Fast facts (if you don’t have time to read the full post): Today was an emotional chemo session, but chemo eleven is in the books. Five chemos to go! Harry Porter was a little bitch and didn’t give blood and it was a Zoladex day. I am drained.

TO THE LONG VERSION!

The first thing I do every morning is scan my body. How am I feeling? What hurts? What feels normal, if anything? Did I sleep well? Mood? Dreams?

I go through my morning routine. I attempt to poop, put in my eyes (my contacts), feed the cats, and hopefully get in a 30 minute exercise session. I go through the motions of benign tasks that masquerade as being normal. I find comfort in the mundane tasks of life these days. It is mindless work that has purpose on a cellular level and I am grateful I am functional to do it. In those moments, I don’t feel or think about my cancer. I feel a glimpse of the past version of me. Do I dare to say that I feel somewhat normal?

But then I have moments like today at chemo, where I look up at my IV pole to see how much of the drug is left in my bag and I realize that I have cancer. I have fucking cancer. I am at the cancer center receiving my weekly dose of life saving drugs as I hold hands with the reaper. I walk through the shadow of death every day, disguising my fear and anger and pain with basic tasks to just feel alive.

The last 24 hours have been hard. I pretend that they aren’t as a coping mechanism. The emotions compound. The chemo compounds. Everything is getting harder. Harry Porter wouldn’t give blood today and there was not enough time to keep trying so I was sent to the lab across from the lab that does blood draws from ports to get it drawn from my arm. I cried the whole time. I was mad at my port, mad at my body, and anxious because it just feels like a lot has been going wrong. And if you’ve followed the blog long enough, you know about my needle phobia. Some people might say I am being dramatic or that needles aren’t a big deal, but all of this is overwhelming for me sometimes. I hate needles. I hate fucking cancer. I just want this nightmare to end.

Someone at the beginning of my treatment said that it might be a silver lining for me that my needle phobia will lessen because I will encounter them so often. I wish that was true, but it feels traumatic every time I have to deal with one. It is a constant reminder of how sick I am and how much I hate to be poked like a Thanksgiving turkey.

Also, I had a feeling my hormone blocker shot was on the menu today and indeed it was. Nurse Christie nailed the delivery of the injection, but it left me again teary. I am so fucking sick of needles in my stomach!

On the bright side, I had some amazing emotional support humans (and dolphins?) today to support me and carry me through treatment. Those are my silver linings and that makes surviving purely out of spite possible. My emotional support human brought inflatable dolphins, a new rainbow heart banner, and delicious fruity pebble rice krispies to chemo today. We called pod number three the party pod today. Several of my favorite nurses stopped by for a treat and to ask me about my finger. Despite all of this fucking shit, they made my day.

Photo intermission! We love a rainbow moment.

I am drained. Currently there is a growth factor injection on my schedule tomorrow. I chatted with the nurses about it today and they will contact me tomorrow to confirm whether or not I need it. My numbers were good today and technically I don’t need it, but I am not sure if my oncologist just put it there assuming my numbers would drop again or if she just wants to maintain higher numbers. Please standby as we wait to find out if I get another fucking stomach shot tomorrow.

My finger is feeling better for the record. After I publish this post, I am going to soak the other fingers in water and Epsom salt to help encourage draining to avoid another infection. My body seems to just be infection prone. And then I will sleep. I am drained from crying and enduring. I don’t want to be “brave” anymore today.

Today’s song lyrics of the day are brought to you by the AlunaGeorge.

“Always more to sacrifice
Insatiable appetite
When you look in the mirror
And there’s no one that you recognize
Now that you’ve been sacrificed
I know that you’re looking, looking for paradise

– My Blood, AlunaGeorge, ZHU