Fast facts (if you don’t have time to read the full post): T-minus one day until my first round of chemo. Less than that, actually. Like 12 hours as I write this. Fuck. I am feeling all the feels while preparing for something I don’t even think I can prepare for. I had a beautiful day connecting with so many wonderful people in my life and allowing myself to be loved. Now I just hope I can get some sleep.

TO THE (NOT SO LONG) LONG VERSION!

I’ve never felt this loved in my life. Ever. Simultaneously, I have never felt more alone and isolated. Cancer is like being placed in an escape room by yourself. The room is made of glass. Everyone is watching me and shouting clues and yelling and cheering, but this is something I have to endure alone. Nobody can join me in my body to fight with me. Even then, a lot of this fight is out of my hands. It is solely dependent upon my body and the chemo I receive. I trust science. I trust my doctors. But nothing in this moment makes me feel okay about what is to come.

I need you as a reader to be okay with what I said. I love you. I love the support you’ve given me, in whatever ways you’ve been able to show up for me during this chapter of my life. Know I am grateful beyond any words I can say at this time. There are so many of you I want to shower in thank you notes and love and hugs and remind you of how important you are in my life. But also know I hold space for both things to coexist for myself right now: gratitude and deep despair. My worst nightmares are my reality. I am descending into my personal hell for a moment, or for at least eight weeks. Maybe the full twenty. I don’t know. Don’t worry, I promise I will leave victorious, but this is where I have to be to do the things I need to survive.

This is a day I will probably remember forever. Realizing so many people in so many different seasons of my life are ready to support me through this journey is a blessing I cannot even describe. Thank you for showing up. Thank you for being here. Thank you for caring about me. I am having a really hard time writing this post tonight. There aren’t words. Just silence.

Let’s just sit here together, just a moment longer.

Today’s song lyric of the day is brought to you by Adele. I know I already did an Adele song, but this…. this hits hard tonight.

“Let me photograph you in this light
In case it is the last time
That we might be exactly like we were
Before we realized
We were scared of getting old
It made us restless
It was just like a movie
It was just like a song

When we were young”

– When We Were Young, Adele