Fast facts (if you don’t have time to read the full post): Chemo number 13 is in the books! THREE CHEMOS LEFT! The countdown feels so good but fuck I am going to be practically crawling at chemo on the last day haha! I have a growth factor injection tomorrow. My white blood cell count is low, which explains a lot of the extreme fatigue but I really hope I don’t have intense bone pain like last time. I am only getting one injection versus three this time. Small wins?

TO THE LONG VERSION!

Sometimes I wonder who I would be if I didn’t have cancer. What would I have accomplished over the last five months instead of going to chemo infusions and scans and napping endlessly on the couch. It is a fruitless day dream because it is impossible to know. Would I have pulled off a charity art fundraiser without cancer the same way I did with cancer? Would I have already done my Head Shot Happy Hour sessions? Would I have traveled more? I don’t know. And it doesn’t matter. But I like to believe there is a version of me in a different parallel universe that exists without cancer. It is a fun theory. Life flipped a coin and this is the version of me that needed to be formed in this timeline. There were people I needed to meet on this journey to enrich my life. There were experiences I needed to have. Not saying that I deserved or needed cancer, but I just need to find the silver lining in this shitty little universe I am living in. Cancer is dumb, but sometimes there are little cancer gifts and those gifts have made this experience bearable.

I am a bald little cancer bitch who loves stealing snacks and being extra as fuck during cancer treatment! That’s who formed!

That is me hyping myself up because honestly I feel like a pile of potato sludge.

Chemo number 13 is in the books and here is what I learned today since I got to meet with my oncologist: I will have a CT scan this month sometime before my final chemo to see the status of my tumors. Depending on how much they have shrunk will decide whether or not I need additional targeted treatments after my double mastectomy. However, NO MATTER WHAT I am DONE with chemo and the next action will be surgery 3-4 weeks after my last chemo.

I also learned that my nails falling off is actually a side effect of the red devil. My last red devil infusion was April 28 I think, so that shit is still fucking me over two months later. I am experiencing some numbness around my mouth and on my tongue, which is a side effect of my current chemos. So that is fun. I told my oncologist and she is aware of everything, but said if I can hang on, she wants me to power through the next four (now three) rounds so we don’t delay treatment. Basically all I heard when she told me that was, “HOLD ON TO YOUR LUG NUTS. IT IS TIME FOR AN OVERHAUL!”

I will continue to receive a monthly dose of my ~favorite~ stomach injection to stop the production of estrogen and attempt to save my ovaries. There is a three month injection option, but my oncologist does not want to go that route because of my type of cancer. It would be risky and we want to keep estrogen shut down. So I think I need a Zoladex count down for the next five years. That is a lot of stomach shots!!!! FUCK. If my calculations are correct (because math is hard), I have done I think three injections already, so that would mean I have 57 left.

Lol 57 stomach shots and not the cool ones you do at random parties in dark creepy basements with strangers.

I didn’t take a lot of photos today at chemo. I was tired and was with my dad, so we mostly focused on stealing oatmeal today. I stole three.

Cancer doesn’t end at chemo, so please don’t ask me, “Oh so you’re good now, right?” No I am not good. I am not good until I hear that I am cancer free in five years and I really hope I get to hear those sweet, sweet words. Until then, I am a war zone fucking around and finding out what an aggressive cancer can do to a body. It can do a lot by the way. But even at the five year mark, I will have a whole new set of problems. Am I fertile? If so, do I want kids? Do I try? If not, do I just have a melt down and opt for a hysterectomy earlier than 40 years old? Will I have other side effects from chemo and radiation down the road? What impact will reconstruction have on my life?

Cancer doesn’t end at chemo. It never ends for me. It is in my genes. Cancer is part of my life now. Cancer be dumb like that. So dumb. For real.

Oh and random piece of information: I have a surprise announcement for you all next Thursday. STAY TUNED! HEHEHE.

Today’s song lyrics of the day are brought to you by Bee Gees.

“And we’re stayin’ alive, stayin’ alive
Ah, ha, ha, ha, stayin’ alive, stayin’ alive
Ah, ha, ha, ha, stayin’ alive
Oh, when you walk

Well now, I get low and I get high
And if I can’t get either, I really try
Got the wings of Heaven on my shoes
I’m a dancin’ man and I just can’t lose
You know it’s alright, it’s okay
I’ll live to see another day”

– Stayin Alive, Bee Gees