Fast facts (if you don’t have time to read the full post): Today I had my CT scan. Fingers crossed that there are no new growths and that the tumors I do have are gone or on their way out the door. I also have depressing as fuck news to share with everyone, so keep reading if you want to be depressed with me.

TO THE LONG VERSION!

July 14, 2022. Chemo number 14 for me. I had a new routine of visiting my aunt in her chemo pod as I waited for my chemos to be delivered. It was nice to see a familiar face during treatment, but the reality that the two of us were getting chemo together was kind of fucked up and weird. Her chemos were spaced 21 days apart while mine were weekly. It gave me something to look forward to since I liked leaving my pod to be chatty. And lucky for me, my aunt was a chatty lady.

My aunt was incredibly thin. Her arms were bones with paper skin on top. She seemed ghostly, her freckles more prominent than usual, but she still had her energetic voice. Her dark hair was growing back, a stark contrast on her head. I wish we had talked about anything but our cancers, but what else do you talk about when this is the only thing consuming your life? She was looking forward to traveling to Seattle for stem cell treatment. Her one year cancer anniversary was coming up in September. She told me of various grants I could apply for if I needed financial assistance during treatment. Despite the shitty situations we were in, we found ways to be helpful to one another during this mutually shared fucked up experience. We talked about similar side effects like our joints giving way as we walked and our time with the red devil. We both hated we were there, but these were our fights.

I hate that the last conversation I had with her was on that day and I said, “I will be back soon to visit. I need to go see if my premeds are done.” I didn’t come back. There ended up being a fire drill and a therapy dog visit. My friend and I had brought weird scones to share with everyone and the day just felt so long and exhaustive that we left without saying goodbye. I am not sure if she was still there when I left or not, but I wish I would have looked because it is the last memory I have of her now.

My aunt passed away yesterday. And I am having a really hard time with it. I don’t want to make this about me or center myself, but it feels oddly traumatic and it feels like another reminder that the cancer in me could kill me too. My aunt and I were not super close (which there are reasons why and I am trying to come to terms with those reasons now in the wake of this aftermath) but we shared this very unique journey together. They were brief moments in the span of our lifetimes, but they were moments I have kept in my imaginary cancer memory jar. I am trying to make sense of the feelings I feel right now but they feel like scrambled eggs that won’t come together to form little pillowy egg balls.

My older sister called me at 6 pm last night to share the news as I was driving to a friends house for an end-of-chemo celebration dinner. How the fuck do you celebrate after news like that? The emotional space provided by my friends that evening was so kind. Several of us there were going through situations of loss in various ways, so we chose to toast to celebrating the life we have left here on earth because it is so fucking short and to those who are no longer here with us on this journey.

As I drove home, a lightning storm decorated the sky. I have never seen the sky light up nonstop for so long. Half was covered in clouds, glowing from within while the stars and full moon sat and watched. There was no rain and no thunder, just the constant strikes and a summer breeze. I am not a very religious person, but I like to believe that the lightning was my aunt upset that cancer fucking did this shit. I mean she wasn’t an angry lady, so maybe I am projecting my anger into this narrative, but she was mad last night. Not mad in a violent way, but a way that told you that she was upset. And if there is a heaven or an afterlife or a space where souls collide, I hope she is with her daughter because that is the only thing that brings me comfort at this time.

I’ll miss my aunt’s famous Christmas enchiladas and bunko parties. I will miss her commenting praise on every Halloween photo I share (she loved Halloween.) And I will miss the opportunity I could have had to be a better, more present niece.

The last two years have been rocked with too many urgent texts and calls learning of cancer diagnosis and updates and deaths in our family. If cancer could leave my family alone, that would be fucking nice.

Today’s song lyrics of the day are brought to you by Garth Brooks.

“Thunder rolls
And the lightnin’ strikes
Another love grows cold
On a sleepless night
As the storm blows on, out of control
Deep in her heart
The thunder rolls”

– The Thunder Rolls, Garth Brooks