Fast facts (if you don’t have time to read the full post): I am five days post red devil chemo. I literally slept all weekend. Every moment I could lay down, I did. I crave every moment I can lay my little bald bitch head down for a little snooze. It doesn’t seem to matter how much I try to sleep. My body is so run down.

TO THE SHORT VERSION!

My body feels like the little loading spindle icon on a computer. Round and round and round I go. Minutes pass and nothing changes. Just a never ending doom circle. ~nOw LoAdInG~ My body is so incredibly tired. What energy I do have, I muster up to endure an eight hour shift at work and then I go home, eat, and immediately collapse on the couch.

I have no energy for anything else right now. I am so sorry. Texts are going unanswered. My event planning has halted. I just have nothing else to give. Every action I do feels so heavy. It requires more brain cells than I think I have currently. Chemo kills both good and bad cells. I think that includes brain cells? Probably not. But it feels like it.

Have I mentioned the paranoia that comes with chemo fog? I am constantly worried I don’t know how to drive. Or walk. Or that I am sharing stupid stories in conversations. Is what I am even saying in a conversation coherent? Am I really typing this slowly? I literally watch myself function in a slow moving Matrix all day. I will my fingers to find the right letters on the keyboard, only for them to click the wrong letters anyway. I can type over 160 words per minute when I am regular Madison. Now I type like I am a five year old.

Also the emotional void has been disturbing. I look forward to waking up at 3 am because my anxiety/depression meds are out of my system. I can feel feelings rush through me. I can feel creativity springing up in my veins. In the small window in the darkness of the night, I get a glimpse of me.

I really miss me today. I grieve for me, for the version of me that existed before my diagnosis. I grieve for my health. I grieve for my sense of normalcy. I can vent and type and cry all I want, but having cancer fucking sucks. It sucks. Sucks. Sucks. Sucks. I feel like a shell of a human.

Fuck cancer.

Today’s song lyric of the day is brought to you by Avicii.

“Wish you could find that love is a fragile thing
Magic gone from a pretty thing
Maybe it might be time
For a better day
For a better day
For a better day”

– For a Better Day, Avicii