Fast facts (if you don’t have time to read the full post): We are four days post third round of red devil chemotherapy! I cannot believe I only have one round of the red devil left before I hit the weekly chemo treatments. I continue to be surprised at what my body can handle and what it cannot. I also have successfully made it through this third chemo period without taking any anti nausea pills! That is a HUGE win for me! And so far, we are doing okay in the poop department. But of course I have replaced one side effect with something else: I have seem to have lost my brain.

TO THE LONG VERSION!

I woke up feeling like a fresh sprig of rosemary this morning. I seemed alert, bright, centered, and rested. I scan my body each morning, checking in on myself. How am I feeling? Did I sleep okay? How is my anxiety? Can I take care of myself today? There is a lot that goes into my emotional health these days. Mornings always invigorate me. It is when I am most creative, most active, and most excited. Unsurprisingly, I’ve always been an early bird. I am always the first to fall asleep at any party (and can do it with great ease!) and the first to wake up, bored and ready to go home. As much as I am an extrovert, I am very much a homebody and a creature of my habits and dwellings.

I remember being at this party when I was maybe 19 or 20? It was in a small apartment behind my old work. I don’t remember much other than there was some sort of banana liquor involved, a terrible portable stereo, glitter and fake diamonds, and bad pizza. I also think someone broke something in the kitchen? I honestly cannot remember. I woke up behind a couch at 6:30 am on a Sunday morning, confused as fuck with drool on my face and someone’s loud ass alarm going off in a room I didn’t have access into. I smelled bad, slept like shit, and had a vague memory of falling asleep in someone’s closet before moving behind the couch. How did I get behind the couch? Why was I even in the closet?

Damn. Those were the days.

Instead of vague drunken memories, I now have chemo brain. Although my day started fairly alert and promising, something shifted by lunch time. It almost felt like my brain was a fish tank with sand and sediment at the bottom. Someone came in, shook up the tank, and now everything is floating about chaotically. Like a goldfish, my memory span has significantly decreased. I could not remember where I put certain files on the drives at work. I couldn’t even remember what the files were called! A new person started in our HR department and I knew her from a previous job and I knew that I knew that, but I could not place any memories of this person in my life. The amount of frustration and anger I had today with myself was unreal. My brain went from a sunny day to last week’s shitty weather. I haven’t had a clear thought since 11 am.

The trouble with chemo brain is that it happens out of nowhere and I have zero idea how long it will last for. Basic thoughts today took every ounce of my energy to sort. I found myself questioning everything I was doing. I felt paranoid that I was doing something wrong. Even driving to Target after work was somewhat scary for me. I kept wondering if I was driving too fast, too slow, or if my turns were too abrupt. I got lost in Target because I couldn’t remember where the frames were at. At least you can blend in wandering aimlessly at Target because everyone else is doing it, too. But for a minute I genuinely was scared for myself. I didn’t know what to do. I suddenly felt overwhelmed and wondered if I could have an anxiety attack in Target even though I am on anxiety meds. I have never felt more alone in my brain. I am a goldfish lost at sea.

So, what causes chemo brain? According to Cancer.org, “Chemo brain is most commonly connected with chemotherapy, but other treatments, such as hormone therapy, radiation, and surgery may be associated with it also. These treatments can cause short-term, long-term, or delayed mental changes or cognitive problems.” Chemo brain can look like issues with concentrating, difficultly remember details, trouble with multitasking, taking longer to finish tasks, inability to find words, and memory lapses.

I am pretty sure that nobody really noticed much of my chemo brain today other than me, but I did express several times during conversations with co-workers that I was having difficulty processing my thoughts, maintaining conversation, and remembering small details. In the midst of those vulnerable confessions, I felt like people might think I am lying or using my cancer as an excuse to not maintain relationships or conversations. How stupid is that thought? Here I am, all poisoned up, and my brain is trying to tell me that people think I am lying. What kind of fuckery is this??? And that is chemo brain for you: a deceitful, confusing as fuck landscape.

The worst part is that I am acutely aware that I am having problems and there are differences in my thinking. It pains me. It makes me feel incompetent. And there is not a fucking thing I can do about it. Well, apparently I can try to eat more veggies and do word puzzles according to that website, but Wordle is only once a day and my parosmia is still fucking around with like 80% of the veggies I encounter. There are no wins for me today.

If you see me lost in thought, struggling about like a lost little goldfish, please show me compassion. Maybe even give me a hug. If I am slow to reply to your texts or calls, know this isn’t the real me right now. It is the cancer. It is the chemotherapy. And I just need a really long nap.

Today’s song lyric of the day is brought to you by Party Favor.

“Waves are crashing behind both eyes
I can’t see clearly when the world’s in divide
Millions of pieces, there’s nowhere to hide
I’m spinning in circles, I’m losing my mind”

– Losing My Mind (with Elohim), Party Favor, Elohim