Fast facts (if you don’t have time to read the full post): 29 DAYS UNTIL (APPROXIMATELY?) UNTIL I STOP ORAL CHEMO! Labs are still coming back stable. I am looking forward to February with awe, excitement, and major anxiety.

Countdown to last day of oral chemo: 29 days

TO THE SHORT VERSION!

“Not trying to be creepy but are you at the cancer center right now? I think I’m sitting right across from you lmao.”

Before clicking send, I did one more once over of the girl across from me, assessing that accuracy was at 95% and above and that this indeed was my friend I haven’t seen in over a year. She was already on her phone so I figured if I was right, she would see my message instantly. If I was wrong, well, my friend would read it sometime later in the day.

Her thumb slid down the screen and her eyes met mine. She beckoned me over and so began the 20 minute catch up between two stage IV AYAs in the waiting room at the cancer center too early in the morning.

The room was quite full considering it was a Monday at 8 am. We were the only under 40 years old patients (from what I could tell) in the room. Almost two years in and I don’t think I get less stares of pity/curiosity/wonder between appointments. I think it is a mix of my age and my bright hair. Something about me just screams, “LOOK AT ME! I HAVE CANCER AND I AM REALLY COOL. LET’S BE FRIENDS???” Or that is the energy I am trying to give.

I don’t think we were being super loud during our 20 minute catch up session before our appointments, but I am willing to bet it is rare to see two young people at the cancer center so engrossed in conversation that I was mindful there were ears listening in. We chatted about where we were on our treatment plans, upcoming surgeries, and the fact that not a lot of people can relate to our life experiences and staging. Although my friend’s cancer is more advanced and different than mine, she’s the only person I know personally (and can meet up with in real life, not on a chat forum or Facebook group) that is young and stage IV. Cancer: the glue that bonds you for life!

I found myself getting emotional mid conversation at the rarity to be seen and not have to preface conversation with additional information or emotions so that someone without a diagnosis or someone with not as advanced of a diagnosis can have a clearer picture. Don’t get me wrong…. I am super grateful for those who show up for me despite not fulling understanding me. However, she just *gets it* and I just felt really grateful to be understood so perfectly in that moment.

Our conversation ended in a hug as I got called back for my monthly hormone blocker stabbing with promises to connect. My nurse said I could stay in the waiting room longer if I wanted to keep chatting, but delaying the inevitable that I hate so much would have just been worse, so off I went to my lil pod.

Another month of decent labs and nothing new to report. February is when things will get funky. The excitement of oral chemo ending is intertwined with fear and anxiety. What if recurrence happens in the next six months? What if oral chemo has been the only thing holding me back? What if the hormone blockers are not enough?

What if? What if? What if?

I am at the mercy of my destiny. Come what may.

Today’s song lyrics of the day are brought to you by Matroda.

“I can’t fight the feeling
That I’m feeling
You can’t fight the feeling
Can’t fight the feeling”

– Can’t Fight The Feeling, Matroda