Fast facts (if you don’t have time to read the full post): Tomorrow is chop chop day! I am expected to arrive at 7:30 am at the surgery center. Surgery itself will last approximately two to two and a half hours. I walk in with breasts and leave with scars. My life forever changes once more tomorrow.

TO THE LONG VERSION!

On February 22, 2022, a day after my diagnosis call, I met with my breast surgeon. He told me following treatment I would need my right breast and lymph nodes removed and asked if my family had a history of BRCA mutation and if I would consider removing both breasts. Before knowing I was BRCA1 positive, I had already decided that I would choose a double mastectomy because of the recurrence rate. I wanted to eliminate any opportunity I could from breast cancer returning.

I reflect on the version of me in February who confidently made that decision before knowing anything else. It was a decision based in survival. Chemo and radiation are one part of the equation. The other is to physically remove as much of the disease as possible. It was easier to say those words 7 months ago than 16 hours away from life changing surgery. I stand by the decision to remove both breasts, despite knowing that decision wasn’t even a decision I really made for myself, but rather a requirement of treatment.

There is no bravery here. This is something I have to do to live and continue living what I hope is a long, cancer-free life. I am scared out of my mind. I am back in my glass box in hell, waiting for the next beating. Everyone watches on, cheering me from afar, but their screams and chants are muffled noises. It is just me and the cancer. I have to keep fighting.

I will wake up at 5 am tomorrow, take my final shower with boobs, and scrub them down with the antibacterial soap I was given. I will arrive at the surgery center a few minutes before 7:30 am, say goodbye to Jose, and walk alone into the building. Tomorrow my life forever changes once more.

I continue to grieve the person I once was before diagnosis. Now I will grieve the version of myself I had to become during the last seven months. And soon a new version of me will emerge from the scars on my body. I just hope she can forgive the decisions that had to be made along the way to save her life.

Thank you to everyone who has chosen to show up for me in the ways they felt they could during this unimaginable period of my life. It is not an easy journey. I’ve felt so loved and I carry that love with me everywhere I go.

See you all on the other side.

Today’s song lyrics of the day are brought to you by Lykke Li.

“I know places we can go babe
I know places we can go babe
Where the highs won’t bring you down babe
No, the highs won’t hurt you there babe
Don’t ask me when, but ask me why
Don’t ask me how, but ask me where
There is a road, there is a way
There is a place, there is a place”

– I Know Places, Lykke Li