Fast facts (if you don’t have time to read the full post): Yesterday, I requested my genetic counselor to send me my results through the portal and today it updated and said that results would be shared April 7… so I hope she calls me before then? I felt emotionally numb for most the day. I am also having random pain in my right lymph node biopsy area.

TO THE LONG VERSION!

I wish I was able to talk about some of the things I am experiencing emotionally right now. Part of it is that it is incredibly hard for me to articulate how I am feeling because I am finding that the language I am using is not strong enough to match the feelings I am experiencing. I wonder if anyone can understand the magnitude of what I feel with just words alone without being personally subjected to the category five hurricane in my brain? The pressure feels relentless. Even small moments I try to give myself to breathe and be present in life don’t provide much relief right now. Yesterday I cried a lot. Today didn’t cry at all. I felt numb.

The other part of this has to do with some of the complex relationships in my life and how those are impacting my processing. I wish I could talk about them freely in this forum, but I can’t. Those weigh heavy on my heart.

I don’t really drink but sometimes I wish I could just be drunk so I wouldn’t care for a moment about what is happening. I haven’t been drunk in years… maybe at least six years? I remember during lock down I was on a Zoom call on a Friday night with my college friends and we were all drinking, but even then I couldn’t get myself to dip beyond two glasses of wine. I definitely was buzzed and being the goofier version of myself. Like I was literally at home, nowhere to go, and I had a shit ton of wine (the good shit from my mom… if you know you know!) and I couldn’t get myself to drink more than I should! I am laughing at myself right now because this is really funny for me to type out for you all to read. I am glad that drinking isn’t my vice, but I keep looking around and wondering what my vices are. Cats and plants and tough gym sessions??? Are those even vices???

I picked up the lidocaine cream to numb my skin for Friday’s scans. This will be the first time we use the port! I am not excited to be stabbed like a Capri Sun multiple times over the course of the next however many months, but it is better than messing with my sneaky arm veins. I get super squeamish with bruised arms. My friend at work is super brave and takes needles like a champ and is always wanting to show me her arms after she gets blood drawn and I always want to throw up. There is a bruise fading on my right hand from the IV last Thursday. I’ve been avoiding contact with my hand at work. Sorry, hand. You scare me.

I did want to note for anyone that cares that I have been having some incredible sleeps lately according to my Fitbit. Like I am hardcore in REM and normally most of my sleep is spent in light sleep so this is a random life improvement! I have had pretty great consistent energy lately since my surgery and you would think that would be the opposite given the circumstances. Maybe because I am not waking up at 5:30 am to exercise??? I haven’t exercised since last week so I really hope this weekend I feel well enough to do a light leg day or something. Maybe hit up BodyPump if I feel extra spicy. Today Jose saw a dumbbell set at Costco on sale for a killer price and I told him he had to get it for me. I am super stoked to have a heavier weight set at home and can’t wait to use them. For anyone who is looking to do some amazing at-home workouts, I follow this girl on YouTube named Sydney Cummings. Her workouts are FANTASTIC and great for any fitness journey. I’ve been doing her workouts for the last couple of months at home. 10/10 recommend.

I just really want to feel like myself again. I so desperately miss me. I miss my routines and a sense of normalcy in my life, but I digress. This seems like a good time to stop rambling and a great segue into today’s song lyric!

Today’s song lyric of the day is brought to you by Adele.

“When will I begin to feel like me again?
I’m hanging by a thread
My skin’s paper thin, I can’t stop wavering
I’ve never been more scared”

– Cry Your Heart Out, Adele