Fast facts (if you don’t have time to read the full post): Another day of rest. I feel like my body is fighting itself. I cannot tell if yesterday or today felt worse. My body is in a permanent state of naps. Today’s wins: eating Panda Express orange chicken and some white cheddar puffs. The orange chicken was the first chicken that I have had in a year that didn’t have the COVID taste. I am glad I was able to eat something! My brain feels foggy AF though. It has made doing basic tasks more tiring like feeding the cats or wanting to shower. I am three days post first chemo treatment. I hope this gets better this week. I need to function dammit!
TO THE SHORT VERSION!
I’ve struggled with people calling me “brave” and “strong.” I know everyone means well when they send or say those words to me. Honestly, I know a lot of folks are struggling to find words to say to me in general. There are no words sometimes and that is okay. I am giving you permission to not know what to say because honestly I don’t even fucking know either. Sometimes “fuck” is enough. Nothing about this moment in my life makes sense. It feels absurdly unfair and confusing. But I am not strong or brave. Right now I am very weak as my body duels it out and I have just decided to accept whatever the fuck is happening to me. I cannot change the fact that I have stage 3a breast cancer. I cannot justify it. I cannot ask why I have it (well I kind of can because maybe genetics lmao.) I either get chemo to fight this dumb shit or die. So yeah, I want to live obio (obviously.)
I take my naps in the name of defeating cancer. I know if I nap, I am letting my body heal. I eat my oatmeal with chia seeds in the morning so I can get my meds down and give my body fuel to keep going. I’ve got cells to destroy and recreate. I accept texts and hugs from friends and family knowing it is all they can give me as my body rages inside. Those words and actions bring me comfort in my pain. But I am not brave or strong. Instead, I am resilient. I am just doing what I am told because these are the things I have to do to live.
Today’s song lyric of the day is brought to you by Alicia Keys.
“When it rains it pours, life can be so lonely
But the faith of the storm
Makes the way less heavy
This life can seem so unfair but who cares
If I can rise up then I will get there”
madisonhatescancer 
2 responses to “3/20 – Day 27: Brb sleeping”
Big hugs Madison. I can’t even begin to imagine what you’re going they. I have you in my prayers. And yes, it is a GIANT FUCK! 🙏💕
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Madison!! I bet you are so tired, poor body of yours is what I think of when I think of Chemo. I can’t imagine the feeling of having all that going on inside of you to cure you! And it’s crazy to think that people don’t regularly experience chemo or cancer, so they can’t relate to what you are feeling ever! I remember that with COVID, not a lot of people had it and they would have no sympathy, saying it was just the flu, until they got it and they realized it was worst, but only until they got to experience that first hand (I am referring to my wonderful mother in law haha)
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