Fast facts (if you don’t have time to read the full post): I will kick off day 10 of my journey tomorrow bright and early at 6:30 am for my port install! I am going to be a mod, minus the biker gang street cred obviously, but I definitely have some book cred. I am book smart, not street smart. *me cackling to myself at my own jokes*

TO THE LONG VERSION!

I am a chronic planner. If you’re remotely in my life, you know I value my Google calendar, lists, and detailed plans. You want to hang out Friday night and you’re asking me 10 am same day? Good lucky, buddy. You want to talk on the phone? We better schedule a time. “Spontaneous” is not a word I use in my world. I enjoy routine and structure. It keeps my anxiety under control and it gives me the illusion of being in control. I enjoy control. Not in a “I need to rule the world!” kind of way since I am definitely not Type A or have any interest in leading anything major, but I do love to know what is going on and have a say in what is happening.

Cancer has not surprisingly thrown that all out of the window. My only structure left is my treatment plan. My world is free falling at several WHAT THE FUCKS person second. My anxiety is off the charts. I am really struggling to grab hold of the reins of my new life. I don’t even know if there are reins to grab, but my arms are out stretched looking for something that will make me feel stable again.

I crave who I was a month ago. I was making eggs benedict for breakfast. I was making plans to visit my friends in Idaho, in Chicago, in Florida. I was finally looking forward to life again because the last two years for so many of us has been spent in survival mode. I didn’t know there was a lump in my boob. I didn’t know I have cancer. I am so pissed I still need to operate in survival mode. So so pissed. It is so draining.

Despite this shit show, I am giving off the appearance that I am taking this well. I want to clear the air and say that I am not and that is okay. Both parts of me are welcome here: the part of feeling shitty and the part of projecting something more positive, less doom cloud. My emotions are on a roller coaster. I have moments during the day where I am distracted and I am just plugging away at work and then I go feed the squirrels outside and I see Squirrely Dan and I cry because I don’t get to be present in her life as much this summer because I have cancer.

So far, cancer has just felt like an idea. I haven’t had to do anything really hard yet, so it has been super easy for me to project that I am okay because I somewhat am. I feel the lump in my breast, so I am not in denial but something about this whole thing just feels unreal. I have done some uncomfortable things so far like confronting needles in my boobs and my arm and making challenging decisions about my healthcare, but I haven’t made it to the part where I get injected with poisons to cure me. I still have my hair and my breasts and a sense of femininity as a cis woman. But I would be lying if I didn’t admit to you all that I am still wrapping my brain around the immense loss I am about to face. I still think I am in a nightmare and I will wake up not as a lumpy potato, but a happy little potato.

Tomorrow I have a feeling the nightmare will become my reality after my port is installed. I am pretty grateful that it is so early in the morning though. I get the whole day to rest! And I don’t have to fast or not drink water all day. I was super stressed that my surgery would be at 3 pm and I would be curled up on the floor at work wishing for water. I will leave surgery, loopy and weird and there will be a device above my heart that will make receiving my chemo and other drugs or drawing blood a lot easier, but that also means this is very real. The idea is now a concept turning into a long term project. I am just glad it is not a group project because those can get pretty iffy, amirite??? Hahaha. College jokes. I guess this is technically a group project because I have doctors treating me, but they seem less sketchy than some of my past group project participants. I think I can count on them to pull their weight.

My port is going to be a weird addition on my body. Tonight is my last night that I will see my chest like this. Everything from here on out will be a modification: my port, the removal of my breasts, and the reconstruction of my new breasts. It is hard not to be a little sad because I don’t think I understand fully yet what is to come. However, I think I might look badass with my port. You don’t want to fuck with someone with a mod, you know? You don’t want to underestimate how strong they are because honestly I am stronger than you think. I am stronger than I think.

Today’s song lyric of the day is brought to you by Simple Plan. You knew this song would come up at some point, right?

“I’m just a kid
And life is a nightmare
I’m just a kid
I know that it’s not fair
Nobody cares
‘Cause I’m alone and the world is having more fun than me tonight”

– I’m Just A Kid, Simple Plan