Fast facts (if you don’t have time to read the full post): Two people came up with names for my SuperPort: Party Port and Harry Porter. I love my friends so much. I have no idea which one to pick. Both are excellent. My port feels a bit more settled today. Breathing doesn’t hurt anymore. I was able to go for TWO WALKS today! Hooray! I am leaning into things that make me uncomfortable because I am going to be very uncomfortable for a long time.

TO THE LONG VERSION!

“Are you resisting closeness? Today, there’s a little voice in your head telling you that it is selfish to get what you need. It’s not. You just need to learn that you need to listen when people express uncomfortable feelings and needs. Take it slow. Don’t put your finger in every pie.” Ooof. This is my horoscope today on the Co-Star app. I am dying at the accuracy. I also do enjoy sticking my finger in every pie, both figuratively and literally. Who doesn’t love pie????

Having cancer is the ultimate test as an enneagram 2. I am a helper. I don’t ask for help, despite acts of service being my receiving love language. I am a walking contradiction. Helping and serving others makes me feel loved and valued in every way. I love being dependable and the friend you can call when you’re in need. What I hate is NOT being available or helpful to others. Cancer is literally making me unavailable for like the next six months. That is like two of my worst nightmares at once! Being in this situation has put me in an uncomfortable position with family and friends. So many want to give to ME, to help ME, to clean my cat boxes for ME. The urge to resist and say, “No worries, I am fine” is VERY strong for me. I am still working through why I view me needing help as a weakness because when I know others need help I never see them as weak. They just need a little help. So why do I feel weak?

“There’s a little voice in your head telling you that it is selfish to get what you need. It’s not.” Again, this app is not wrong but everything in me is competing against this. It feels selfish to call upon my community of loved ones because I recognize so many of you (including myself) have been tapped out by the pandemic, by life, by the never ending social injustices in the world, by simply trying to survive in this world. Things have been tough for so many and then now things are about to get a gazillion times harder for me and I just don’t want to put people in a position where they have to give more than they have. Cancer feels like a burden and I hate that it feels like I am giving it away when I talk about it or ask for help. I don’t want to burden anyone. And yet… I think about last winter when my mom was going through her cancer treatment. It was the burden I wanted to hold when my mom was struggling so she wouldn’t carry it alone. I didn’t even want her to have to carry it if it meant I could. I keep trying to think about that for me since I am now on the other side, but it doesn’t make any of this emotional processing easier.

On Saturday night, I was alone and in a ton of discomfort and pain from my surgery. I pushed myself too hard during the day and I came home to being completely out of dry cat food and the cats were very hangry. I didn’t want my cats to plot my death in the night so I was like shit I gotta get some food! It was almost 9 pm at night and I knew if I left I would be disoriented. I was torn between laying on the floor of Fred Meyers or asking a friend if she could get some dry food for the cats and sending money over Venmo. I literally agonized over this decision for like 15 minutes before I texted my friend for help. WHY IS MAKING A CHOICE LIKE THAT SO HARD FOR ME? My friend wanted to help me before I knew it, she was at my house with the cat food and she saved the day. I lived another day and was not eaten alive by my cats. And the help didn’t kill me, just my pride a little bit. My ego will recovery, I think.

I tried to sit with that discomfort on Saturday. People around me care about me and want me to win. They want me to live. And sometimes in moments like this (with this dumb cancer thing) there is nothing to do for me other than help me buy cat food. I have to be okay with that. I am trying to be okay with that. I hate that I might lose some of my autonomy for a short amount of time. The care giver in me that I use for others will be trying to care for me. I can’t help others if I am in the ground, right? But I bet if I did die, I would be a really helpful ghost. I would show you signs and symbols and life secrets. I might even visit you in your dreams or haunt the houses of your enemies for you. I would be an excellent ghosty friend.

BUT. I cannot die. I don’t feel like being a ghost right now so let’s not even go there.

On a lighter note, only two of you commented about naming my SuperPort. It’s okay, I know some of you are social media shy. It has come down to “Harry Porter” and “Party Port.” Super Porty Bros? Harry Porter and the Party Port? Harry Party Porter? Party Porter? Harry Porter and the Prisoner of Cancerban? We have options people! Let’s try to sort this out this week. I have to use this device on Friday for my CT scan and I think the nurses will really think I am extra annoying if I have a name for it and only refer to my port by that name. “Excuse me, sorry, you are hurting ________________.” I will cackle, cry, and choke on my tears as I am injected with glowing tracers.

Today’s song lyric of the day is brought to you by Cher. I had no idea that Sunday was daylight savings and now my whole week feels so off but I am loving the Cher themed memes. Here is a reminder to set your clocks back on Sunday, especially your annoying stove clock.

“If I could turn back time
If I could find a way
I’d take back those words that have hurt you
And you’d stay”

– If I Could Turn Back Time, Cher