Fast facts (if you don’t have time to read the full post): I am three days post chemo treatment. We are approaching chemo round seven this Thursday! My neuropathy is pretty annoying in my finger tips. Typing this blog post is hard to do. I literally used a pair of scissors today to help me zip up my pants. I tried opening a tea bag and couldn’t. Oh, also welcome back constipation. I missed you. Just kidding! I also have my second meeting with the plastic surgeons office on Wednesday to learn more about reconstruction.

TO THE SHORT VERSION!

I thought I was bad with self care before I was diagnosed with cancer. Turns out I am even worse with cancer! Literally the last month I have told myself I should take a bath and give my body some love. The last time I took a bath was December 2020, two days before I contracted COVID-19. I have used my bathtub for self portraits and photo shoots, but I personally have not taken a bath since then. I really suck at bathing. I also suck at taking care of myself.

I struggle to find time to care for myself and let myself rest aside from sleeping. I just have a hard time abandoning my adult responsibilities and justifying time for myself without a time limit. Every time I get close to allowing myself space to just be, I find something else that needs to be done. If I don’t do it, who will? I also struggle asking for help, which is the other part of the problem. I could probably ask Jose to do something for me so I can give myself the time I need to do something for myself, but I somehow convince myself that asking him is a burden. I am the problem.

I feel similarly at work. I take off time for my chemo treatments, but then I am back at it the next day. I spend the weekend playing catch up and trying to rest when I can, but it never feels enough. I feel so bad for missing work for treatments once a week that it is hard for me to justify taking a day off to do nothing. I crave a day to just… be. Go to the spa, maybe. Sleep in. Take a bath. Do something. And yet, I choose work and cleaning the dishes over myself every time. And with the fundraising event around the corner, I am feeling the pressure to keep moving forward and pushing myself because I want this event to go well, raise a lot of money for the Tri-Cities Cancer Center, and everyone have a wonderful and exciting time.

Deep breaths.

In other news, I had a smoothie from Costco today and for the first time in 14 months it didn’t taste like rotten milk and it tasted normal! Yay! Thank you parosmia! Slow progress, but progress none the less.

Today’s song lyric of the day is brought to you by Moon Boots.

“In my dark sunglasses
I can hide behind
I’m drowning
But you won’t see me cry
When bad things happen, it’ll be alright
As long as I know you won’t see me cry

– You Won’t See Me Cry – Crackazat Remix, Moon Boots, Little Boots, Crackazat