Fast facts (if you don’t have time to read the full post): Looks like my parosmia is not really gone. I celebrated one year with parosmia last week. How the fuck I have made it this long with this stupid issue is beyond me. Lots of things have changed for the better, but it is clear my olfactory nerves are not 100% healed. I am two days post chemo and I am feeling significantly better than the first round of chemo. Sus. Also my hair on my head is shedding faster. I am starting to feel some type of way about that.

TO THE LONG VERSION!

On December 15, 2020, I went to work and by 11 am I went home because I noticed one of my nostrils was plugged up. The little alert bells in my brain were going off. I slept most of the day, woke up, and prepared myself jalepeño mac and cheese for dinner. I could not taste it at all. Uh oh. At that point, I knew I had fucking caught COVID-19. By Thursday, my results came back and I was confirmed positive. I lost my complete smell and taste, was extremely fatigued, had extreme bone pain in my hips and back, and overall felt like a piece of shit. I celebrated Christmas alone in my house with my cat. People dropped off tamales and pozole, pho, and other wonderful treats and I could not taste a damn thing. I waved to friends and family through the window as we talked on the phone. I cried a lot. Quarantine was depressing and isolating. It was one of the worst 10 days of my life (up until now.)

I felt extreme shame for contracting COVID. I had done almost everything right. I wore masks religiously. I sanitized my hands. I was social distancing. And today, for the first time in a year and a half I am going to openly admit to you all where I contracted it. I told everyone around me that I had no idea how I got it, but I knew. I was so ashamed. I still am. And honestly, I am really scared to tell you all this since I have lied for a really long time about it. Part of the reason I kept it a secret was because when I got sick, my mom had just started her battle with stage three HPV throat cancer. I felt so much guilt that I had caught COVID and she was fighting for her life. I couldn’t see her. It was devastating to miss almost a month of her initial treatments because I couldn’t risk being around her.

This blog feels like a Catholic confessional box right now and I am not even Catholic nor have I ever confessed but here we are.

December 15 was a Tuesday. Three days prior, I went to BodyPump at the gym and was maskless in class for the first time. I should have stayed fucking masked but no I was an idiot. I just had to go to the gym. Someone had come to class and was sick (I didn’t know until later that they were) and I got infected. Fuck. Me. Now you all know my deepest, darkest secret. I hope you don’t hate me for lying for so long. And if you do, I deserve it.

I carry that regret with me every fucking day. It weighs so heavy on me. Not only did I miss critical time caring for my mom during her darkest hours, contracting COVID completely changed my life. I’ve been a long hauler for almost a year and a half at this point. I struggled with COVID brain fog for months and long term fatigue. I was completely anosmic (loss of smell) for two and a half months before parosmia settled in. Parosmia has made eating a challenge, as many of you close to me know. Early on in my parosmia, most foods tasted like rotten milk, sewage, orange cleaner, overly acidic, or sometimes I couldn’t identify what they tasted like so I just referred to it as the “COVID” smell.

So much has shifted with my parosmia it has been incredible. I had reported after my first chemo that some of my most triggering foods tasted normal: lettuce, beef, onions and garlic, and cold brew coffee. I literally thought for a day that chemo cured my parosmia! I spoke too soon. Beef seems to be unchanged as of today and I am finally able to enjoy chicken nuggets (yay!), but coffee and lettuce are still presenting weirdly. Last night, I went to prepare myself a grilled cheese and cheddar is back to tasting like rotten milk. *Sigh* I am supposed to be eating better during my treatment, but I am at the mercy of my parosmia at this point. I just try to eat whatever my body will allow me to eat. It is fucking exhausting to have cancer and parosmia at the same time. Every hour is unpredictable. And I fucking LOVE food. Eating is one of my favorite hobbies. I pride myself on knowing where the best tacos are in town. I am a wine snob. Bread (good bread!) and fancy cheeses are my favorite foods. Parosmia has robbed me of one of my greatest joys and I have only myself to blame.

I can’t help but wonder sometimes if there is a connection between contracting COVID and now my sudden onset of very aggressive cancer. I am not a conspiracy theorist. I believe heavily in science. There is currently no evidence that is saying what is happening is because of COVID but sometimes my brain wanders. There are many unknowns surrounding COVID and the damage it can do long term. I’ve been eating what I view as poorly over the last year and a half. I normally have way more veggies in my diet, but most veggies have been off limits thanks to parosmia. I’ve done everything I can to care for my body, but sometimes genetics are stronger than the health we can control I guess.

Fuck you BRCA1. Fuck you COVID.

You can learn more about my experience with parosmia here, here, and here.

By now you might have noticed I have a very eclectic taste in music. I am the product of all the cool people in my life who have introduced me to amazing music over the years. Today’s song lyric of the day is brought to you by Eminem because I had to give credit where credit is due for today’s blog post title.

“Testing attention please
Feel the tension soon as someone mentions me
Here’s my ten cents, my two cents is free
A nuisance, who sent, you sent for me?”

– Without Me, Eminem