I don’t watch a lot of movies. I hate sitting for long periods of time. I joke that I am terrible at relaxing, which is less of a joke and more of my truth. I would just rather be doing something productive. Of course productivity is tied with capitalism and social pressures as a woman to constantly show my value, but I think that at my core I just like to be busy. I’ve got goals and they only get done if I am busy, or so I tell myself. 

Yesterday I experienced a moment out of a movie. I sat in my little car, tears coming down just as fast as the tears from the sky. I think people would have thought God or whatever higher power was out there crying with me. It was the big tears and rage style of crying. I was a mess and I guess anyone receiving that kind of news would be, too. If there is something I hate more than not being productive, it is giving people bad news. And because I just received my earth shattering news that I have cancer I would need to tell other people that, too. 

I have cancer. Fucking cancer. Fucking fuck fuck. 

Fuck.

I hope the more I say it and the more I type it, I can grab hold of the magnitude of that word. It feels so far away. None of the questions I have matter at this point in time. How this happened or why I didn’t know until now get in the way of me asking me the questions that can save me. What do we do next? Where do we go from here? I can’t help but mourn those questions that won’t receive answers. I am not an overly analytical person since I am very heavily driven by emotion, but I keep looking at this situation analyzing how my cells went rogue and I had no idea. 

That part is the weirdest. I am out here living my life and my cells are just fucking shit up and I don’t even know. Then, one day you find out and it is the deepest feeling of betrayal. I exercise. I try to eat as best as I can (with parosmia that has made that a very hard task). I don’t really drink. I laugh a lot. I go to therapy. I try to just love everything and everyone in my life. And yet, sometimes it is not enough or it doesn’t matter because we can’t control the copying of our cells and when our cells fuck up. 

I am processing my doom cloud as fast as I can so I can focus on treatment and healing. But today I want to be in that cloud and just be pissed. I am not really mad at anything, just hate that cancer is a thing. It has hurt countless people in my life. It is an intimate fear and I am actively living my worst nightmare. Today is going to be a hard day. I’ve got a learning curve ahead of me and a needle fear I have to overcome so fast. So many fucking needles. Fuck. 

Here are the facts that I know so far:

I was told I have breast cancer in my right breast that has spread to my lymph node in my right armpit. I have a meeting with my breast doctor today at 10 am. There is a possibility that I might have a breast MRI today as well. That probably scares me the most because I have a HUGE fear of needles and will need to face that head on and honestly I hate that. I hate it so much. I am hoping to learn more about my diagnosis, stage, treatment ideas etc. today. 

I am choosing to keep my story as public as possible. This is a great moment to share how important self breast exams are and advocacy for your health. I recognize that our healthcare system is broken and that I am extremely privileged as a white woman with insurance to navigate this system differently than many people. I hope to learn a lot to help others down the road with this experience and use that knowledge to advocate for better healthcare for all folks. I am grateful for every single text, message, comment over the last 12 hours. I am overwhelmed so if I am slow to reply, be patient. I will respond soon. 

I came here to kick ass and chew bubble gum, but I am all out of bubble gum.