Fast facts (if you don’t have time to read the full post: Today I want to talk about hair loss. If you are uncomfortable with the blog post title or even this topic, maybe sit with that feeling for a second and ask yourself why and then continue reading so that you can work through those feelings! I am sure you have butt hairs, too. Or at least you know it’s possible to have butt hairs. Let’s normalize and de-stigmatize this conversation together. The experience of hair loss extends beyond cancer and includes other factors and disorders like alopecia, age, heredity, childbirth, and COVID, to name a few. I can only speak to the experience of someone with cancer who is experiencing hair loss, but thought this was a topic worth exploring and sharing today.

TO THE LONG VERSION!

Myth busted: Not all chemotherapy drugs cause hair loss. Yup! Some don’t cause any hair loss at all and some can trigger thinning, but not complete loss. Unfortunately for me, the red devil chemo causes complete hair loss. We often think about the hairs on our head, our eyelashes, and our eyebrows since those are the most obvious spots we see hair on others. But hair loss in the context of chemo for me means ALL HAIRS. Chemo is the most expensive hair cut, nay, hair removal mechanism, I will ever experience.

If you remember, I cut my hair to a pixie cut the day I received my first chemo. My doctor told me that I would start experiencing hair loss by my second round of chemo, so I decided to take matters into my own hands and make the experience of losing my hair less messy and less graphic for me. So much of how I choose to express my identity has been with my hair. I love changing it often with new vivid colors to fit my season in life. Part of it was a means of control. Cancer continues to take from me and I wanted one act of defiance. Turns out I can rock a dope short hair cut and now I look forward to having cute pixies following chemo. The other part was not wanting to clean my shower drain. What can I say? I am lazy and chemo makes me tired.

I’ve been so focused on my rainbow hair transition that I forgot that I have hair elsewhere on my body. I am sure everyone else forgot, too or have chosen not to think about it because why would they want to think about my leg hair? My armpit hair? My butt hair? That would be weird for you to consider, but actually would it? Not really. If you care about the hair on my head, you should in theory care about my hair elsewhere. It is less vibrant but still sad to lose.

I started to notice significant hair loss two days ago. You know when you freshly shave or get a poorly done bikini wax and you just can’t stop itching?! It has been the worst itch ever in my pants because it is happening everywhere and at the same time, chemo hair loss kind of burns in a weird way. If I didn’t know better, I would have guessed I had some sort of infection or something. I am imagining that the poison is yelling at the hairs in the follicle holes going, “Muhahahah here is your eviction notice, bitch! This is my hole now!” And they get kicked out. Sounds very scientific.

The reality is that my significant hair loss has started in my butt. I am sorry if you find that graphic or weird to share, but I really wish someone had told me this was going to happen like this. Or I really should have thought about hair loss more deeply. I am at fault here lol. Maybe someday if you have another friend who is going through this, you can warn them on my behalf. Losing your hair means losing your butt hairs. And pubic hairs. And leg hairs. And armpit hairs. It sucks and is wildly uncomfortable. And it is SO WEIRD. Who knew the red devil chemo came with a ~free~ Brazilian wax?! “Oh but you get to avoid shaving for like three months!” Yeah, cool… I also get to be bald against my will at 29 and have a burning sensation in my hair holes and have to avoid the sun like a vampire. I would rather shave than be hairless from chemo.

In all seriousness, hair loss is an extremely vulnerable process. I’ve embraced that I will lose my hair, but it feels so incredibly exposing. It is my body saying, “Look, she has cancer!” and although I am very public about what I am going through, it is a different level of attention. I will be bald by the end of next week most likely. I have already lost 10 pounds against my will. In the fall, I will lose my breasts. My ovaries might die. My body is changing as it fights its battle. Externally, you will know I am fighting cancer and that is a very vulnerable state to be in because it is hard to hide, especially on the days I may not want to be seen, both physically and emotionally. “But what about wigs?! Turbans?!” Those are great options for me to use to disguise what is happening to me, but at the end of the day I am just a naked mole rat and that is still a hard pill to swallow when I have to look at myself in the mirror.

This brings me to my next point. If you see someone who does not have hair and you think that it is weird that they don’t have hair in the way you expect them to have hair, you do NOT need to comment on their appearance. Period. If that individual experiencing hair loss chooses to share their experience with you, listen with compassion and love and respect. Acknowledge their lived experience. Again, I cannot speak for all folks, but from my personal experience, hair loss is hard. It is a constant state of vulnerability. I can make jokes all day about myself, but you (or anyone else for that matter) cannot at my expense unless I give you permission to do so, most likely in a private setting.

Alright, going to hop off my soap box now. I promise I am not angry and I know you are all here to learn just like I am! If you make a mistake or make a joke, I am not going to be mad. Just know that we are all trying to do better. I am trying to do better, too.

Today’s song lyric of the day is brought to you by Bubba Sparxxx because I literally named my blog post after this song. I love pop culture.

“Booty, booty, booty, booty, rockin’ everywhere
Booty, booty, booty, booty, rockin’ everywhere
Booty, booty, booty, booty, rockin’ everywhere
Rockin’ everywhere, rockin’ everywhere”

– Miss New Booty, Bubba Sparxx, Ying Yang Twins, Mr Collipark

Fast facts (if you don’t have time to read the full post: I received my genetic testing results this morning. As suspected, I am BRCA1 positive. I tested negative for the other 46 cancer causing genes. That is a nice booby prize. Lol breast joke!

TO THE LONG VERSION!

I am one of the lucky few that will get an answer to the age old question “Why did I get cancer?” It is simple: I am BRCA1 positive. My little mutated fucked up genes have been hard at work! Before I get too deep in the weeds, if you haven’t already read my post entitled “All in the family” please read that so you can get caught up and learn what being BRCA1 or 2 means. I will be waiting for you here until you get back.

Done? Let’s keep moving.

A really bright spot that has come out of this confirmation is that my sister, mom, and cousins can all get tested for free to see if they are BRCA1 or 2 positive. The ability to give them peace of mind or the opportunity to take action if necessary makes this whole experience with cancer worth it for me. I don’t want them to have to deal with this shit if they can help it. BRCA1 is prevalent on my dad’s side of the family, which is the reason why I have it. There was a 50/50 chance of me inheriting it from him. I got it, so I really hope my younger sister is the other 50% and doesn’t have the mutation. Fingers crossed!

So what does this mean for me? As of right now, we stick to the course of treatment. If for whatever reason the tumor does not respond to chemotherapy (which currently it is), we have a tool in our back pocket knowing I am BRCA1 positive: PARP inhibitor drugs! According to Cancer.gov, “A class of drugs called PARP inhibitors, which block the repair of DNA damage, have been found to arrest the growth of cancer cells that have harmful BRCA1 or BRCA2 variants.”

This test result also means I will definitely be opting for a double mastectomy since I will be very high risk for developing breast cancer in my currently cancer free breast at some point. The variant is also responsible for increased risk of ovarian cancer. I will need to have my ovaries and fallopian tubes removed roughly by the time I turn 40 to avoid that train wreck.

Cancer has now officially dictated my healthcare for the rest of my life. Cancer is also going to make it a bitch if I ever want to have kids. I will have an itty bitty window between 35 and 40 to try, assuming that chemo doesn’t make me a barren landscape. We won’t know for sure the damage chemo has done until I hop off hormone blockers in five years and get checked out. Despite not knowing if I ever want to have biological children or not, the fact that cancer is taking the option away from me is devastating. I had no say in the matter and I never will. I can just only hope at this point that the hormone blocker treatment my oncologist wants me to start now offers some sort of protection and that my body is a bad bitch who doesn’t give my eggs away. I will probably cry about this later though. Despite all my sarcasm and “F” bombs, I hurt emotionally through this. Cancer doesn’t play fair. I continue to sacrifice myself for myself in the name of remission. I wish this got easier.

One appointment down. Next up: MRI on my spine Wednesday morning at 6:30 am to figure out what the fuck is going on in my lower back (PLEASE DON’T BE CANCER!), red devil chemo on Thursday, and growth factor tummy shot Friday. I am not sure when the hormone blocker shot is. I normally love surprises, but painful ass shots don’t get me excited the same way people popping out of cakes for birthdays do.

Oh before I forget! I wanted to share this resource with you all. I realize genetic counseling can be a financial barrier for folks who don’t have insurance or your insurance won’t cover it. You can totally use the company I went through to get tested without going through a genetic counselor. I believe it is $250, but the option is available. The company is called Invitae. Definitely check it out if you’ve been considering learning more about your personal genetics or want to rule out any sketchy mutations. This has also prompted me to create a “resource” page on my blog since I love linking and learning! That will be coming soon, probably after I recover from my second round of chemo. Don’t let me forget!!!

Today’s song lyric of the day is brought to you by Calvin Harris.

So I’ll put my faith in something unknown
I’m living on such sweet nothing
But I’m tired of hope with nothing to hold
I’m living on such sweet nothing
And it’s hard to learn
And it’s hard to love
When you’re giving me such sweet nothing”

– Sweet Nothing (feat. Florence Welch), Calvin Harris

Fast facts (if you don’t have time to read the full post): I am less than 15 hours away from learning the fate of my DNA. Will I be BRCA 1 or 2 positive? Or other cancer gene positive? We will find out tomorrow morning at 8:30 am! I also went on a little adventure this weekend to Spokane and tried to rest as much as I could in preparation for what I am calling hell week: DNA results, MRI scan, red devil chemo, and TWO shots! No, not shots of tequila sadly. Just a growth factor shot and a hormone blocker shot. Chemically induced menopause here I come!

Oh and I supposedly will start losing my hair after my second round of chemo. Call me cue ball.

TO THE LONG VERSION!

The first time I ever got yelled at for wearing a mask was in 2021 when the mask mandate temporarily applied to only folks who were unvaccinated. I went to a bar in downtown Kennewick to get my partner and some friends and I wore my mask inside. It was PACKED and I was the only person wearing a mask. There was a group of white men sitting at a table against a wall and as I walked by, they started to heckle me. “You don’t need to wear that damn mask! Take it off! Take it off!” I wish I had found my voice at the time and my middle finger to start a bar fight. Instead, I just glared and kept moving. Regrets. Getting into a bar fight is on my bucket list.

Last night was the second time I got called out for wearing a mask. This time, the mask mandate is completely gone in the state of Washington and my white blood cell count is extremely low, so I need to mask up if I do go out and avoid crowds and do all the things to make sure I don’t get sick. We had bought tickets in December to see one of my partner’s favorite podcasters/comedians, Michael Rapaport. I had been SO EXCITED to go and then cancer happened and I just kept telling Jose all week that if I felt okay, I would make the trek to Spokane with him Saturday. I would risk it all for some laughs. I so desperately wanted a sense of normal in my life right now. I felt well enough to go, but I knew that I would be literally the only person in the room wearing a mask. Thank goodness I love standing out.

Our seats were literally in front of the stage, which was cool in the sense that we got to be a handshake away from someone pretty fucking funny and dope, but I also knew comedians like to talk to people sometimes during their shows. I saw it with Trevor Noah in November and I had a weird feeling that it was going to happen here, too. Mr. New York (aka Michael Rapaport) comes out, greets the crowd, and sees me in my suckashit shirt and my bright green mask. I knew I should have at least worn a black one. “You are literally the first person in Washington I have seen wear a mask,” he roars. I mean I laugh because it is true. I am literally the only person wearing a mask in Washington, or at least in fucking Spokane. I laugh because it is funny. I am not sad about being roasted by a funny person. If anything it is an honor. But Jose is my champion and yells, “She has cancer, bro!” My heart races because hearing that is jarring to me. I have cancer? Oh, yeah, I guess I do. The comedian laughs and is like, “What?” but he goes on to say that I really do and it becomes really awkwardly funny and he realizes that Jose is serious. Michael makes another joke about it, a good roast (honestly cannot remember at this point because I was laughing and chemo brain is real) and he moves on to roast others and compliment some guy with a Ted Lasso mustache.

It was a funny show. My cheeks hurt from laughing, which was adding insult to injury because my cheeks already hurt from bone pain caused by chemo. At the end of the show, on his way down the ramp Michael Rapaport waved pointed specifically at me and Jose was insanely jealous. I was the real winner here. The girl in the green mask with cancer with the suckashit shirt is cool. Safety is cool. Fuck yeah!

That moment was okay for me. I am okay. I thought it was funny and I know the comedian’s stance on masking and COVID has been supportive, so I knew the roast was in good fun. And Jose was so great about it. He isn’t going to let anyone bully or make fun of me doing what I need to do to keep myself safe but also exist in the world. But I also wish that if you all see someone wearing a mask in this new maskless time that you also just leave them be. You just never know if the person wearing the mask has cancer and has a low white blood cell count or not. It is none of your business anyways.

The last 48 hours have been a great experience of normalness. I have discovered I still have parosmia, but it is just less aggressive. I ate chicken wings for the first time in a year and they didn’t taste like ass! I enjoyed a cranberry hard cider (don’t tell my oncologist!) at a bar in Spokane with a wonderful friend and Jose. I even cooked today! My energy levels have been low, I can feel the mouth sores starting to form, and I have a headache that never goes away now, but I am living and I lived this weekend and it felt so nice.

I really hope that I am able to rebound like this from every red devil treatment. It will give me something to hope for as I lay helplessly on my couch the first four days after chemo. I need something to look forward to this week when the red Kool Aid is pumped into my left jugular.

Welcome to hell week.

Today’s song lyric of the day is brought to you by Natalia Lafourcade. I love this song so much.

“Sigo cruzando ríos
Andando selvas, amando el sol
Cada día sigo sacando espinas
De lo profundo del corazón
En la noche sigo encendiendo sueños
Para limpiar con el humo sagrado cada recuerdo”

– Hasta la Raíz, Natalia Lafourcade

Fast facts (if you don’t have time to read the full post): It is Friday. Gotta get down on Friday! My body is on the mend, but still struggling. I’ve had a weird headache for most of the day and I discovered I have nose sores! Fun fact: Losing my hair also means losing my nose hairs. Thanks, chemo! You’re a real gem!

TO THE SHORT VERSION!

Lisa Frank called and she wants her rainbow gradient back! You knew I had to make myself a sticker for my own cancer journey featuring two of my favorite things: rainbows and the word “fuck.” It has been a rough week recovering but I knew once I was feeling up for the task I would design this out. I think these would make dope glitter stickers, maybe even some cool pins. Oooh nurse gift idea! What would you like to see this design as? Would you buy a sticker or a pin? ~Slide into my DMs~ or leave a comment below. I might share this on Facebook and see if there is any interest in folks wanting a sticker before I place an order. I know it is technically an offensive sticker, but cancer is offensive so it can fuck off.

I am going to take tomorrow off from the blog and come back Sunday! I promise I am not dead, just taking a lil break since I don’t have a lot going on right now to report about. Next week will be lit though. Don’t you worry.

Today’s song lyric of the day is brought to you by Flux Pavilion. This is like one of my favorite EDM songs of all time, so the lyrics section feels a little weird probably. Just a song you need to listen to I guess. 🙂

“So I just wanna let you know
So I just wanna let you know
So I just wanna let you know
I can feel your love”

– Feel Your Love, Flux Pavilion, NGHTMRE, Jamie Lewis

Fast facts (if you don’t have time to read the full post): I had blood work done this morning to commemorate my one week post chemo treatment. Really, we just wanted to see how ~toxic~ I am and how my body is responding. My numbers are looking great. My white blood cell count is VERY low (my range was 1.3 and the standard range is 3.4 – 10.8) so please avoid me if you are sick, thinking about getting sick (lol), or are hanging out in large crowds for the next couple of days. Also, my oncologist said my breast tumor feels softer! Chemo is working!

TO THE LONG VERSION!

Happy one week post chemo treatment! Yay me! Today I finally feel more like myself. If I have been slow to reply to you, expect to hear from me soon. I am finally alive! Here is our official countdown:

3 red devil chemos to go.
15 chemo treatments (in total) left.
19 weeks to go!

Next Thursday afternoon (March 31) I will dance with the red devil again and repeat the cycle. There is little peace in knowing what is to come. It reminds me of the movie “Saw.” Like to get out of a shitty situation created by some horrific psychopath, I have to choose which terrible act is more worth doing: getting chemo or letting cancer take over my body. Cancer has further darkened my humor. Sorry friends.

I think I need some sort of countdown marker to bring with me to chemo. Kind of like the countdown to Santa Claus visiting. Everything is more fun with a countdown calendar. We also seriously need to start planning my last day of chemo party. I want to to give all the nurses a cute gift bag or something, kind of like when we were kids we would get gift bags to take home after someone’s birthday. It was like a weird reward for showing up and being someone’s friend. You get a bunch of free stuff for being happy for someone else. What kind of things would nurses want in a “A cancer patient finished chemo today!” gift bag??? Definitely a custom sticker. Candy? Bubbles? We need to brainstorm people!!!

Next week is a big week. I have my spine MRI on Wednesday, chemo on Thursday, and Friday I have my post-chemo shot in my stomach. Fun.

Oh.

Speaking of shots. I learned more about the putting my ovaries to sleep thing. So basically, this is my hormone blocker that I need to be on for at least five years and my oncologist wants me to start the shots now versus when I complete treatment. My breast cancer is estrogen positive, so that means it eats estrogen for breakfast. And lunch. And dinner. My doctor wants to stop the production of the hormone that fuels the tumor. There are studies that have indicated that starting hormone blockers during chemotherapy can potentially help in protecting the ovaries, so she wants me to do it now versus three months from now when I finish chemo. It also acts as a contraceptive since I am not able to be on other forms like the pill at this time. I learned there are two ways the shot can be delivered: subcutaneous and intramuscular. I told her I would prefer the subcutaneous shot (in my ass) because it hurts less and that would make me oh so happy so she put in a request to my insurance to see if she could get that approved.

Yes, you read that right. My insurance once again can decide if they want to cover a shot that hurts less for me. I literally have to get this for the next five years, so it would be nice if it didn’t give me PTSD every time I need to go in for one. I will R I O T if they do not approve the subcutaneous shot. Again, we need healthcare reform, folks. Insurance should not be deciding something about my care that my doctor and I already agree upon that makes my treatment a less traumatizing experience and that is just as effective. I will save that soap box rant for another post because this one is already toxic enough.

Today’s song lyric of the day is brought to you by Britney Spears, but the remix because this shit is fire.

“With a taste of your lips, I’m on a ride
You’re toxic, I’m slippin’ under
With a taste of a poison paradise
I’m addicted to you
Don’t you know that you’re toxic?”

– Toxic – Y2K & Alexander Lewis Remix, Britney Spears, Y2K, Alexander Lewis

Fast facts (if you don’t have time to read the full post): I made it a WHOLE DAY at work! New chemo record! I also ate half a bagel with cream cheese and I haven’t had cream cheese in a year (thanks parosmia.) I am tired, but the day went better than expected. I am six days post first chemo treatment.

TO THE SHORT VERSION!

The last thirty days have been a whirlwind. I went from a carefree little potato to a poison potato and adjusting to this new chapter in life has been challenging. We are now on the path of destruction and remission. There is no turning back. The version of me on February 10 is forever gone and eclipsed by the version of me I had to become on Discovery Day, February 11. I mourn this. Before I hit you with the hard feelings, let’s cover what I am grateful for: doctors believing me and responding quickly to diagnosis me, my family and friends who have shown up in droves to support me on this horrific journey, the word “fuck,” late night cat cuddles, insurance, science, potatoes, and the power of love.

While I can actively hold space for all the beautiful things keeping me afloat, I ashamedly was drowning in guilt this morning. I have never cried heavier, deeper tears than the ones I released this morning. The guilt of being sick with cancer is so incredibly heavy at times. I feel like I am ruining the lives of those around me. The inability to show up for people in my life the way I wish I could right now is heartbreaking. I feel inadequate at work and in my personal life. I work so slowly. Making basic decisions takes me minutes versus seconds. I haven’t been able to cook my partner dinner in over a week because I am so fucking weak and fall asleep by 7 pm. I miss being fully present in conversations. I wish my world was turning.

Although a shitty feeling to admit, my feelings were well received and validated this morning by several people, including my mom and younger sister. To quote my sister, “It’s ok. You don’t have to be shitting rainbows out of your ass all the time. It is the duality of the human experience. You’re doing great. I’d be more surprised if you were feeling fun and spicy.” I am working through those feelings and I am guessing they will appear again sometime, but for now it is enough to acknowledge them, cry a bit, and keep moving forward.

Side note: I am happy to report I identified trace amounts of anxiety in my body today! (I was legit worried that my anxiety meds were making me too dull.) I was walking in the park and had the stupid thought the whole time that some high schooler was going to make fun of my haircut and I would have to tell them I had cancer and make them feel awkward. Welcome back, anxiety! I am alive!!!

Today’s song lyric of the day is brought to you by Modest Mouse.

“The ocean breathes salty, won’t you carry it in?
In your head, in your mouth, in your soul.
And maybe we’ll get lucky and we’ll both grow old.
Well I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know. I hope so.”

– Ocean Breathes Salty, Modest Mouse

Fast facts (if you don’t have time to read the full post): I finally heard from the genetic counselor’s office! I have a call Monday morning at 8:30 am to learn my BRCA gene fate! I mean, at this point it would be weird not to be BRCA positive. We shall seeeeeeeeee.

TO THE SHORT VERSION!

I was told that I should avoid eating big meals and work towards eating five or six small meals a day. I should become a snacker, they said. I like to follow rules so I did try that for the last four or five days, but I have just been so hungry! This morning, against my better judgement, I cooked myself up a whole potato (hashbrown style) and made an egg on a biscuit with avocado. Gosh, that was blissful but I think I literally fucked myself over. There is a reason they say you should snack on chemo. I have been consistently full all day and not in a “oh shit I just ate the best meal and I am stuffed” sort of way. Oops.

Here is a list of everything I ate today: weird berry smoothie, half a protein cookie, potatoes, egg and biscuit avocado sandwich, small grilled cheese sandwich, and 80 ounces of water. I am mainly blogging for me so I can reference this milestone later down the road, but are you impressed? I am. Chemo can take so many things from me, but clearly not my appetite (or at least not today.)

I was surprisingly alert until about 1 pm today and was quite productive at work! But then the afternoon hit and my energy NOSE DIVED. The chemo brain settles in hard. I lose all motivation. I am not sure how to get around this? I hope it continues to improve until I receive treatment next Thursday. Ugh. I am dreading the second round of the red devil. I want to speed up time and also slow it down. I want to get the next seven weeks over with as fast as possible while also finding moments where I feel alive and not like someone has repeatedly slapped me with a fish for hours at a time.

I did take three walks today and made it to 10k steps! Woo! New chemo record! The weather was absolutely blissful. Transformation is in the air.

Today’s song lyric of the day is brought to you by Ella Fitzgerald. A perfect song for today’s weather.

“Spring this year has got me feeling
Like a horse that never left the post
I lie in my room staring up at the ceiling
Spring can really hang you up the most”

– Spring Can Hang You Up The Most, Ella Fitzgerald

Fast facts (if you don’t have time to read the full post): I attempted to work today! I made it five hours before I had to go home to rest my eyes and regroup to finish my shift. Shout out to my job and my boss/co-worker for the flexibility and support during this shit storm. Does it get better? I cannot feel my brain anymore. I need more complex thoughts in my brain other than, “That feels like more than a fart.” I need my BRAIN! I am four days post first chemo treatment.

TO THE SHORT VERSION!

I left work in a haze at 1:30 pm today. Creativity used to pour from my soul and now I am a dried up creativeless prune (for now…) thanks to the poison in my body. I feel out of my body a lot. It is almost like I am watching myself, yet I am still there. My brain is not my brain. Nobody is home. I see you at the door, but I cannot open the door. My brain feels like a wet sock that you know you need to pick up, but you let it soak on the carpet for too long and now the carpet is wet and everything smells. The sock and the carpet are now one. Ew. My knees feel like little jello cups that haven’t walked in weeks. My teeth ache. I feel like I am stuck in time. Yet, I miraculously move. I made it from home to work to home again. I don’t know how. Glad work is only like five minutes away from my house.

I called my mom to come by when I left work. Bless that magical woman. She asked me if I needed anything and all I could think about was chicken nuggets. Funky little fried meats. Before I knew it, she had a cute paper bag full of crunchy delights and I was brought back to life on my couch just in time to clock in at 3 pm. But all good things come with a price. Those chicken nuggets have given me THE WORST heartburn ever. Dear nuggets, why do you gotta do me so dirty? I still have not recovered.

In summary, I worked almost a full shift continuously today, took two small walks, didn’t have to take a Zofran today, and ate more than I have eaten since I started chemo. Today was a big win day for me but it was FUCKING HARD. I am struggling. I am so glad that chicken nuggets don’t have the COVID parosmia taste to them anymore. My body desperately wants some protein. I can tell. Tomorrow can only get better from here, right? I hope tomorrow has more chicken nuggets in store.

Also. I have deeply appreciated all of the surprise Amazon gifts arriving in my mailbox. Every time I get something unexpected in my mailbox, I silently hum to myself, “You just got a letter! You just got a letter! You just got a letter. I wonder who it’s from!?” Today, a black mastectomy pillow, cheetah turban, and pink cup arrived. And a hospital bill! Yay me! If you’re my mystery giver (or are there more than one of you???), will you please stand up? Or DM me? I would love to thank you for your generosity. I continue to feel so incredibly loved and thankful that so many of you want to see me live and burn this cancer to the fucking ground in fashionable patterned turbans.

Today’s song lyric of the day is brought to you by Jax Jones. I’ve been asking my brain all day where did it go? I still don’t know.

“Oh, my love, where did you go?
Where did you go now? I wanna know
With all my love, where did you go now?
Where did you go now? I wanna know”

– Where Did You Go? (feat. MNEK), Jax Jones

Fast facts (if you don’t have time to read the full post): Another day of rest. I feel like my body is fighting itself. I cannot tell if yesterday or today felt worse. My body is in a permanent state of naps. Today’s wins: eating Panda Express orange chicken and some white cheddar puffs. The orange chicken was the first chicken that I have had in a year that didn’t have the COVID taste. I am glad I was able to eat something! My brain feels foggy AF though. It has made doing basic tasks more tiring like feeding the cats or wanting to shower. I am three days post first chemo treatment. I hope this gets better this week. I need to function dammit!

TO THE SHORT VERSION!

I’ve struggled with people calling me “brave” and “strong.” I know everyone means well when they send or say those words to me. Honestly, I know a lot of folks are struggling to find words to say to me in general. There are no words sometimes and that is okay. I am giving you permission to not know what to say because honestly I don’t even fucking know either. Sometimes “fuck” is enough. Nothing about this moment in my life makes sense. It feels absurdly unfair and confusing. But I am not strong or brave. Right now I am very weak as my body duels it out and I have just decided to accept whatever the fuck is happening to me. I cannot change the fact that I have stage 3a breast cancer. I cannot justify it. I cannot ask why I have it (well I kind of can because maybe genetics lmao.) I either get chemo to fight this dumb shit or die. So yeah, I want to live obio (obviously.)

I take my naps in the name of defeating cancer. I know if I nap, I am letting my body heal. I eat my oatmeal with chia seeds in the morning so I can get my meds down and give my body fuel to keep going. I’ve got cells to destroy and recreate. I accept texts and hugs from friends and family knowing it is all they can give me as my body rages inside. Those words and actions bring me comfort in my pain. But I am not brave or strong. Instead, I am resilient. I am just doing what I am told because these are the things I have to do to live.

Today’s song lyric of the day is brought to you by Alicia Keys.

“When it rains it pours, life can be so lonely
But the faith of the storm
Makes the way less heavy
This life can seem so unfair but who cares
If I can rise up then I will get there”

– Place To Call My Own – AK Version, Alicia Keys

Fast facts (if you don’t have time to read the full post): Today I have been super fatigued and felt really crummy. I’ve mostly slept and had barely enough energy to get a pedicure and buy some bland foods. I am two days post treatment.

ON TO THE SHORT VERSION!

Ludacris once asked, “How low can you go? How low can you go?” in his song “Get Low.” I am now asking myself that same question. I can go lower than I ever really thought I could. Will it get worse than this? I feel like I could sleep for days. My motivation is zero to none. My anxiety pills make it so I have no worries in my brain. I sometimes miss worrying. I feel like I need to worry about something but have no effort to do so. Is this what people who don’t have an anxiety disorder feel like???

Today and tomorrow are supposedly my lowest days, according to some of my breast cancer thriver friends. My oncologist said my lowest day could actually be a week out post-treatment. I really hope she is wrong. I cannot function in this state for a whole week. My appetite is zero to none. Today I thought about frijoles and I almost puked. PLEASE NO. NOT THE BEANS! I am pissed off at my brain for being upset about beans. I love beans.

Tomorrow is a new day. Maybe tomorrow I will have more to say. Oh! I did make an FAQ page. If you can provide feedback or additional questions you would like answers for, that would be great. I have chemo brain so I honestly don’t know what people are curious about anymore. I have lost my sense of curiosity temporarily. Baby come back! Lots of song references in my brain.

Today’s song lyric of the day is brought to you by Jetta.

“Crash fast, body hijack
Falling like an airplane
Full speed is more than enough
Slow it down, no I don’t fall”

– Take It Easy – Matstubs Remix, Jetta, Matstubs