Fast facts (if you don’t have time to read the full post): I am celebrating four months post chemo! It is a milestone I never thought would come. I am also approaching three months post surgery next week. And we are two months away from my one year cancerversary. Time to celebrate that I still exist (for now)!

I leave on Thursday for my chemomoon to California to celebrate surviving chemo. I was hoping to be done with radiation as well, but close enough. But before I get to have fun I have to do four radiation treatments, see my radiologist on Tuesday (and hear her thoughts on my MRI), and get a fat Zoladex injection Thursday. Ain’t no rest for the wicked.

Oh and my two year COVID anniversary is on December 15. Guess who is still a COVID long hauler? THIS BITCH!

TO THE LONG VERSION!

It is truly ironic that my body is capable of having so many fucking hot flashes given how cold it is. If I dare to wear a sweater and a coat in the car with the heater on, I will burn up. It turns into a never ending hot flash. I have to literally roll down the window, shed a layer or two, or turn on the A/C to control the imaginary hell boiling inside of me. Menopause is some fucked up shit. How lucky I am to get to experience it for the next five years, all thanks to my monthly stomach injection.

Now, menopause isn’t all that terrible. Just kidding. It is terrible. However, there is one small upside: I no longer get headaches or migraines. Seriously. It would appear that 99% of my head pain was attributed to my hormones! Now if I do get a headache it is generally mild, doesn’t last very long, and seems to be connected to a lack of hydration or sleep. My body is incredible.

Of course I traded head pain for burning up internally several times a day for short periods of time, but it’s fine. This is fine.

Of course hot flashes are not my only symptom of menopause. This may be too much information but you can also look forward to your vagina drying up (like no moisture… at all) like a clam washed up on low tide with no water in sight. It also makes me moody, but luckily I can counteract my mood issues with my anxiety medication. Basically, when you get cancer you have to take meds to help you endure treatment and then you take more meds to help with the side effects of those meds.

My body is special though. I am only taking three meds right now: metoprolol for my racing heart (thanks, chemo!), cymbalta for anxiety/depression, and gabapentin to help control my hot flashes when I sleep. Gabapentin is my absolute favorite. I know some folks have weird reactions to it, but thank goodness not me. I sleep so well with it.

When I finish radiation, I have to start taking my new hormone medication anastrozole. It is a daily estrogen blocker that I have heard nothing but fucking awful things about. If you remember, my cancer eats estrogen for breakfast so the goal is to remove as much of that hormone as possible so that the cancer doesn’t have anything to thrive off. I am literally not excited to start this medication because this drug can cause the following side effects: weakness; headache; hot flashes; sweating; stomach pain; nausea; vomiting; loss of appetite; constipation; diarrhea; heartburn; weight gain; joint pain; bone pain; muscle pain; breast pain; mood changes; depression; difficulty falling asleep or staying asleep; nervousness; dizziness; vaginal bleeding; vaginal dryness or irritation; pain, burning, or tingling in the hands or feet; dry mouth; hair thinning. Anastrozole may cause or worsen osteoporosis. It can decrease the density of your bones and increase the chance of broken bones and fractures.

Fuck. Me.

Okay I am about to say something really fucked up. This is the only time I have wished that my cancer was triple negative because that would mean it would have nothing to do with hormones. Half of those things on the list I already struggle with and this pill I have to take (it is non-negotiable) is going to amplify and potentially create more problems for me. Will I have to take more pills to counteract this pill?

I do know that twice a year I will have to get infusions to address the osteoporosis issue. I don’t know when that will start. My oncologist briefly mentioned that last time we hung out. Okay, I literally just wrote “hung out” and I am not going to correct myself because that is funny. I spend so much time at the cancer center that I guess hanging out is correct?

The everyday challenges of being a cancer patient / entering survivorship are heavy. Surviving is the goal but sometimes it doesn’t feel like a reward when you have to sacrifice everything about yourself in order to *hopfeully* live. Cancer doesn’t end when active treatment ends. And in my case, I don’t think my journey with cancer has an end. I celebrate what I can, but I grieve the rest.

Am I glad to be alive? Yes. Do I feel alive? Sometimes. I feel like all the trauma I chose to shove down during treatment is starting to bubble up. It is emerging from the depths of hell saying, “HELLOOOOOO. TIME TO DEAL WITH ME!” And I really don’t want to. I am barely getting my act together. Can I just pretend I am normal for a little longer?

So I will shove those thoughts down a little longer so I can go on my trip to Los Angeles and have a grand time. Here is my tentative agenda: Thursday drive down to Portland, Oregon and have a tasty little dinner at Deschutes Brewery; fly out of Portland Friday morning; eat a shit ton in LA Friday and Saturday; Saturday night see the Kaskade/Deadmau5 set; Sunday enjoy Disneyland; Monday fly back to Portland and drive home.

It is a whirlwind of activities in a small amount of time but I am excited to get away from the snow that is currently falling outside and remember what it is like to live.

Today’s song lyrics of the day are brought to you by Kaskade and Deadmau5.

“Add to the memory you keep
Remember when you fall asleep
Hold to the love that you know
You don’t have to give up to let go
To let go
To let go”

– I Remember, Kaskade, Deadmau5