Fast facts (if you don’t have time to read the full post): I am three days post chemo. Although this feels a lot better than the red devil, Taxol is really taxing in its own way. Notice what I did there? Heh. My feet have little blisters on them. My nails on my fingers are all painful and beginning to lift. I can barely do basic tasks like button my pants, open cans of cat food, sweep, or even type this blog post. I feel like a tender little piece of delicate meat. I also wonder if I am slightly depressed? Can you be depressed while on anti-depressants? I keep finding my mind in semi dark spaces lately.

TO THE SHORT VERSION!

Taxol is significantly easier than the red devil chemo that is for sure. I mean, it is still hard, but it is easier in ways?? My energy is mostly stabilized. My appetite feels normal again. My brain isn’t super cloudy. But I am only three days past treatment so maybe I shouldn’t get too excited? Well, maybe I should because I am almost halfway to chemo number six. The trade offs are my nails are killing me. My feet feel like they have blisters all over. I feel like I have a really bad sunburn on my toes. I am curious if this is an allergic reaction to Taxol or if this is just some freaky side effect? I have no idea. I guess I need to ask an adult.

I was hoping to have a blog post out last night, but the keyboard on my tablet broke so now I don’t have a way to blog unless I am on my desktop. I was like mid blog post and my keyboard was like “Lol no more typing for you!” Jose, my resident tech expert, tried to mess with it, but Google searches resulted in us learning that the keyboard sometimes just….dies. So I was like okay, I can get a new keyboard I guess? During the process of finding a new keyboard, I learned that the tablet I bought was discontinued so finding a replacement keyboard was not only challenging but rather expensive. Technology forced my hand and I bought the expensive keyboard that most likely will die again soon because buying a new tablet is not in my budget this season. And now I own a tablet that doesn’t exist. *cue internal screaming* This both annoys me and enrages me because I bought the tablet literally two years ago during the pandemic so I could Zoom with people and now it is considered a relic. I should have fucking bought an iPad. I am an idiot.

So I went to bed sad about my choices in technology and I woke up in my feelings this morning. I really should stay off social media at 5 am. I was flipping through everyone’s Instagram stories and realized how utterly alone I am. It is hard not to envy those who get to go out and live their lives right now. It is wedding and quince season. Everyone is going out to eat and having parties and enjoying life. The weather is getting nicer. People are going out of town and enjoying life. Meanwhile, I am here at home, crying in my bed, wondering if I am going to die. It is hard not to feel envy and rage at everyone who gets to be fucking normal while I have to be pumped with poison. It isn’t anyone’s fault but I grieve for a time when I was fun and people actually wanted to see me because they wanted to have fun too, not because they were checking up on their “friend” with cancer. And even if I was invited to do something, I probably can’t. Fuck you, cancer. You stupid fun sucking fuck.

Today’s song lyric of the day is brought to you by SHAED.

“I’ve been having dreams
Splashin’ in a summer stream
Trip and I fall in
I wanted it to happen”

– Trampoline – JAUZ Remix, SHAED, Jauz