Fast facts (if you don’t have time to read the full post): I am in extreme pain. Like it is getting harder for me to mask the amount of pain I am in. These are side effects of my growth factor injections and my chemos. Like holy fuck. The red devil side effects weren’t nearly this bad. We are three days away from my event and I just keep hoping for a miracle that my body will cooperate. I didn’t get any planning done for my event tonight due to pain. Hopefully tomorrow I have it in me to go to the distance and get this shit done.

TO THE LONG VERSION!

Murphy’s fucking Law. According to Wikipedia, “Murphy’s law is an adage or epigram that is typically stated as: “Anything that can go wrong will go wrong.” In some formulations, it is extended to “Anything that can go wrong will go wrong, and at the worst possible time.” I have planned enough events in my lifetime, both big and small, to know that this law is to be expected. You don’t have a plan b, maybe a plan c if you’re extra like me? You might as well fuck off.

This week Murphy’s Law is in full effect for Friday’s event. My connect for aguas frescas did not come through. We acquired less wine than anticipated. My best friend / emcee / right hand person is now sick and will be out for the count. Oh and I am in EXTREME pain because of my fucking chemo and bone pain from the growth factor injections. I am in so much pain that today at work I bent over and just about passed out. I think that also could be from the fact I am also anemic. BUT STILL. This pain is a gazillion times worse than the red devil. One of my really good friends / old roommate’s dog just died and another amazing friend’s brother passed away. So yeah. Things really suck right now.

The good news (which feels awful to say because everything feels really heavy right now) is that I ordered two 5 gallon jugs and have amazing friends who have offered to help with the aguas frescas issue. I told my mom about my wine issue and she reached out to her fabulous network of friends and we are now back to having enough wine for the winos in my life. I can’t fix my best friend, but I am asking my other best friend how comfortable she feels talking to a large audience. And bone pain? I don’t know how to get around that one but I did just take a CBD gummy. (CBD update: It didn’t really help.)

There are several moments in my day that I forget I am a cancer patient. I just get so wrapped up in my work and I pretend I can do everything I normally would do without cancer. But when I got home tonight, the mask fell and I broke down in tears. My tears fall differently these days. They feel heavier. They remind me of the dark rain clouds that brood in the sky waiting to unleash everything they have been carrying for miles. I let my tears fall in that same way. I let myself feel how hurt I am. I grieve for the version of me that was not in constant pain. I take a second to remind myself that I cannot do it all. I have cancer. It isn’t my identity and it isn’t for forever (I hope), but it is a fact I cannot escape. And right now I am not okay. So I let myself not be okay for a bit. I am still not okay, but I am a little better.

I had to go in to the cancer center today for my last growth factor shot and after, I made a bee line for the snack bar, naturally. Hot Nurse Megan stopped me and told me she had a little birthday gift for me. Me?? How lucky! When she gave me it, she pulled something out of the bag: the socks she wore when she underwent treatment. Little tears started to swell up in me, but I really tried to keep my cool. They are pink and white striped, with the saying “Keep calm and fight on.” I didn’t have a lot of time to reflect on this until I got home, but fuck. I am fighting cancer. She fought cancer. My mom fought cancer. My family members are fighting cancer. And I really hope we make it. I want us all to make it. And the fact that someone who doesn’t know me that well thought of me and wants me to keep fighting, there just aren’t any words to describe that feeling. Cancer has no mercy, so neither will I.

So despite Murphy’s Law, we keep fighting in all respects.

Today’s song lyrics of the day are brought to you by Christina Aguilera.

“‘Cause it makes me that much stronger
Makes me work a little bit harder
Makes me that much wiser
So thanks for making me a fighter
Made me learn a little bit faster
Made my skin a little bit thicker
Makes me that much smarter
So thanks for making me a fighter”

– Fighter, Christina Aguilera