Fast facts (if you don’t have time to read the full post): I am officially halfway done with radiation! I hit round 14 on Wednesday. For some reason I thought round 14 would be tomorrow (Monday, November 28) but I miscounted. Math is hard. The trauma of what I have been through is finally sinking in and I now have a stress fracture on my right foot, just in time for my LA trip that requires a lot of walking and activities. This is the second time in the past two years I have had a stress fracture in my right foot. What gives?!

TO THE LONG VERSION!

I work with some very giving individuals. I think it was five or six years ago, a group of us started adopting families for Christmas. Every year, I reach out to my contact at Domestic Violence Services to get our information submitted for our family but this year it has not been front of mind for me. I have dropped the ball. I sent an email to the group apologizing and asked if folks would either like to skip this year or maybe go another route like reaching out to the schools to find a kid or two to bless or maybe donate food to the humane society. Most of the folks on the thread were out on Thanksgiving break, but someone responded and expressed interest in one of the suggested ways to give back this year and sent the following message with support of giving back this season. *Note: This message was crafted by Ryan Dowd, a training resource we use for educating staff on how to deal with folks experiencing homelessness in the library. It does contain religious undertones, so feel free to replace that lens with whatever lens you’d like.

I love Thanksgiving! But… I try really hard not to be grateful for what I have. You might think that someone who has worked in a homeless shelter most of his life (and who has witnessed crushing poverty in multiple African countries) would be especially grateful that he lives in neither a homeless shelter nor an African slum. And I am grateful, but I try not to be.

I try not to be merely grateful. It is very easy for gratitude to replace action. It is very easy for gratitude to become an end rather than a beginning. There is nothing wrong with gratitude that leads a person to action on behalf of others. Unfortunately, we often seek gratitude for its own sake. There is nothing inherently good or worthy about gratitude that does not cause us to help someone else. My only response to the misfortunes of others cannot be gratitude that I am not them. I try especially hard not to be grateful to God for the blessings in my life. I have spent too much time with people in shelters and slums to think that God gave me a beautiful wife, two healthy children, a law degree, and a steady job while giving others homelessness, malaria, schizophrenia, and cancer.

We often treat gratitude like a burnt offering: something that drifts up to heaven and pleases God for its own sake but doesn’t fundamentally change the conditions on this earth. It supposedly atones for a multitude of sins, but by itself it does nothing to rectify them. Maybe the God who created the trees and the birds and the very earth where slums and shelters sit wants more than my gratitude. God did not build the slums and the shelters. We did. And it is we who will have to unbuild them.

So, my prescription for this season of giving thanks is to embrace the joys in your life with humble gratitude. But, immediately after you feel gratitude, you should feel angst—angst at a world that falls short of its potential. The angst is more important than the gratitude that precedes it. Angst coupled with hope is capable of birthing both today’s miracles and tomorrow’s justice. Or, more simply put: Be grateful, then go change the world.

Ryan Dowd

I am struggling with the feeling of gratitude this season because of my cancer diagnosis. Fuck this shit. I didn’t ask for it. I don’t want it. I did everything “right” or so I thought and it didn’t matter. What did I do for this to be my reality at 30 years old? It has turned my life upside down in ways that I feel like have ruined aspects of my life. I am not part of the toxic positivity crew, but I genuinely have tried to find things along the way to be grateful for like the cancer club I am a part of that I never wish I had membership to. And my cats. And the friends who have chosen to ride this wave with me. And my family. And I am still here, a painful guilt (and angst!) I have experienced this year as three people in my life have passed away from cancer.

I was initially plagued with the question “Why me?” when I was diagnosed. We all want to know. It isn’t enough to know that my cells are little fuck ups. That question pops up less and less now the further I get into treatment. It has been replaced with acceptance in that I have learned that even if I knew why, it wouldn’t help me. I still have rough days, and they are starting to manifest differently as I begin to look at the trauma I so carefully pushed aside during treatment so I could attempt to survive. Those traumas are heavy and the weight they carry is suffocating at times. How do I make space for gratitude when I sometimes feel like there isn’t much I want to be grateful for? When I do feel gratitude, what do I do with that feeling?

When I read that message from Ryan Dowd, it felt like the words I needed to hear. I am giving myself the grace of taking the time and space to mourn those moments I cannot bring myself to count my blessings (and rightfully so), but on the days that I do, I don’t want it to be enough for me to be just grateful. I like that Ryan calls to honor those feelings in action. I see the richness in my life and I know that there is always enough in my cup to share with others.

On Wednesday, I tried to be a recipient of gratitude in action. During my radiation appointment, I was snooping around the free stuff table and there were some new gifts: cute pink holiday boxes and pink bags with necklaces and candy inside. Oh and more crocheted hats. There are always hats. I took note to grab some treats on the way out. When I came back, the waiting room was full and I awkwardly took a pink box that turned out to have a Mary Kay night cream and some teas inside with shitty yellow candy. I almost grabbed a necklace bag but I felt greedy and didn’t know if I would actually wear it. I just am attracted to free stuff (as we all know with the oatmeal and cheese.)

I also scored myself a free Costco pumpkin pie! Nothing tastes better than free pie! Is that the upside of cancer treatment? Getting free food? Is that what I am truly grateful for? It had a cute sticker message on the pie: “Wishing you strength and peace this Thanksgiving and holiday season, along with good food to fill your table, good times with family and friends, and a path to heath as you fight to beat back cancer. May joy and hope be with you always!” Aw, how sweet. Knowing I might have cancer stuff going on for the rest of my life, I could get used to free pie.

I know I mentioned some traumas I am processing and soon I might be able to put that into written language for you all. Mostly I am struggling with the changes in my body and my future. What’s new? And now I have a stress fracture in my foot. You might be wondering why I think that without going to the doctor. Well, I had my first run in with a stress fracture May 2020. I was running a lot, like so much so that I was interested in investing in nicer running shoes. The day they came in the mail, I tied those suckers up SO hard that I ended up getting a stress fracture on the top of my foot! For about a year, I struggled with running and it was pretty uncomfortable.

This time around, I am not sure how I got it. I went to Body Pump on Thursday and Friday I ran Badger Mountain. Saturday I noticed the pain in my foot except it is located on the right side of my foot, an unmistakable pain that instantly reminded me of my first fracture. Is this a product of me making a silly mistake again? Or is this a product of my weakened bones? Either way, I am fucked. It makes me limp and it is wildly uncomfortable, even more so than the first time I had it. My friend in LA wants me to go get it checked out so I can get cleared for wheelchair use and then skip all the lines at Disney. Don’t judge us.

For now, I am icing my foot and trying to rest it. No more cardio for me for a while. Lame.

Today’s song lyrics of the day are brought to you by Bon Jovi.

“Woah, we’re half way there
Woah, livin’ on a prayer
Take my hand, we’ll make it I swear
Woah, livin’ on a prayer”

– Livin’ on a Prayer, Bon Jovi