Fast facts (if you don’t have time to read the full post): I have my consultation with radiology tomorrow morning at 8:30 am at the cancer center. Can’t wait to report back about all the things I will learn! I also have a really achy hard lump on the back of my skull? Not sure what that is about. I will make sure to include a photo in here somewhere for you all to see.

TO THE LONG VERSION!

Are you a dreamer, reader? Do you remember your dreams? Most of the time I can. There are dreams I still remember having as a kid. A lot of them involved tornadoes and me running away from them. There was one that took place at the Kennewick library on Union Street in the park. (Fun fact: we lived behind the library growing up so it was our backyard!) I was running away from a tornado, trying to get into a house that apparently Oprah owned. She wouldn’t let me in, so I had to just keep running. (Bitch!) But running in my dreams is a weird act on its own. I run SO SLOW, which I think is a reflection of the fact that I am not a natural runner in the non dreamscape world. My knees barely move and most of the time I am also partially blind. My dreams are pure anxiety. Since being on anxiety meds, I haven’t really had an anxious dream… until last night.

I abruptly woke up in sweat around 2:30 am this morning (thanks menopause??) The rain was pouring outside. I was hot, confused, anxious, and upset. In my dream, someone at work told me that I had to put key chains on 5,000 “brag tags” which is something I just purchased at work for another department. They are basically like the scannable gym cards you put on your key rings, except these are super fun, are for the library and not the gym, and are reading themed for kids. In my dream, this person told me that nobody could help me and I had to do it all in one day. I struggled to get one key chain on a brag tag because my hands are so fucked up from chemo. I ended up crying in the dream and waking up.

First off, fuck anxiety dreams. Second, I am glad that anxiety lives in me somewhere because I do miss my anxiety just a little bit. It feels like a part of me that keeps me alert and on my game. Without a little anxiety, I am floaty Madison with no real agenda other than I am trying my best. I don’t think my anxiety meds are dulling me too much anymore, but it is weird to live in my brain without high functioning anxiety 24/7. Thirdly, that dream woke me up, made it so I couldn’t fall back to sleep, and I got to focus on the immense bone pain I was randomly experiencing in the middle of the night!

I don’t think my bone pain is related to cancer in my bones at this point since I primarily experience it when I am at my lowest white blood cell count which is a week after treatment. I also have not really felt it in my spine, which is where there is concern for metastatic cancer, so that is a good sign, I think? Don’t quote me, I am not a doctor but merely living in my body interpreting things. I am currently a week out from my third red devil treatment (and one week away from my final round of red devil!), so this makes sense for me. It is a side effect of my body recovering from chemo and my growth factor shot to help my body make more white blood cells. But the pain is pretty uncomfortable.

I imagine myself as a worm being shoved into a little straw when I experience bone pain. I wiggle about and there is some room, but I am trapped. The pain is a dull ache that reminds me of when I had COVID. Today’s bone pains were in my hips, lower back, and the back of my skull. I took my anxiety med today which is an SNRI (also known as a serotonin–norepinephrine reuptake inhibitor which helps with my anxiety and depression but also with nerve pain) and I put some CBD balm for good measure.

Speaking of pain, there is this really unusual lump I just discovered this evening on the back of my skull. It aches and is hard and protrudes out. I have decided to wait it out until the morning and not go to the ER, but I am concerned. Of course all lumps in my body make me want to scream, “DID THE CANCER MOVE?” but then my sister lovingly reminded me this evening that my body is currently saying no to cancer with chemo and it is probably not that. But what is it??? I will have to update you all tomorrow when I talk with a medical professional.

Today’s song lyric of the day is brought to you by George Thorogood & The Destroyers, naturally.

“The head nurse spoke up
And she said “leave this one alone”
She could tell right away
That I was bad to the bone”

– Bad To The Bone, George Thorogood & The Destroyers