Fast facts (if you don’t have time to read the full post): Today at 6:26 am, I walked into the surgery center for my first “major” surgery as an adult and I am now the proud (temporary) owner of something called a PowerPort! Let’s call this a consensual lease agreement with an eviction notice at some point. I am resting at home for the day and my surgery was a success. If you stay here long enough, you can see some neat pics at the end. I promise they are not gory, but do want to give you a potential trigger warning if you are easily scared off by incisions. One is a general installation photograph and the other two are some artistic interpretations by two very talented good friends. I is art.

TO THE LONG VERSION!

“FUCK! This feels weird.”

Those were my last words as the anesthesia kicked in. I am glad none of the nurses or doctors I have encountered have been put off by my dirty sailor’s mouth. I hope they laughed at my final sentence as I drifted off to sleepy land. They warned me that they were giving me the meds and told me to look for signs of numbness and tingling. I have a vague memory of what that felt like. It was weirdly uncomfortable and my last internal thought was really focused on feeling that feeling. As the blackness grabbed hold of me, I imparted the world with my vulgar emotional feedback and I feel good knowing that if those happened to be my last words, they would make a decent gravestone or at least a memorable sticker.

“Fuck” is one of my favorite words, even when I am not sick. I love the versatility of the word. The versatility is almost at the level of potatoes. Fucking potatoes. I love potatoes. I enjoy that “fuck” can be a noun, a verb, a person, even an object! A word for any mood and any scenario. I don’t need to be angry to use it. I use it when I am happy. I also use it when I am confused and that seems to happen a lot. It’s a good word and I hope you can get comfy reading me use it because sorry folks it is my word of the year.

Let’s rewind to 5 am this morning when I woke up. I had dreams ALL night about my surgery. They were all the same. I would walk into surgery confident, I would black out in my dreams, and then “wake” up in my dream knowing it was over. I love that sometimes my brain does it’s job in protecting me as it battles my anxiety. I also know this mechanism is intentional because I chose not to research what this surgery would entail. For some folks, knowing what is about to happen to you eases the anxiety of what is to come. In my case, the less I know the better (as it relates to my medical care!) because I won’t obsess over something I literally have no information about.

I chose to wear my hot pink “Fuck Cancer” socks that feature a very cute cat graphic and rainbows, my Lady Gaga “Joanne” long sleeve t-shirt, and astrology themed joggers. For me, this outfit was intentional and a statement so that who I am and what I value are very clear and I felt confident. But literally I was only in this outfit for like 5 minutes before I had to swap it for some 80’s inspired hospital wear. Oh well. I made my nurses look at my socks before they put me under. They laughed.

Every nurse I encountered was AMAZING! I really have to give props to all of my many nurse friends serving in healthcare right now. I looked at my nurses and saw my friends in them and I know for a fact that my friends are giving excellent care to patients like me and I was so thankful. I was grateful for their patience and willingness to help me cope with my needle phobia and talk to me about my life. I felt like I was more than just a patient in their day. There is no better feeling than that right now for me to feel loved and valued by strangers who are caring for me.

Also, we are another needle down! I think my arm needle count might be standing at two needles. I do want to clarify that I will continue to encounter needles via my port site, so that doesn’t mean my needle days are over. I am just beginning my needle journey, but the insert location is less frightening and I will tell you why. But first, you need to know what the heck is in my body!

Today, I had a vascular access port implantation. This surgery was to install it under my skin. For vascular access, it is placed into a vein and the port allows medications or nutrition to be sent straight into my bloodstream. Blood can also be taken or given through this device. (Note: I am not linking to a YouTube video of this install because I prefer not to look, but at this time you could opt to Google this if you’re a visual learner/are not scared or keep reading for the written education component.)

During the procedure, a long, thin tube (a catheter) is threaded into one of my large veins. In my case, it was my left jugular. The tube is then attached to the port. Because it sits under my skin, there is a bump there now. To use the port, a special needle is passed through the skin and into the port. Fun fact: the needle can stay in the skin for up to 7 days, if needed. A port can stay in place for weeks or months or longer. This port is going to be used for my chemo treatment, making for less pokes in my arms. I have temporarily named my port “Porty Port the Port” but I think we could do a competition to name it something more clever. You can leave suggestions in the comments section if you’d like after you see what we are working with in the photographs.

Right now I am hyper aware of the port in my chest. My chest feels very tight and weird. Like if I slightly lean froward, I can feel it pressing against my skin. It is such a weird feeling! I am a mod now! This port I wear with honor as it is my armor. In ports we trust!!!

Although I am relieved I have crossed a big hurdle in my pre-treatment care, I recognize I am getting closer to my chemotherapy. This is starting to feel very real for me. I have a CT scan, bone scan, and an echo next Friday to make sure my cancer has not spread. Please send energy into the world that my cancer has not spread. That is my new biggest fear. I hope it has stuck to my breast and lymph nodes. We do know my left breast is cancer free based on my MRI results, so that is promising. Once those are done, I have an oncology appointment on March 17 and then off I go to kick some major cancer ass.

Today’s song lyric of the day is brought to you by Panic! At The Disco.

“Mama said
Fulfill the prophecy
Be something greater
Go make a legacy
Manifest destiny
Back in the days
We wanted everything, wanted everything”

– High Hopes, Panic! At The Disco

Here is your reward for making it this far! CHECK OUT MY SWEET MOD! And if you know where these captions are coming from, then this makes sense why we are friends.