There is no short version today. There will be no song to share. I was hopeful that the symbolism of the new year would help me heal. 2022 was the hardest year of my life. But I guess 2023 might just take the cake.

Cancer broke me. My husband cheating on me shattered me.

Sometimes people pick words for the year. Most of the time they are positive affirmations but I am feeling pretty frisky and upset and want to say my word for 2023 is “betrayal.” It is a deep dive in understanding how deep a knife can go. In one of my most trusted relationships, my love has been abused and violated. In my body, I have been reminded of my mortality.

A few notes on the cheating scandal: I have chosen to be very open about it because I don’t want any rumors about it and it just seems easier than keeping people guessing. Jose cheated. I caught him texting another girl very explicit content that has rotted my brain. Like stuff I will not repeat on this platform. He denied it at first and through more conversation I learned it was intertwined with my cancer diagnosis and my inability to have a child right now (or maybe at all.) Damn. That is pretty low, dude. Way to kick a cancer patient while they are down!

That is literally the Spark Notes version because I have so little capacity to discuss it further. I only slept two hours last night. I have barely eaten today. I am weak, tired, and running on adrenaline. Cheating is literally the most unforgivable in my book. I have a weird history of triggering events involving cheating and honestly I would rather get bit by a snake than experience it. I am the most forgiving person you can meet and he violated the one thing that can cause me the most pain and to never look back. And blamed it on my cancer to boot. Nice.

Unfortunately, this is not a unique experience for folks (especially AYAs) experiencing cancer. Some people tap out and leave their partners behind when the going gets tough. Cancer in youth is tricky. It robs so many of us of fertility, time, energy, money, and vanity. We can sit here all day and pretend that some of those things don’t matter in relationships, but they do. So much for those vows in sickness and health we make, huh?

There is a part of me that can understand on some level the burden that comes with someone in a partnership who is battling cancer. It is painful to watch someone suffer. There are a lot of sacrifices made. But I also know you can choose to adapt and fight despite the circumstances or choose to see yourself as the victim. Jose chose the latter, saying that this has been so hard on him. I no longer fit with his vision of what he wants in life because I cannot give him a biological child (at this time or maybe ever.) Last time I checked he didn’t get poisoned, get his boobs cut off, or get attacked by his own cells but okay. Me surviving this shit is just a small consolation.

In this unlucky chain of events and several other events in my life, I am wholeheartedly convinced that all romantic relationships are temporary. Love is fleeting and I don’t think I believe in relationships to not be fucked in one way or another. Loyalty can be bought. Love is circumstantial. This is probably the depression talking, but this is how I am feeling right now, okay?

Also vows seem like a weird illusion we all want to cling to. They are nice in theory, but vows aren’t gatekeepers to surviving marriages. Respect and love are. Clearly my marriage was lacking both from the other party.

Time to rage.