***Update as of May 19, 2022: I thought I was going to be on cisplatin but I am taking carboplatin! Same family, but a little different. Enjoy all the magical information about a chemo I am not taking yay! Get updated here.***

Fast facts (if you don’t have time to read the full post): This is a BONUS post! Don’t get too comfy and forget to read today’s other post. Today I had an ultrasound to measure my tumors in my right breast and right lymph nodes in my armpit. I also have chemo number six on Thursday. I will be given Taxol and another chemo drug: cisplatin. Yay… more drugs. And now my chemo isn’t vegan hahaha! I don’t know if it actually was on Taxol, but I love that Taxol is plant based. Things I tell myself to enjoy getting pumped full of… stuff.

TO THE LONG VERSION!

I am going to imagine that you all are incredibly shook that I produced TWO blog posts in one day! My first BONUS post! Such luxury. I feel like so many things are happening right now and I have a ton of content on the back burner that I need to produce, so I apologize that I have been over promising and under delivering. I love blogging and researching content, but it also takes a lot of effort on my end. Thank you for being patient with me.

Okay so last week I reported that before chemo, my oncologist felt me up and didn’t like what she felt. That’s a first for me! Jokes. She was “concerned” (her words!) that my tumor was not shrinking enough and wanted some ~hard data~ to learn more about what is going on in my body. She was not pleased with my progress or lack thereof. Cue anxiety, depression, and sad thoughts. So she ordered me an ultrasound and today was the day. Jose was available and took me to my appointment. I mean, I felt confident that I could go alone since what surprises could there be? I already have cancer. I know I have masses. What could go wrong?

The answer is unexpected PTSD. My ultrasound just happened to be in the same room that it was the first time when I went alone and peeped masses on the screen for the first time. Ultrasound exam room number three. Three is my lucky number, but that room… oof. I was glad Jose went with me. The tech asked me a bunch of questions, why I was there, where I was in my chemo treatment, yadadada. I have to say I responded with such skill and ease. I literally know everything about my treatment plan and the cancer I have. I am awfully proud of my knowledge. I wonder if I come off as annoying or as a know-it-all? My anxiety wants to know. Hi, anxiety! ❤

She gets me all gooey with the warm gel and begins her quest of searching for my mass in my dense breast tissue. Techs can’t tell you anything but she kept going back and forth between the ultrasound machine and the original measurements and captures from the first ultrasound, so it was making me nervous. I watched intently and I think she could tell that I was uneasy. It took about twenty minutes and I was significantly less sweaty than the first time I had to do this in February, but I could feel the PTSD creeping. What if my ultrasound revealed my masses had grown? What if the red devil didn’t improve them AT ALL? The tears were ready to explode like water over a dam. I was ready to freak out when she left the room. I was so glad Jose was there. Before she left she looked at me and said, “Things are looking good.” But my anxiety and PTSD took it the wrong way. Good? What kind of good? Can good also be bad?

The moment she left the room to go talk with the radiologist, I turned to Jose and just word vomitted everywhere how concerned I was and how I felt traumatized in this room. He is very fact driven so he said we just need to hear what they have to say. I wish I didn’t have feelings sometimes. He is so good at logic. I have feelings before I have logic.

The radiologist and tech come back in and the radiologist told me that he was very pleased with my results. My tumors have improved and the chemo is working! Of course, I had to ask how improved and if they could compare the two ultrasounds. To my surprise, they were able to give me that information on the spot! My initial mass from the ultrasound on February 15 measured 20 x 11 x 20 mm. Today’s results showed 8 x 6 x 6 mm! My lymph nodes were 2.4 x 1.5 x .8 cm with a cortical thickness of 4.2 mm. Today’s results were 1.3 x 1 x .6 cm and a cortical thickness of 2.5 mm! Now, I don’t know what cortical thickness means, but the radiologist made note to me that that particular measurement is most important in this scenario. So I Googled it for us. Looks like there is a standard cortical thickness associated with healthy lymph nodes and the thicker it is, it is a strong indicator of metastasis. Makes sense!

I am genuinely curious if these results are pleasing to my oncologist. Are these the kind of results she was hoping for or was she hoping for something more aggressive as a result of the red devil chemo? Do I still need to go on the new chemotherapy based on these new results? We will find out Thursday!

In the meantime, I saw in my chart what kind of chemo I am supposed to be starting on Thursday: cisplatin! According to the National Library of Medicine, “Cisplatin was initially discovered to prevent the growth of Escherichia coli and was further recognized for its anti-neoplastic and cytotoxic effects on cancer cells.” Neat! It is a common first-line of treatment for cancer patients because it is quite effective, but many patients experience relapse due to drug resistance. I will not be on this chemo for the rest of my treatment. I don’t know how many rounds, but it does come with some risks including adverse effects, nephrotoxicity, reoccurrence, and resistance. I will have to ask Thursday how many rounds I will do. Based on some clues in my Kchart, I think I might be doing three rounds. Don’t quote me, though.

I might do a deeper dive in this chemo tomorrow evening since this post is long enough. If you want to do a bit more research ahead of time, here is a bit more about cisplatin! Low key I am scared to take it. I think it scares me more than the red devil? I don’t know why. Maybe it is because Taxol seems so nice given it is plant based and significantly less aggressive in terms of side effects. My fingers and toes hurt and I have some weird skin stuff that has appeared (need to ask about that on Thursday….) but I am functional and have a brain. Interesting trade offs.

Today’s song lyric of the day is brought to you by Elk Road.

“I got answers but I don’t have truth
And I got lovers but I don’t have you
And I’ve made promises but I’ve lied too
Empty bottles and wine unscrewed
Can you tell me not to worry
Can you tell me I’ll be fine
Can you tell me everything’s alright”

– Not to Worry, Elk Road, Governors

Fast facts (if you don’t have time to read the full post): Today I had an ultrasound to measure my tumors. I am going to write a separate BONUS post today about that experience since today’s first post is about breast reconstruction! Yay double the posts, double the fun! Well, sort of. Are you having fun? Speaking of fun, I have chemo number six on Thursday. I will have Taxol again and another chemotherapy that is platinum-based.

TO THE LONG VERSION!

Last Tuesday I had my first introductory Zoom meeting with a nurse from Plastic Surgery Northwest which is my plastic surgeon based in Spokane. They will be handling my reconstruction surgery! It is one of three appointments I have over the course of the next three weeks focused on the breast reconstruction process. This first meeting was to go over the two options available to patients: implant-based and tissue-based reconstruction. Prior to this meeting, I had met with two different breast cancer thrivers who each had breast reconstruction. Both had done different options. Their stories and experiences had influenced which reconstruction I was leaning towards prior to the meeting and the meeting solidified which reconstruction I want: tissue-based.

When I first was diagnosed with breast cancer, so many folks had made jokes that I would be getting a free boob job out of this experience. I mean, at first I agreed and thought it was funny and then I learned what it entailed and this boob job is not your hot girlfriend’s boob job. This boob job is torture and trauma. I am losing both of my breasts before I get new ones. All of my breast tissue will be completely removed from my body once I finish chemotherapy. I will heal for roughly six weeks and then start 28 rounds of radiation therapy. Once that is over, I have to wait at least a year before I can have reconstruction and endure another not so fun surgery. Totally just killed the mood, didn’t it? 0/10 do not recommend BRCA1 genes or breast cancer as a way to get a “free” boob job. But I digress! So what’s the difference between implant and tissue-based reconstructions?

In a nutshell, implant reconstruction is a two-stage procedure. The initial stage involves the placement of a tissue expander – a silicone balloon filled with saline – beneath the remaining skin and chest wall muscle. Additional saline is gradually added to the tissue expander to stretch the muscle and skin, reaching the desired size. The second stage of implant reconstruction involves the removal of the tissue expander and replacing it with a permanent breast implant.

I am not a strong candidate for this particular surgery because I will be receiving radiation after my mastectomies. Implant-based breast reconstruction is not a good option for patients who have previously been treated with radiation because of poor aesthetic outcomes and a high likelihood of healing problems. For patients who require radiation after mastectomy and placement of the tissue expander, the timeframe to proceed with the additional steps in breast reconstruction may be prolonged. Radiation increases the risks of healing problems and infection in the implant-reconstructed breast. It also increases the risk of capsular contracture, or hardening of the tissues around the implant, from 30% to 60%. Forty percent of women undergo another operation for their implants by seven years after their reconstruction. There is more to this particular type of reconstruction, but since I am not choosing it, I want to focus more on the tissue-based reconstruction.

Tissue-based reconstruction uses my existing tissue to recreate the shape of a breast. There are several names for this kind of technique including “flap reconstruction”,” autologous reconstruction”, or “free-flap reconstruction.” Specific names that you may see are those referring to use of tissue from the abdomen: Transverse Rectus Abdominus Myocutaneous flaps (TRAM), free TRAM, muscle-sparing TRAM, Deep Inferior Epigastric Perforator flaps (DIEP), Transverse Upper Gracilis flaps (TUG) and others. I will be undergoing a DIEP procedure which spares the majority of the abdominal muscles and preserves abdominal wall strength. Yay hardcore core!

So basically, I will be getting a tummy tuck and using the tissues and vessels and muscles from my abdomen to reconstruct the breast mounds. This procedure tightens the abdomen where the tissue is removed and results in a long scar that will go from hipbone to hipbone. How much fat I have will determine my new breast size.

A major plus with this particular technique is that it can help the body heal, even after damage caused by radiation. And similarly to natural breasts, they will change in size over time if I lose or gain significant amounts of weight. They also feel the most realistic of the two options! But it is important to note that I will have ZERO feeling in my new breasts since the mastectomies will remove all tissue and nerves. Basically these new boobies are for aesthetics. The weirdest part of this procedure for me is that I will lose my belly button and they will give me a new one… I still feel weird about that. I am oddly connected with my belly button. I know it is basically a scar hole, but still! Thirty years with the same belly button and now I have to bond with a new one?! What the fuck! What if I don’t like the new hole they make me? Holy shit! See what I did there? Heh.

Some down sides to this procedure are that it is a commitment and pretty intense. Tissue-based breast reconstruction operations are much longer than operations to place implants for breast reconstruction, taking 8-12 hours for the initial reconstructive procedure. I will most likely be in the hospital for three or four days after the operation, learning to take care of my drains in my abdomen and breasts before I can go home. Mind you, this will be taking place in Spokane as well. The recovery time is also quite long, around eight weeks after surgery before I can return to all of my normal activities. I basically cannot move for the first two weeks and will need everything done for me including helping me shower and feed myself. Rip.

Though the initial reconstruction is a significant commitment, there is a very low likelihood of future procedures. I will have warm and soft and squishy breasts. This option is the most natural looking of the two options and it is a result that can endure for decades. I guess that saying “beauty is pain” will be taken to a whole new level with this procedure.

Long story short, losing my breasts is one Everest I have to conquer. Reconstruction is another. In the meantime, I climb the chemo Everest and hope I get to say “yay” and climb back down. I have an incredibly long journey ahead of me, assuming I enter remission and all goes to plan. This process will be years in the making. I want to make it clear that reconstruction is a choice I am making for me and my mental health. I want to have some sense of normalcy some day. I don’t think I will ever get to return to my baseline normal, but I will get to experience my new normal someday I hope. Just fucking sucks in the meantime.

Today’s song lyric of the day is brought to you by Lykke Li.

“Lonely I, I’m so alone now

There’ll be no rest for the wicked
There’s no song for the choir
There’s no hope for the weary
If you let them win without a fight”

– No Rest for the Wicked – Robin Schulz Remix, Lykke Li, Robin Schulz

Fast facts (if you don’t have time to read the full post): I am three days post chemo. Although this feels a lot better than the red devil, Taxol is really taxing in its own way. Notice what I did there? Heh. My feet have little blisters on them. My nails on my fingers are all painful and beginning to lift. I can barely do basic tasks like button my pants, open cans of cat food, sweep, or even type this blog post. I feel like a tender little piece of delicate meat. I also wonder if I am slightly depressed? Can you be depressed while on anti-depressants? I keep finding my mind in semi dark spaces lately.

TO THE SHORT VERSION!

Taxol is significantly easier than the red devil chemo that is for sure. I mean, it is still hard, but it is easier in ways?? My energy is mostly stabilized. My appetite feels normal again. My brain isn’t super cloudy. But I am only three days past treatment so maybe I shouldn’t get too excited? Well, maybe I should because I am almost halfway to chemo number six. The trade offs are my nails are killing me. My feet feel like they have blisters all over. I feel like I have a really bad sunburn on my toes. I am curious if this is an allergic reaction to Taxol or if this is just some freaky side effect? I have no idea. I guess I need to ask an adult.

I was hoping to have a blog post out last night, but the keyboard on my tablet broke so now I don’t have a way to blog unless I am on my desktop. I was like mid blog post and my keyboard was like “Lol no more typing for you!” Jose, my resident tech expert, tried to mess with it, but Google searches resulted in us learning that the keyboard sometimes just….dies. So I was like okay, I can get a new keyboard I guess? During the process of finding a new keyboard, I learned that the tablet I bought was discontinued so finding a replacement keyboard was not only challenging but rather expensive. Technology forced my hand and I bought the expensive keyboard that most likely will die again soon because buying a new tablet is not in my budget this season. And now I own a tablet that doesn’t exist. *cue internal screaming* This both annoys me and enrages me because I bought the tablet literally two years ago during the pandemic so I could Zoom with people and now it is considered a relic. I should have fucking bought an iPad. I am an idiot.

So I went to bed sad about my choices in technology and I woke up in my feelings this morning. I really should stay off social media at 5 am. I was flipping through everyone’s Instagram stories and realized how utterly alone I am. It is hard not to envy those who get to go out and live their lives right now. It is wedding and quince season. Everyone is going out to eat and having parties and enjoying life. The weather is getting nicer. People are going out of town and enjoying life. Meanwhile, I am here at home, crying in my bed, wondering if I am going to die. It is hard not to feel envy and rage at everyone who gets to be fucking normal while I have to be pumped with poison. It isn’t anyone’s fault but I grieve for a time when I was fun and people actually wanted to see me because they wanted to have fun too, not because they were checking up on their “friend” with cancer. And even if I was invited to do something, I probably can’t. Fuck you, cancer. You stupid fun sucking fuck.

Today’s song lyric of the day is brought to you by SHAED.

“I’ve been having dreams
Splashin’ in a summer stream
Trip and I fall in
I wanted it to happen”

– Trampoline – JAUZ Remix, SHAED, Jauz

Fast facts (if you don’t have time to read the full post): Today I had my fifth chemo treatment with my new drug Taxol! Read up on the previous post to learn more about this magical plant chemo! I survived, was out faster than expected, and got to eat pancake flavored ice cream after. Win! It was a rather uneventful chemo session considering the last four have been full of surprises. But I did receive some concerning news. You’ll just have to read the post if you’re interested.

TO THE LONG VERSION!

Chemo no. 5! Cue the trumpets! If you didn’t hear Lou Bega’s voice in your head when you read that, clearly you did not have that song on repeat like I did as a kid to make all the daycare kids dance to it. That song is catchy as fuck. I was prepared to ~mambo~ all over the room to give blood given Harry Porter and the Prisoner of Cancerban (aka my port) really likes to hoard blood, but luckily today I got to save my dance moves for another day. Once my port was stabbed, blood filled the little tubes like water exploding out of a broken beaver dam. Good little port.

I had a ton of anxiety surrounding this round of chemo partly because Taxol is an irritant and could cause an allergic reaction. Think rash, pain in my uterus that might feel like labor pains, thrush, and/or scratchy throat. I have no known allergies but cancer is literally why Murphy’s Law exists (in my humble cancer patient opinion) and I just wanted nothing more than to be reaction free during these weekly sessions.

Before my chemos, I get a chance to meet with my oncologist, go over recent side effects, concerns, and my tumor gets inspected. Our main concern with Taxol of course will be monitoring for peripheral neuropathy. Neuropathy is damage or dysfunction of the nerves. This can result in numbness, tingling, muscle weakness, and/or pain in a particular area. This will most likely happen in my fingers and toes. This matters to me the most because I do cook a lot and this could affect my ability to feel my finger tips and I could cut myself while preparing food! Okay, that is a weirdly specific example, but it could affect my day to day activities. Peripheral neuropathy can be permanent, so I need to be wary and keep everyone updated after each treatment.

What has been most interesting is that some of the side effects I thought I would experience during the red devil more intensely, I did not. This included mouth sores, fatigue, and bone pain. I only had mouth sores a handful of times and bone pain manifested around day four or five after treatment for a couple of days. I have been relatively lucky in the side effect department. Mouth sores are not a side effect of Taxol, according to my oncologist, so I am happy that maybe that part is over? Maybe?

After discussing the new treatment, my oncologist did a breast exam and it did not go as expected. She expressed concern that my tumor did not shrink in the way she expected with such an intense treatment. Not good. This might be because of my BRCA1 mutation and something about how the cancer I have because of the mutation might make it more challenging to treat. So we discussed introducing another chemo into the mix that is outside of standard care to help during the Taxol treatment. However, if we do add this chemo (which I would not take the whole time) it would increase the neuropathy side effect and I might experience more nausea. Nausea for me is no biggie. I have tools I can use to help mitigate that, but I have nothing to stop my nerves from numbing in my toes and fingers or anywhere else in my body.

I kept myself together during my appointment, but found a moment in chemo to break down to process this devastating news. My chemo is not working, or it is but not as aggressively as we want. I feel betrayed by my own body again. I’ve done everything right. And yet, it isn’t enough. The red devil, an incredibly tough treatment, was not fucking enough. And in these moments it is hard not to feel like I will die. I hate saying that. But dark news like that just hurts in a way that makes me feel trapped. What if I can’t be cured? I am sure I can since my team is fucking awesome, but I hate that this journey may be even longer than we all thought.

So I cried. I mourned once more. I am angry. But my only option is to keep moving forward. I will do anything to get rid of this stupid shit. My doctor ordered an ultrasound so we can get new measurements of my tumors and compare them to our older measurements. I am definitely curious. I will have that done next week, hopefully before my next appointment.

One Taxol treatment down. Eleven to go. But who knows now that my fucking tumor is a fucking idiot. Chemo, y u no work?!

In brighter news, I got to see Hot Nurse Meagan today and nurse Jessie. And of course my #1 cancer bae Sarah. I love that I have so many wonderful souls to see while I am at chemo. It makes the experience something I do look forward to most of the time. I also got to see my aunt! She was receiving chemo at the same time so it was great to see her today, although it fucking sucks. She started the red devil again today, along with a few other chemos. If you have energy and strength to send her way, that would be greatly appreciated. Our family is riddled with cancer. Fuck cancer. Seriously.

And the most important part of my day was my mom taking me to get ice cream after and some heirloom potatoes from Dream Dinners. I know that is incredibly random, but the heirloom potatoes from Dream Dinners are ~chef’s kiss~ like even Jose liked them last night when I made them for dinner. Potatoes make everything better. I added the leftover potatoes to my breakfast burrito this morning and I am serious that was the best burrito I have ever made and I make some dope breakfast. Of course the ice cream was blissful. I got the Baskin Robbins monthly flavor, Breakfast in Bed, in a waffle cone. Um if you love pancakes and syrup, this ice cream is FOR YOU. I was in pancake heaven!! The day was kinda shitty, but the amazing food I ate today really made up for some of the shitty parts.

Sigh. Let’s see what this first round of Taxol brings.

Today’s song lyric of the day is brought to you by Lou Bega.

“Jump up and down and move it all around
Shake your head to the sound
Put your hand on the ground
Take one step left and one step right
One to the front and one to the side
Clap your hand once and clap your hands twice
And if it looks like this then you doing it right”

– Mambo No. 5 (a Little Bit of…), Lou Bega

Fast facts (if you don’t have time to read the full post): Two days until I start 12 rounds of weekly chemo! I am surprisingly anxious. I had my first of three meetings tonight to learn more about my future breast reconstruction surgery. I won’t be covering that information tonight, but you bet we will have a post about it this week! This week is all about education. Also happy National Nurse’s Week! Gosh I love all of my nurses at the cancer center. They are wonderful gems!

TO THE LONG VERSION!

I start weekly chemotherapy on Thursday. Woo! But also weekly chemo just sounds shitty because that is a lot of chemo. I have twelve weeks left before I get my boobs chopped off. Well, I do get a break between chemo and surgery, but in terms of treatment left, that is not a lot. That is some dark shit. Chemo is a piece of cake compared to getting my nip nops removed. So let’s not think about that right now and talk about how Taxol chemo is kind of badass! I am about to blow your mind with some sCiEnCe.

Here is the thing: I about nearly failed chemistry in high school. I ended up with a D+ I think at the end of the trimester. Oops. That was the first time in my life that I had done really poorly in school. I was generally a straight-A student. I liked school, but also school never came easy for me. But nearly failing was not entirely my fault. I was on Acutane, was severely depressed (in retrospect), and sat next to a boy that I had a major crush on who didn’t like me and ended up being gay. I was just too busy being flirty and sad to care. The perfect high school combo! Chemistry also involves a lot of math and words I just didn’t care about. But I genuinely wonder if I would have liked chemistry if we were talking about chemotherapy or something because right now I am fascinated as fuck with what is going into my body. You will be, too!

Myth busted: chemotherapy isn’t all just synthetic man-made poison. I seriously thought it was, but really chemo has an interesting history and my upcoming drug is made from plants! Now, I want to let you all know that it has been seven years since I have written an academic paper and this platform is a blog, so I am going to be lazy and not write a seven page article on what I have learned. There are some awesome pages that I am going to reference in my “in a nut shell” history lesson on Taxol chemotherapy that give a more thorough history and I encourage you all to read those after to learn more because there is a TON of information. I won’t be including it all in this blog for brevity and also because I don’t feel like writing an academic paper, like I said.

TO THE (IN A NUT SHELL) HISTORY!

According to Cancer.gov, In 1962, on an excursion in Washington State, USDA botanist Arthur Barclay collected bark and other samples from the Pacific yew tree. Two years later, Monroe E. Wall, Ph.D., and Mansukh Wani, Ph.D., who were under contract to NCI at the Research Triangle Institute in North Carolina, discovered that extracts from the Pacific yew were toxic to living cells. Dr. Wall and his colleagues then isolated the most cytotoxic compound from the bark of the tree and called it paclitaxel.

Fast forward to 1977, paclitaxel was selected for clinical development after showing some promising antitumor activity in some mouse models. It was discovered that the compound is an antimitotic agent that blocks cancer cell growth by stopping cell division, resulting in cell death. Even more exciting was that paclitaxel worked to prevent cell division through a different mechanism compared with other antimitotic drugs available at the time.

Despite these findings, clinical trials were delayed because of how slowly Pacific Yew trees grow and how much bark is needed to produce therapeutic doses. It was also incredibly expensive to manufacture. So the race was on globally to develop a synthetic form of the compound.

In 1991, NCI partnered with the pharmaceutical company Bristol-Myers Squibb (BMS) for the commercial production of Taxol, using a semisynthetic form of the compound. In 1992, Taxol was approved by the FDA for the treatment of ovarian cancer. Two years later, it was approved for use against breast cancer. The tiny “this is meant to beeeee” moment for me is that Taxol is thirty years old and I turn thirty this year. Not that I was meant to have cancer (although I guess I technically am because it is literally in my genes) but you get what I mean.

Today, Taxol is the most well-known natural-source cancer drug in the United States and is used in the treatment of breast, lung, and ovarian cancer, as well as Kaposi’s sarcoma. Clinical trials to test Taxol against other types of cancer and in combination with other therapies are currently in progress.

And that is my little “in a nut shell” debrief. Plants, man! Fuck yeah science! It is incredible to know that this significant cancer treatment is fairly young. It gives a lot of hope for future treatments of breast cancer and other cancers. Imagine all of the other highly active natural products from plants, marine, and fungal sources that are waiting to be discovered and will benefit so many cancer patients and even other chronic illnesses! Shout out to this amazing planet!

Want to read up and learn more? Of course you do because science is wild and fascinating as fuck. Dive right in, cookie:

Source one – Cancer.gov

Source two – Acs.org

Source three – dtp.cancer.gov

Source four: Chemocare.com

Today’s song lyric of the day is brought to you by Flux Pavilion.

“I still wanna be a spaceman
Show the people that we can
Make our magic inescapable
Rewrite the master-plan
When I say jump, I don’t think how high
I got the starlight in my eyes
It’s where the notion is a resource
And we got enough starting up
Count down to the scientist”

– The Scientist, Flux Pavillion

Fast facts (if you don’t have time to read the full post): Welcome to chemo week! Thursday, May 12 I have my first weekly chemo date with the drug Taxol. I will have a more thorough post about that tomorrow. I am also meeting virtually with the reconstruction team twice this month: once on Tuesday and again on May 23. Going to learn alllll the things. Today I have a special announcement!

TO THE LONG VERSION!

Drum roll please… I have mentioned a couple of times that I am planning something BIG for my 30th birthday this year. It wasn’t enough for me to have cancer walking into my 30’s. I decided fuck I need to throw myself a party. I might die! Living three decades and then your body tries to take you out?! That is worth celebrating and fucking around with! So, I am planning a charity art fundraiser benefitting the Tri-Cities Cancer Center Foundation and I expect every single one of you die hard blog followers to be there because seriously those of you who have stuck around to read my rambles and stories deserve a drink.

Here is the problem I am having: I am enduring cancer treatment and planning a massive event while working full time and trying to exist as a human in this world. I love planning events. I think it is a random hobby I do really well. But I need a little bit of help. If you’re willing to help me plan this event, do you mind messaging me? I know it is a lot to ask, but I realize if I want this to be successful, I need a little extra help to make sure I have all my ducks in a row. Or, if you’d like to donate to this event, I’d love to chat with you as well. There are still options for me to have additional sponsors and work with organizations/businesses. We can arrange some social media acknowledgements and day-of acknowledgements.

Okay, going to pull off my marketing hat now and put on my ~artist~ hat. If you are an artist reading this or know of an artist that would be interested in donating art for this event, please CLICK THIS LINK. Although there will not be a kickback in proceeds to artists at this event, all donations made will go towards the Tri-Cities Cancer Center Foundation and provide resources for patient-focused support services. I realize this is a tough ask of my artist friends since I truly believe artists should be paid for their work and that exposure is never enough. But if you would like to make an exception and have your art up at this event, I would love to have you!

Again here is the link again. Click me! Please fill it out. It is not only a consent form, but also includes information on how all of this is going to work. Artists of all ages are invited to submit.

Oh and here is the Facebook event! Share with yo friends!

Today’s song lyric of the day is brought to you by Rebecca Black. This song is my life anthem.

“Friday, Friday
Gettin’ down on Friday
Everybody’s lookin’ forward to the weekend

Partyin’, partyin’ (Yeah)
Partyin’, partyin’ (Yeah)
Fun, fun, fun, fun
Lookin’ forward to the weekend”

– Friday, Rebecca Black

Fast facts (if you don’t have time to read the full post): We are a week post red devil chemo and my brain is emerging from the fog and my body is finally bouncing back. The most dominant side effects of this round seem to have been extreme fatigue and blisters on my feet. I think it is because I have been insanely sweaty and wearing sandals, but I also remember being a sweaty human before chemo and I never got blisters, so it must be a side effect. I am at my lowest white blood count, so if you are a vampire or are sick, STAY AWAY FROM ME. Vampires have nothing to do with my WBC, I just don’t think I should be conversing with vampires right now.

TO THE LONG VERSION!

The slogan for menopause should be “hot n sweaty n never ready.” Kind of like Little Caesar’s hot and ready pizza catchphrase except less cheese and sex and more night terrors. I am a hot and sweaty greasy little cheese pizza in my bed.

Let me explain.

1:20 am: No matter what time I go to bed, I wake up at this time. Nothing good seems to happen after 11 pm and I think that is true with chemo induced insomnia. Today I woke up with Sean Paul’s “Temperature” playing in my brain probably because I was having a random intense hot flash. It didn’t help I had two cobijas on me, was wearing sweats, a sweater, and Serrano was curled up against my neck. I woke up to her LICKING THE SWEAT OFF MY BALD HEAD. Okay, this cat is so sweet and kind for caring for me but also ew? Cats are fucking weird. I laid there in bed, fascinated by my hot flash and debated whether or not to move Serrano off me so I could take off my sweater. I ended up choosing to suffer because I was worried the cat wouldn’t come back if I took her off me to change and I enjoy late night cuddles.

4:28 am: Cue a second round of night sweats and hot flashes. I am literally swimming in my sweaty blue sweater at this point. Yet, I have nobody to blame but myself. I chose to not remove my sweater in favor of a cat licking me. The hot flash and sweats are way worse this second time. I almost felt sick. And then my brain kept asking me if I wanted to get up to blog or maybe do something fun. Um, it is 4:30 am on a Thursday and I need to get up to work today. Why can’t I be inspired on the weekends at 4 am? So I had this internal debate with my anxiety for 30 minutes (which I think it is funny that I literally talk to my anxiety as if it is a friend I casually meet for coffee), another hot flash hits me, and I am still fully dressed because the cat is on me like a fur boa. I am my own worst enemy.

5:40 am: My alarm sounds off. Guess who is still a sweaty girl??? I still cannot smell body odor thanks to my parosmia, but I genuinely wonder how much sweat I produced and how gross I smelled. Serrano is still cuddling my neck, so I guess she doesn’t mind the potential stench. And now I have to poop. Thank goodness I am not constipated this time around with chemo. It is the small things.

Menopause is a bitch. And I have to endure this shit for five years?! You’ve got to be kidding me. I also just really hate being sweaty. Yesterday my friend and I walked down to the Farmer’s Exchange to load up on plants (FLOWER POWER, BABY!) during our break. Although it was unseasonably warm yesterday at a balmy 77 degrees, I was drenched in sweat by the time we walked back to work. I had even worn a dress! I don’t know if this menopause related or the fact my heart rate skyrockets to 130 beats per minute every time I move, but the fact is I am constantly sweaty. Oh and I now have lovely blisters between my thighs because I wore a dress, sweat so much, and walked farther than my little chemo body thought it could yesterday.

At least I walked. That is a nice step in the right direction.

Today’s song lyric of the day is brought to you by TLC.

“Don’t go chasing waterfalls
Please stick to the rivers and the lakes that you’re used to
I know that you’re gonna have it your way or nothing at all
But I think you’re moving too fast”

– Waterfalls, TLC

Fast facts (if you don’t have time to read the full post): I am five days post red devil chemo. I literally slept all weekend. Every moment I could lay down, I did. I crave every moment I can lay my little bald bitch head down for a little snooze. It doesn’t seem to matter how much I try to sleep. My body is so run down.

TO THE SHORT VERSION!

My body feels like the little loading spindle icon on a computer. Round and round and round I go. Minutes pass and nothing changes. Just a never ending doom circle. ~nOw LoAdInG~ My body is so incredibly tired. What energy I do have, I muster up to endure an eight hour shift at work and then I go home, eat, and immediately collapse on the couch.

I have no energy for anything else right now. I am so sorry. Texts are going unanswered. My event planning has halted. I just have nothing else to give. Every action I do feels so heavy. It requires more brain cells than I think I have currently. Chemo kills both good and bad cells. I think that includes brain cells? Probably not. But it feels like it.

Have I mentioned the paranoia that comes with chemo fog? I am constantly worried I don’t know how to drive. Or walk. Or that I am sharing stupid stories in conversations. Is what I am even saying in a conversation coherent? Am I really typing this slowly? I literally watch myself function in a slow moving Matrix all day. I will my fingers to find the right letters on the keyboard, only for them to click the wrong letters anyway. I can type over 160 words per minute when I am regular Madison. Now I type like I am a five year old.

Also the emotional void has been disturbing. I look forward to waking up at 3 am because my anxiety/depression meds are out of my system. I can feel feelings rush through me. I can feel creativity springing up in my veins. In the small window in the darkness of the night, I get a glimpse of me.

I really miss me today. I grieve for me, for the version of me that existed before my diagnosis. I grieve for my health. I grieve for my sense of normalcy. I can vent and type and cry all I want, but having cancer fucking sucks. It sucks. Sucks. Sucks. Sucks. I feel like a shell of a human.

Fuck cancer.

Today’s song lyric of the day is brought to you by Avicii.

“Wish you could find that love is a fragile thing
Magic gone from a pretty thing
Maybe it might be time
For a better day
For a better day
For a better day”

– For a Better Day, Avicii

Fast facts (if you don’t have time to read the full post): I am two days post red devil chemo. So far I feel very similar to my third round: tired and waiting for what side effect(s) want to be most dominant this time around. I’ve enjoyed napping and listening to the pitter patter of the rain. I feel an itch to do a self portrait this weekend. Hello creative, Madison! We have missed you.

TO THE SHORT VERSION!

Today I am here to plug THREE upcoming events that I care about! First up is the annual DINE OUT! Road Trip 2022 event to benefit the Tri-Cities Cancer Center Foundation on Saturday, May 14 from 10 am – 5 pm. If you love food and supporting a good cause, this is the event for you! Today is the last day to get tickets for $75 before the price goes up to $100 tomorrow. GET YOUR TICKETS. I scored two and cannot wait to try all the amazing cancer crushing food this year. Join me, will you?

Click ME to learn more and get tickets! Woo!

Event number two is my art is going to be in an upcoming art show entitled, “I Don’t Know Who Needs to Hear This” on Friday, May 20 from 4 pm – 9 pm at The Space in Richland. I will have two pieces on display focused on my experience with parosmia, depression, anxiety, and PTSD. Heavy stuff I know, but hey we are here to break the stigma around mental health and build conversations that foster empathy. The reception will include performances, interactive exhibits, and art from 15 other amazing artists! It is the day after chemo for me so I really hope I can go for an hour or two. I probably will be there around 6 pm if you would like to join me!

Click ME to learn more!

And finally… I am waiting on final approval of my poster from sponsors, but I will be hosting a charity art fundraiser for my 30th birthday to benefit the Tri-Cities Cancer Center Foundation on Friday, June 17 from 4 pm – 10 pm at The Space in Richland! Take a beat, pull out your phone, and get that on your calendar RIGHT NOW. There will be art, music, food, drinks, performances, and more! If you are an artist and would be interested in donating art for the event, please click here! If you are interested in donating anything for the event or get involved, please message me! I would love to have you. I will have a more formal post about this next week in the blog with links to an event on Facebook and my neat poster I made. But for now, you get this dope graphic preview.

I know this was a bit off brand for a post, but you know I have to support my local orgs and galleries. So many awesome things coming up this spring and summer. Back to my afternoon poison nap!

Today’s song lyric of the day is brought to you by DJ Fresch.

“It’s like Gold dust
Ya hear me coming through your spe-ea-kers,
You see me mashin up your air waves,
I know you can’t get enough of my sound”

– Gold Dust – Marten Hørger Remix, DJ Fresch, Marten Hørger

Fast facts (if you don’t have time to read the full post): Today was my LAST RED DEVIL CHEMO! I MADE IT! I still have to survive the next two weeks and who knows what kind of side effects I will get this time, but the hard part is just about over. We had fun today at chemo stealing snacks, but like most good days, there are always hidden surprises. Today was a legit party, with its ups and downs and all my friends. I am going to make you read the long version to find out what surprises today had in store for me.

TO THE LONG VERSION!

I love surprises. And I love the idea that people either love surprises or they don’t. I don’t generally like things that are binary since it feels like there is no room for nuance, but this is one opinion that actually makes sense in a binary. I like the thrill and thoughtfulness of a good surprise. The only downside for me as someone whose love language is gift giving is that I immediately enter planning mode to surprise them back and buy something. But for me that is less of a downside and more of an opportunity to make someone feel loved. Perspective!

But the surprises I got at chemo today were not the kind I generally like to get. It worked out in my favor, but as a chronic planner and someone who really likes to avoid needles or at least know about them, I keep encountering rouge fucking needles! It comes with the territory. Cancer is an unpredictable bitch who likes to surprise you. I mean, that is how I found out about my lumpy little breast after all. Surprise! Cancer!

Blood work did not include 30 port flushes so that was nice. If you remember last time, I walked away from chemo having enjoyed 48 beach balls. I love living my best life as a hydrated little bitch, but I also hate wasting time. Balance. I told the nurse about what happened at round three chemo with my port. We did about six or seven flushes before I excused myself to the bathroom and just like magic, I gave her blood. In true surprise fashion, I brought red devil jello shots with me to give to my nurses and friends (non-alcoholic, of course!) She laughed and thought I was funny and took the shot. It is nice to surprise people with random things.

After blood work, I generally meet with my oncologist to go over my labs which have never been ready in time for my appointment. I normally don’t know how stable I am until I make it to chemo. I was hopeful that we would get to see my labs together since my appointment was at 8:30 am. I was in luck! I am not neutropenic and my labs are looking perfect! Chemo win! I think I definitely was last weekend, thus the wonderful head abscess I developed. That growth factor shot really works wonders. Bless.

I did learn that we will do scans towards the end of my chemo to learn more about what is going on with my spine. Depending how that goes, there is a very high chance I will also be receiving radiation on my spine along with my breast and right arm pit. Yay more sunburns for me. That was a semi surprise, but not really given we are on cancer watch for my spine.

The second surprise came when she asked if I had any final questions and I asked when I was getting my next hormone blocker shot. If you don’t remember, my cancer eats estrogen for breakfast so I have to be on a hormone blocker for five years to stop producing estrogen. I started during chemotherapy versus starting when I complete it because there are some studies that have shown it may offer protection to my fertility. I will receive this shot monthly for now and eventually every three months. We won’t know if I am fertile until five years from now. She said she wasn’t sure, so she looked at my account, and looked back at me and laughed and said, “Oh you are getting it today.” SURPRISE BEAST NEEDLE. I was like fuck. Not only was it my last day with the red devil and I was excited to be there, I had to do something really hard that I hate. Time to put on my “I am not really brave but I am pretending this is ok?” face.

The BEST chemo surprise of the day was getting my favorite nurses that gave me my orientation: Rachael and Jessie. They are just simply wonderful and make me insanely happy. Chemo is my happy place, mainly because I choose to make it that way. But of course because I had this amazing surprise, I got another not so fun surprise during chemo: my port was not interested in giving blood return. In order to receive the red devil, I have to show there is blood in me so that the chemo isn’t going outside the vessel. Nurse after nurse had me doing the boogey woogies, waving my hands in the air, doing laps in the chemo ward, even I showed my impressive squat form and someone said I was very flexible. Squatties for the hotties!

Flush after flush and nurse after nurse produced nothing so we finally made the decision to give me tPA (tissue plasminogen activator.) According to this article I found online, “Catheter occlusion is a common complication of long-term venous access ports. Aggressive therapy with low-dose tPA can salvage function. It provides safe and effective therapy for venous port malfunction secondary to fibrin sheath.” So basically there probably was some sort of sheath that was in my port preventing blood coming out all the time. We got it solved, but it took an hour for the drug to work its magic, so our day was delayed a bit.

Today was a party with so many surprises. We had jello shots, cool snacks, and great company, but we also had unexpected drugs and needles. Huh. That does sound like a party from my early 20s. And I even had a party foul! I dropped one of my pills on the ground. Oops.

So far I am feeling okay, but I am insanely tired. I have drank so much water today and I really hope I get the luxury of sleeping through the night tonight. It is a rare thing these days.

I am now on the path to twelve weeks of weekly chemo. That will begin May 12. Of course I will have an all informative post for you all about that, what’s in my chemo bag, and finally a poster for my art charity event in June next week in the blog so stay tuned.

Fuck the red devil. I’m out.

Today’s song lyric of the day is brought to you by Disturbed. My inner emo middle schooler has been waiting to share this song.

“Get up, come on get down with the sickness
You mother get up come on get down with the sickness
You fucker get up come on get down with the sickness
Madness is the gift, that has been given to me”

– Down with the Sickness, Disturbed