Fast facts (if you don’t have time to read the full post): I attempted to work today! I made it five hours before I had to go home to rest my eyes and regroup to finish my shift. Shout out to my job and my boss/co-worker for the flexibility and support during this shit storm. Does it get better? I cannot feel my brain anymore. I need more complex thoughts in my brain other than, “That feels like more than a fart.” I need my BRAIN! I am four days post first chemo treatment.

TO THE SHORT VERSION!

I left work in a haze at 1:30 pm today. Creativity used to pour from my soul and now I am a dried up creativeless prune (for now…) thanks to the poison in my body. I feel out of my body a lot. It is almost like I am watching myself, yet I am still there. My brain is not my brain. Nobody is home. I see you at the door, but I cannot open the door. My brain feels like a wet sock that you know you need to pick up, but you let it soak on the carpet for too long and now the carpet is wet and everything smells. The sock and the carpet are now one. Ew. My knees feel like little jello cups that haven’t walked in weeks. My teeth ache. I feel like I am stuck in time. Yet, I miraculously move. I made it from home to work to home again. I don’t know how. Glad work is only like five minutes away from my house.

I called my mom to come by when I left work. Bless that magical woman. She asked me if I needed anything and all I could think about was chicken nuggets. Funky little fried meats. Before I knew it, she had a cute paper bag full of crunchy delights and I was brought back to life on my couch just in time to clock in at 3 pm. But all good things come with a price. Those chicken nuggets have given me THE WORST heartburn ever. Dear nuggets, why do you gotta do me so dirty? I still have not recovered.

In summary, I worked almost a full shift continuously today, took two small walks, didn’t have to take a Zofran today, and ate more than I have eaten since I started chemo. Today was a big win day for me but it was FUCKING HARD. I am struggling. I am so glad that chicken nuggets don’t have the COVID parosmia taste to them anymore. My body desperately wants some protein. I can tell. Tomorrow can only get better from here, right? I hope tomorrow has more chicken nuggets in store.

Also. I have deeply appreciated all of the surprise Amazon gifts arriving in my mailbox. Every time I get something unexpected in my mailbox, I silently hum to myself, “You just got a letter! You just got a letter! You just got a letter. I wonder who it’s from!?” Today, a black mastectomy pillow, cheetah turban, and pink cup arrived. And a hospital bill! Yay me! If you’re my mystery giver (or are there more than one of you???), will you please stand up? Or DM me? I would love to thank you for your generosity. I continue to feel so incredibly loved and thankful that so many of you want to see me live and burn this cancer to the fucking ground in fashionable patterned turbans.

Today’s song lyric of the day is brought to you by Jax Jones. I’ve been asking my brain all day where did it go? I still don’t know.

“Oh, my love, where did you go?
Where did you go now? I wanna know
With all my love, where did you go now?
Where did you go now? I wanna know”

– Where Did You Go? (feat. MNEK), Jax Jones