Fast facts (if you don’t have time to read the full post): We are a week post port installation and today is the first day that I finally feel ~mostly~ normal, or at least whatever the new normal is. I will attempt to exercise tomorrow. I’ve been super crampy and my anxiety is VERY high for tomorrow’s CT scan, bone scan, and echo. I really hope there are no other cancers floating all nimbly bimbly in my body. FYI today’s blog is about periods and birth control. This is a safe space to learn more about bodies!

TO THE LONG VERSION!

I’ve been on birth control since I was 15 years old. That is half of my life! Being on birth control was initially out of requirement because I was taking Acutane. My acne was out of control and wouldn’t respond to anything to clear it. My zits were NUTS. They were swollen and gross and painful. I tried every cleanser at the store. I tried Proactive, which was being pushed as the acne savior in the early 2000’s. I tried more water. I tried EVERYTHING and nothing would help the hellish bubbling zits and deep black heads that my body was an expert at producing. WHY IS MY BODY SO GOOD AT PRODUCING BAD THINGS!?

I was called pizza face a lot in middle school. Brace Face. Fatty Madi. Uggo. I was bullied throughout my middle school and high school experiences. I used to call myself the perfect person to be bullied because I had the trifecta of things kids love to make fun of: bad acne, braces, and overweight. I was also introverted and weird, but I guess not in the cool way according to 11-18 year olds?? Those years of my youth were full of magic but also full of depression and the deep need to be loved and accepted for who I was. I started my first round of Acutane my sophomore year. Taking birth control is mandatory because if I were to get pregnant while taking that drug, there would be severe consequences to the fetus to the point that the label warns you that you will be asked to terminate the pregnancy. Now, I didn’t picture myself having sex at all (I wasn’t), but the doctors still put you on it just in case you did or if you are a victim of sexual assault. How is that for some added trauma to an already traumatic drug?

I ended up doing two rounds of Acutane: once in high school and once in college. Acutane Fucks. You. Up. My hair and skin were so brittle. You get so incredibly dry. I was flakier than a French croissant. My lips have never recovered from those treatments. I am constantly applying chapstick as an adult. I still attribute it to those intense treatments changing my body. Depression was rampant, another devastatingly huge side effect of that drug. You also cannot drink while taking it (not a problem until I did my round in college.) I am acne free for the most part now (such a blessing) but sometimes I relish in finding a good black head to destroy now that I see them less often. Ah, the simple joys in life. Pro tip: TJ Maxx has the best lighting for finding lonely black heads while scoring a great deal on designer clothing. They really should hire me for an ad. Wanna sport your zits in style? Shop at TJ Maxx! And this is why I work in marketing for a living. *cackles*

I stayed on birth control following both rounds. It didn’t make sense to roll off. I am one of the lucky ones who has had no real side effects taking the pill. No issues. I was caught off guard when I was asked to immediately stop taking them when I was diagnosed with breast cancer since it could make my situation worse. So I stopped. But what has come AFTER stopping has blown my mind.

I was sitting on the couch last night writing my blog and the moment I got up, I felt intense cramping. I stopped walking and was insanely confused. My period is not due for another two weeks, but I figured I might not get to visit another menstrual cycle because I am going to receive a shot to make my ovaries temporarily go to sleep to protect them during chemotherapy. Immediately I thought like fuck I have cancerous ovaries. Of course! Any pain is now cancer. I am fucked! Cue panic.

I messaged my friends and told them what was happening. I was crying thinking my cancer has spread (because honestly this is a very real fear for me right now!) It did not take much investigative work on their end to realize I was ovulating and that is why I was cramping.

I WAS SHOOK.

You cramp during ovulation, I guess….? I have gone most of my life experiencing menstruation never having this experience because of being on birth control. Honestly, my experience with birth control has been fortunately quite blissful. Periods are often times a breeze for me. I was BLOWN AWAY. Honestly, I still am. And now I am fully understanding and respecting the power of my body in a brand new way. I also seem to know very little about menstruating so I feel like an idiot. What the hell.

Tomorrow I will take my crampy body to outpatient imaging. I will get lit up with tracers to show any other possible cancerous places in my body. I will get my heart checked out to prepare for a battle that will damage my heart. I will cry. I will eat lunch. I will survive the day.

Today’s song lyric of the day is brought to you by Evan Giia.

“I can’t keep up with my emotions
But I need ’em
Yeah, I’m happy
On the weekend
But then the week hits
Now I’m cryin’ for no reason”

– Mood Swings, Evan Giia