Fast facts (if you don’t have time to read the full post): I made it a WHOLE DAY at work! New chemo record! I also ate half a bagel with cream cheese and I haven’t had cream cheese in a year (thanks parosmia.) I am tired, but the day went better than expected. I am six days post first chemo treatment.

TO THE SHORT VERSION!

The last thirty days have been a whirlwind. I went from a carefree little potato to a poison potato and adjusting to this new chapter in life has been challenging. We are now on the path of destruction and remission. There is no turning back. The version of me on February 10 is forever gone and eclipsed by the version of me I had to become on Discovery Day, February 11. I mourn this. Before I hit you with the hard feelings, let’s cover what I am grateful for: doctors believing me and responding quickly to diagnosis me, my family and friends who have shown up in droves to support me on this horrific journey, the word “fuck,” late night cat cuddles, insurance, science, potatoes, and the power of love.

While I can actively hold space for all the beautiful things keeping me afloat, I ashamedly was drowning in guilt this morning. I have never cried heavier, deeper tears than the ones I released this morning. The guilt of being sick with cancer is so incredibly heavy at times. I feel like I am ruining the lives of those around me. The inability to show up for people in my life the way I wish I could right now is heartbreaking. I feel inadequate at work and in my personal life. I work so slowly. Making basic decisions takes me minutes versus seconds. I haven’t been able to cook my partner dinner in over a week because I am so fucking weak and fall asleep by 7 pm. I miss being fully present in conversations. I wish my world was turning.

Although a shitty feeling to admit, my feelings were well received and validated this morning by several people, including my mom and younger sister. To quote my sister, “It’s ok. You don’t have to be shitting rainbows out of your ass all the time. It is the duality of the human experience. You’re doing great. I’d be more surprised if you were feeling fun and spicy.” I am working through those feelings and I am guessing they will appear again sometime, but for now it is enough to acknowledge them, cry a bit, and keep moving forward.

Side note: I am happy to report I identified trace amounts of anxiety in my body today! (I was legit worried that my anxiety meds were making me too dull.) I was walking in the park and had the stupid thought the whole time that some high schooler was going to make fun of my haircut and I would have to tell them I had cancer and make them feel awkward. Welcome back, anxiety! I am alive!!!

Today’s song lyric of the day is brought to you by Modest Mouse.

“The ocean breathes salty, won’t you carry it in?
In your head, in your mouth, in your soul.
And maybe we’ll get lucky and we’ll both grow old.
Well I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know. I hope so.”

– Ocean Breathes Salty, Modest Mouse