Fast facts (if you don’t have time to read the full post): Today was my third chemo in hell with the red devil and it was ~extra~ hellish mainly because Harry Porter and the Prisoner of Cancerban (aka my port) was being very uncooperative. I survived chemo, got a shit ton of fluids in, and we have one red devil chemo left! Tomorrow is my growth factor stomach shot and I get to sail off into the sunset until April 28 for my final delightful red devil.

TO THE LONG VERSION!

Today I smelled 48 beach balls. That is a lot of beach balls! This means my port was flushed 48 times and my normal average is generally under ten at an appointment. I am feeling extra hydrated and tired because Harry Porter and the Prisoner of Cancerban decided to be a little bitch today and not produce good blood return. Actually, it was not producing ANY blood at all. It was a fucking day. Let’s explain for all of you cancer muggles.

My first appointment on a chemo day is visiting my favorites to get my blood drawn and get my IV ready for chemo. My blood nurse today was my nurse who gave me my dreaded hormone blocker with such ease. Her name is Hanan. I hope I got the spelling right. I have a little bit of chemo brain right now. She’s great. I was excited to see her and ready to get the show on the road. First comes the Capri Sun style stabbing of Harry Porter. Don’t worry, I lather it in lidocaine and get special numbing spray to ensure no needle pain. Pop goes the weasel, get the IV set up, and we flush the port with saline to ensure it is all clean. This is a pretty standard practice that we do after each blood draw and several times during chemo. Generally, I get around like ten or less flushes during my stay. They always taste like the essence of super plastic-y salty beach balls. You know like the La Croix soda? It is like that kind of essence.

So once a flush is done, we try to lure the blood out. We are secretly vampires. They push another saline in, and pull (not sure what it is called??) the part that injected the saline out and it is supposed to draw blood into the tube, but mine did not. I mean, it did a little bit but not enough to do a blood draw. What did come out was thiccc and reminded me of the last squeeze of ketchup. I have had a couple flushes before to lure blood out and that has generally worked, but today that did not. The number of port flushes continued to climb. I was asked to dance, raise my hands above my head like I just don’t care, squat, massage my boobs, and bend over to touch my toes. I was like an extra in a fucking Usher song. At this point I had an audience. Everyone loves an energetic cancer patient and a dance party. My first nurse’s hands were getting tired, so we recruited another nurse to try a few flushes. Three other nurses were watching and then I had my emotional support human and my cancer center friend there cheering me on. It was lit.

Around port flush 25, I took a lap with my two cancer besties around the building. Still fucking nothing came out. We took a break so I could do my urine sample, but another patient was using the bathroom and taking forever so I got called back for more flushes and a small threat of “If we can’t get this to work, we will need to go for your arm.” I was getting mad at Harry Porter because this little port is supposed to save me needles going into places I have not pre-approved! Expecto patronum, bitch. I only approve stomach needles now! After the threat, I went to the bathroom to produce a healthy sample of urine. I sat down and what do you know? We got fucking blood! Arm poke avoided….for now.

I was well over 30 port flushes at that point and 50 minutes beyond my appointment time and I had a feeling this was not the end of that tale. I was on time for my oncology appointment, had a great talk with the nurse practitioner, and got news that my tumor is turning mobile! That is GREAT news. This means it is detaching from the tissues and getting smaller. Love that journey for me.

Today was my first day decorating my chemo pod. We put up my new “crying is cool” banner and watermelon lights on my IV pole. So cute. I was the cutest pod in the ward today. Because my blood work took forever to acquire, it delayed my whole day. My blood work results had not come back so I had to wait since we cannot get the chemo drugs until we show I am good to poison again. We stole several snacks today and got lots of time to watch the stupid snow fall and instantly melt on the ground. I also got to see all of my favorite nurses today including Hot Nurse Megan, Megan #2 and Rachel (my favorite duo!), and befriended my new nurse friend Linda. Let me tell you all of the nurses are amazing and my favorites, but this little group…. ah just love so much. I felt like the luckiest little cancer patient today, minus the port issues.

Of course blood return was a bitch to do again for the red devil, so I did a similar routine to earlier. Luckily it was not nearly as exhausting as earlier since I ended up going to the restroom and came back and boom! Blood! Something about peeing is working? Chemo itself was a breeze and by the time we ended, I peed again, got blood return once more, and a final port flush. We ended the day strong with 48 port flushes. I wonder if that is a new daily record? I love setting new records. Honestly, you had to be there to believe it. And every flush is a fucking salty little beach ball.

Hanan had joked earlier in the day that my insurance gets charged for every flush I do. I didn’t realize it was a joke until later on. I cannot imagine if insurance was charged (or patients without insurance!) were charged because sometimes you just have a bad day with your port. Most ports are installed on the right side of the body since it produces better blood return given the placement and how blood is transferred in your body, but the cancer is in my right breast, thus the port on the left. The left side can be trickier and also sometimes a sheath or something can get stuck in the port causing it to block blood return. We think this might be the case and next time I will be given a drug of some sort to dissolve that and hopefully get things running more smoothly. Fingers crossed.

I did get extra fluids today and so far I am feeling similar to round two of the red devil. I am hopeful that the extra fluids and random port flushes today are my key to success. I am already peeing mostly regular colored urine and not red, so things seem promising. I feel tired from the excitement and I literally talked to my nurses all day, so I cannot wait to sleep.

Three red devils down! One to fucking go on April 28! Tomorrow we have a growth factor shot in my stomach and then I am a free chicken for two weeks. 13 chemos left.

What else should I decorate my chemo pod with???

Today’s song lyric of the day is brought to you by Usher. Fuck yeah!

“If you hold the head steady, I’ma milk the cow (yeah!)
And forget about game, I’ma spit the truth (what?)
I won’t stop ’til I get ’em in they birthday suit (yeah!)
So gimme the rhythm and it’ll be off with their clothes
Then bend over to the front and touch your toes”

– Yeah! (feat. Lil Jon & Ludacris), Usher, Lil Jon, Ludacris