Fast facts (if you don’t have time to read the full post): Lol. This is turning out to NOT be a light week at all. I now have surgery to install my chemo port on Thursday (time unknown) and my referral was processed with the folks who will be handling my reconstruction surgery today. I lightly reviewed the clinical trial information and still am on the fence.

TO THE LONG VERSION!

When I was younger, I wanted to be an astronomer. Yup. I think I got that confused with an astrologer to be honest. We grew up behind the library on Union and I checked out countless amounts of books about the universe and natural disasters. I also read a lot of Lois Duncan books and was low key interested in astral projection for a hot minute. Okay, I still am. I really cannot say what drew me to those topics. I just was really weird and introverted and liked all sorts of things. I still do. And I am still weird.

When I started college, I realized astronomy was not in my stars. *ba dun tss* I am just really bad at math and that involved A LOT of math. So I studied what I was good at: people. I know a lot of folks know me as a creative and my day job as a designer, but one of my two majors is in psychology (the other digital technology and culture.) Like many cliche psych majors, I love the way people think, but where my psych major led me was unexpected. I did bridge a lot of my two majors together through various art projects and my internship in the communications department on campus, but some of the work I did related to data collection and my undergrad project was fascinating.

One of the professors on campus was running a study looking at patients with BPD (borderline personality disorder) and mediating factors that increase or decrease risk for opioid misuse. My psych undergrad capstone project focused on the effects of violent and sexual advertisements on product recall. Although I realize math is not my strong suit, the research I was analyzing and collecting took my education to a whole new level! I learned and valued the power of what studies can do for advancements in education.

When my oncologist mentioned the opportunity to participate in research, my little heart jumped with excitement with the opportunity to contribute. So much of what we know in medicine has come out of studies and I see so much value in that work. However, reading over the research study information has me all sorts of unsure because it actually involves my health.

This particular research study would be a randomized, double blind study that is currently in its third stage. It would be examining the safety of the study drug pembrolizumab (MK-3475) with certain types of chemotherapy and endocrine therapy and see how well that drug works when combined with chemo and endocrine therapy compared to treatment alone. This drug has been FDA approved with other types of cancer, but not breast cancer specifically. This study would last approximately 12 years.

There is a one in two chance of me receiving this drug or the placebo. It would be administered every three weeks during my chemo treatments. My oncologist and I would both not know if I am receiving the drug or the placebo unless I have a medical emergency. Like many things, there are side effects. I don’t want to get too deep in the weeds right now, but the main side effect I am most concerned about is that there is a 10% chance that I could develop an autoimmune disorder if I receive the treatment. I have no idea if that means ANY disorder or if it is limited to just some disorders. Questions I need to ask, I guess. I honestly wish I could just share the study with so many of you because it is really fascinating and there is a lot of information included in my packet that I have not included in this post for brevity. The opportunity to give back in such a meaningful way intrigues me, the same way I loved conducting and analyzing the data in college. I just wonder if my life is worth the risk for science right now. Deep thoughts.

Meanwhile, my week has gone from being chill AF to lit AF, and not in a fun way. I got a call today about the installation of my port! This port would allow me to receive chemo treatments and endure other needle events through a singular location on the left side of my chest. This is great because that means no more poking my arms and major anxiety attacks induced by needles! The sad news is I have to endure one final big boss needle and go night night for surgery to get it installed. I mean, no biggie in the grand scheme of things but it is just another hurdle I need to cross to even get to the beginning of the race. And it means this is really happening. I am going to be starting chemo soon. I have cancer.

Fuck.

On top of the medical tornado I am still in, I got a call from the folks who will be in charge of my reconstruction surgery. They are based in Spokane, so I see a couple Trader Joe’s trips in my future! Yay more plants! Just kidding. This is great, but honestly I felt myself overwhelmed with three new appointments scheduled out in May and June. The lady on the phone was BY FAR the sweetest human I have encountered on this breast cancer journey to date. She told me to call her if I ever wanted to cry or talk because she is a breast cancer survivor. The empathy and love I felt over the phone from a woman who only knows my date of birth and my cancer diagnosis was like eating warm bread pudding for breakfast. It was so sweet, so comforting, and yet made you sad because you wish you could feel that way all the time.

So, to recap what is left on my to-do list before chemo: get my port installed Thursday; submit my FMLA paperwork to the state; final CT and bone scans along with an echo of my heart; finish reviewing the research study; cry; sleep.

Are we there yet?

Today’s song lyric of the day is brought to you by Kaskade. One of my lovely friends texted me this morning and said this song made her think of me.

“Floating on the water
Staring in tonight
Soaking up the magic
Specks of tiny light”

– Floating,Kaskade