Fast facts (if you don’t have time to read the full post): As of this afternoon, 205 “Fuck cancer! Enjoy rainbows!” stickers have been pre-ordered! I am seriously blown away by the support. Seriously, why are all of you so kick ass? So glad we all hate cancer together! Click HERE to order one! I will leave the pre-order form open for another week before closing it to order stickers and ship them. I had my second growth factor injection today. That injection will help in the production of “healthy” white blood cells. I should be needle and appointment free until my third round of chemo on Thursday, April 14. Yay!

TO THE LONG VERSION!

“I really wish that cancer responded positively to aggressive online bullying. I’d be sliding into those DMs like, “Hey round boi, I saw you on that stupid MRI you posted. You think you’re sooo metastasized. Lol. Literally no one likes you. I know you’re really attached to Madison, but the truth is she hates you. So if you and your two idiotic, estrogen munching, lump friends think you’re so fucking deadly you should just unalive yourself now and save us the hassle of your pathetic existence.” – A wonderful rant from a wonderful friend about the potential spread of my cancer.

Why are you all so amazing? Seriously. Here I am, just hanging out in cancer hell and you are all with me at all times of the day, cheering me on in my little glass box as I duel it out. I will still never understand how I got so lucky in my life to be surrounded by so many people who are down to punch cancer in the fucking face. All cancer is stupid and I sure hope someday there is a cure because fuck this shit.

Today has been a day of rest and I am surprisingly having a good day? I would say on a scale of one to awful, I am a .5. No major side effects ~yet.~ I have to wonder if it is because I received extra fluids after chemo yesterday. My nurse was like, “How is your heart? Any heart problems?” I told her not and she was like, “Well, you have half of bag of saline left. I want to put it on the highest setting and give you extra fluids and get you out of here.” I was down. I only peed red yesterday, so I think those extra fluids kicked chemo out of my body early. Just a theory! The bruise I have on my stomach from my hormone blocker shot yesterday is gross. It is all purple-y and wonky. That needle was a BIG ASS BEAST. I didn’t see it, but everyone else did. Cringe. As if one not sending me into chemically induced menopause for the next five years was not enough, I had to get a second stomach shot today. Luckily this shot went better than the first and hurt less but literally my tummy is so unhappy right now. I am a bruised up sad little bitch.

Speaking of my hormone blocker, today is April Fools Day. Joke for you: When it is April Fools Day but your life is already a joke. Sorry I had to for me! I laugh. On a different note: It is NEVER OKAY to post a fake pregnancy joke on this day or any day for that matter. Struggling with infertility is not a joke and can be harmful to your friends and family. I know all of you reading this are respective human beings and wouldn’t dream of posting it, but after receiving my first hormone blocker, I realized there is a very real chance I may never be able to have children. No mini Madison’s?! So sad. Despite not knowing if I wanted to or not, having the choice potentially removed from me is a really painful thought. I will have zero idea how fertile I am until five years from now. And on top of that, I have to contemplate that having children means potentially passing on the BRCA1 gene. There was no time for me to organize fertility preservation with my aggressive cancer and it has left me feeling quite traumatized in a way that I am still actively processing.

Cancer is a never ending grief process.

Today’s song lyric of the day is brought to you by Mark Ronson.

“I weigh the water, I feel it all
I ask myself a million questions in the dark
I lay in silence, but silence talks
It tells me heaven is no closer than it was”

– Late Night Feelings (feat. Lykke Li), Mark Ronson