokes a strange PTSD for me. Similar to my other aunt in August, the death felt sudden and left no time to prepare. I guess that is the trick of death; you’re never prepared. What makes it more intense for me is the common cancer thread and BRCA1 mutation. I am back to thinking I am going to die. I again don’t want to make this about me but I cannot ignore the guilt that has built up. Why did they die? Why couldn’t we control the division of cancerous cells with radiation, with chemotherapy, with surgery? Why am I still alive?
That is the curse of cancer and most chronic illnesses: the question of why. In the darkest moments of despair it taunts you and makes you feel like you are going mad, as if knowing why would solve your problems. It probably wouldn’t but it makes you think otherwise.
The grief is heavy and the guilt is something I will continue to work through. I am grateful to be here alive but I also wonder at what cost? It is clear that sometimes all the poison in the world isn’t enough to kill the things killing us. We are all just buying time with the sacrifice of our mortal vessels.
Of course the timing is interesting. Every year I run the Día de los Muertos 5k in downtown Pasco. “DIA DE LOS MUERTOS (Day of the Dead) RUN WANTS YOU TO RUN THIS YEAR’S RACE IN REMEMBRANCE OF A PASSED LOVED ONE. IT IS THROUGH YOUR HEALTH AND WELLBEING THAT YOU CAN HONOR THE LIFE AND DEATH OF A FRIEND OR FAMILY MEMBER,” reads the website. It has not been in-person since 2019 so I was really excited at the thought of running it this year. Honestly I really questioned if I would be able to run it at all given the intensity of this year but I knew I wanted to try and the cause is great. All proceeds benefit scholarships for students in higher education. Love that.
I summoned some of my friends to join me at this event yesterday. One of the things we received during sign up was a paper bag with a candle inside of it. It was meant for folks to write the names of loved ones who have passed away. Candles are really important for Día de los Muertos because they guide the souls home and light their way back. I wrote my dog’s and my aunt’s names on the bag, all who have passed this year from cancer. the bags lined the middle of the street leading up to the beginning and end of the race.
My intention was to purely enjoy myself, test my strength, and try not to stop running if I could help it. I made it to the 2.5 mile mark before I took a small walk before pressing on. When I ran last year (virtually), my time was 28 minutes so I knew I would be nothing near that this year. I had spent most of last summer training. I thought I would be happy to not only finish the race but also finish under 40 minutes.
I ended up finishing with a time of 35 minutes and 26 seconds. I placed 15th in my gender category and 32nd overall. I cried at the end, while my friend who is the director of the event held me and told me how proud he was of me. I was amazed my body did what it did. I am so grateful to have survived what I have endured. I wish my family I have lost this year was still here. Cancer just isn’t fair, but I ran for them and I honor and carry their memory with me and will do my best to continue to honor them for years to come.
Two of my friends ended up placing first overall in their gender categories. We were most proud of them! My friend Gina ended up gifting me her skull which was her award for finishing first. It was such a beautiful and emotional gesture.
PHOTO INTERMISSION / ENDING
I am preparing for departure. My dad and I will leave Tuesday at 4 am from the Tri-Cities to drive up to Spokane. From there we will fly to Seattle and them to Omaha, Nebraska and drive three hours north to Sioux City, South Dakota. The last time I was there was for my aunt’s wedding when I was 4 years old. I was the flower girl. I only remember that I refused to go down the aisle alone and was crying the whole time. This time I will be crying for a different reason at a different version of a celebration of life. Funny how time works.
Today’s song lyrics of the day are brought to you by Daft Punk.
“Touch, I remember touch
Pictures came with touch
A painter in my mind
Tell me what you see
A tourist in a dream
A visitor, it seems
A half-forgotten song
Where do I belong?
Tell me what you see
I need something more”
madisonhatescancer 