Fast facts (if you don’t have time to read the full post: T-minus four days until the first round of chemo. I spent the day trying to rest (ha… what is rest?) and prepare my list of questions for my oncology team. Look for an FAQ page focused on all things diagnosis and treatment soon!

TO THE LONG VERSION!

Can you remember something you’ve done that you didn’t realize you were doing for the last time? I saw that thought on a meme once. It was focused on realizing that there was day when you were a kid playing outside for the last time and you didn’t know it. Oof. That meme fucked me up and it is fucking me up right now as I prepare for chemo. Are there things I am doing for the last time and don’t know it?

I know my life technically isn’t ending, but sometimes cancer plays mind tricks on you. I don’t want to mean “FOR THE LAST TIME” in a morbid way but in the sense that there are things I may never do again or may never experience again. Like for me, having two breasts that are my own is something I won’t have soon. The boobs I have carried with me over the last 29 years will one day be removed. Thanks cancer. You’re a real gem. I am trying not to think about that too much right now because that feels like being at the bottom of Everest, not even training for Everest, and suddenly someone is like, “Whether you live or die depends on you climbing to the top of Everest.” You don’t know how you will get there or why this ultimatum landed in your lap, but you guess you’re doing it?

I had that “Is this the last time?” feeling today when I went to Body Pump at the gym. I wondered when I would get to go back to class. Will I get to go back ever? I mean, I don’t want something to go wrong in treatment (fingers crossed) but something could. I really tried to enjoy myself. I felt strong, but I was simultaneously wondering who in the room knew I had cancer?? Did they suddenly see me squatting as extra God-like strength even though it was almost my regular weight? I don’t think anyone was thinking about me in that way during pump, but I felt like telling everyone in the room that I was still a normal 29 year old despite the weird ass tumors growing in my breast and lymph nodes. No big deal. I have the weirdest thoughts now.

I began my fitness journey seven years ago with one of my college roommates. We started casually lifting together in the mornings and she was really into running so I tried to get into running, too. I have always HATED running but I really tried to enjoy it and I started on the treadmills at the gym. Running on treadmills is weird. You literally are moving and going nowhere at the same time. Running was really cool to explore until I took an arrow to the knee. Just kidding. I got tendonitis in BOTH of my knees. At the same fucking time. All from running with poor technique and poor shoe support. Lesson learned. That was the first blip in my fitness journey. I wanted to just stop exercising all together. I was trying to exercise to improve my health and in turn I ended up hurting myself in a different way. What kind of crap is that?? The other blips are less impressive. Strained back muscle. Some weird wrist stuff. Stress fracture in my foot. Fatigue caused from COVID. And now cancer.

I worry about how chemo may impact my ability to stay active. It will be my longest health issue to date. I talked about in a previous post about how I bought a new weight set. I bought it to make exercise more accessible during treatment and less germy than the gym but there is a chance I may not have the energy to care for myself in that way. Gosh I really want to be able to keep some of my hard earned muscles. I lost so much of my quad strength during the lock down and when I was sick with COVID. I have been slowly regaining it back and it makes me a little depressed that my body might take another critical hit. I know I have bigger things to worry about, but exercise has been a wonderful and beautiful experience for both my mental and physical health. I’ve enjoyed seeing myself blossom in that way. I have loved learning that I am stronger than I think.

As the countdown to round one of chemo shortens, my days of exercising feel like they are coming to an end. Or at least coming to an end in the way I currently operate. I hope these final days are not my last days of exercise. Maybe I will be able to exercise, just not six days a week. Maybe I go down in weights and that is okay. Maybe I am not lifting but I am walking more or running as the weather improves. Who knows? There are a lot of unknowns in how my body will respond to chemo. Half of me wants Thursday to be here now so I can know exactly how my body is going to respond and adjust my life accordingly. That clearly is the planner in me. The other half is holding on to my pre-chemo self for as long as possible because I know I will never be the same again.

Today’s song lyric of the day is brought to you by Kid Cudi.

“What a world that I’m living in
Will the rainstorms ever end?
Still I feel my
Path narrow, I run again
Seem happiness is gone again
Then you see ’em
Grey clouds up above man
Metaphor to my life man”

– Sky Might Fall, Kid Cudi