Fast facts (if you don’t have time to read the full post): I met with my assigned radiologist last Tuesday to go over the results of my MRI and next steps. I left Thursday for my ~chemomoon~ and returned late Monday night. I have FOUR more days of radiation left! I had a simulation today for my spine radiation (more on that in a bit) so treatment continues to move on at a rate of several WTFs an hour. A LOT has happened since my last blog post so buckle up and grab some popcorn to catch up on all the chisme (the hot goss in Spanish!)

TO THE (VERY) LONG VERSION!

CHEMOMOON! It came and went faster than I could have imagined. One minute I was counting down the minutes the plane would land and the next I was freezing my ass off in the truck driving home. “Why were you freezing Madison!?” Great question, imaginary questioner! But before I can start with the tale of chemomoon, we have to talk about my fucking dumb spine.

In case you forgot (or are joining this conversation late) I had an MRI per the request of my radiologist like three weeks ago. Or is it four now? Honestly, I don’t remember. Because of state law, I get notice of my MRI results once they are released in my handy dandy MyChart. Of course your girl looked while she was at work and of course she cried. All I saw was that lesions had shrunk which was consistent with metastatic disease aka breast cancer in my spine aka stage IV. My assigned radiologist only works part time so I didn’t get to hear her personal thoughts on my results until last Tuesday, a mere two days before I left for the grand ole chemomoon. In short, she said that based on my MRI results, she would call me stage IV. Now, my oncologist has yet to weigh in on these results (she basically gets the final say) and I won’t see her until January 5 but all signs are pointing at mets (slang for metastatic.) Maybe it’s metastataic, maybe it’s Maybelline!

The good news is that the lesions shrunk, consistent with chemo doing mad work to ctrl + alt + delete the cancer. The bad news is that chemo worked meaning oh yeah there was cancer there just hanging out causing havoc.

Cool cool cool cool cool.

I mean everything I do, I do ~eXtReMe~ so why shouldn’t cancer be any different?

Oh and she also gave me some special lotion for my skin because my skin is starting to do really funky things. I will include a photo next time I blog because I want to scare all of you. Today my skin is starting to change colors. Am I a radiation mood ring? Current mood: fuck cancer.

Thursday was day one of chemomoon. I should have seen the writing on the wall that weird things were about to happen this whole entire trip, but I really tried to ignore the signs. Before we left, I was still waiting for my Disney shirt that I had ordered to come in via USPS. By 1:30 pm, we knew we needed to get on the road and couldn’t wait any longer because it was starting to snow pretty heavily in the Tri-Cities. We went to WinCo really quick since Jose had to grab a few last minute items and as he got into the car, I saw USPS come by the house on our Nest doorbell! SCORE. We raced back home and I picked up the package, only to be disappointed that it was a different package. So we left again, but stopped to get food. Right as we were on the light to get on the highway, I got another doorbell video and guess what fucker was at my door again? USPS! At that point I was not sure if the package had been delivered or not, so we opted to leave. (I found out later it was indeed my t-shirt. I should have gone back.)

We got into Portland later than expected due to the weather and some weird construction. We ate a quick dinner at Deschutes Brewery, guzzled some beers, and sped off to the hotel to drop off our stuff. Our first chemomoon treat was a comedy show featuring Michael Rapaport. If you remember, we saw him a week after my first week of chemo in March in Spokane where Jose awkwardly told him in front of everyone I had cancer since he was making fun of me as the only one wearing a mask. This show was my redemption: no mask, but still cancerous! Our primary goal was to meet him so when we got to the show Jose slid into his DMs on Instagram and as luck would have it, he responded to Jose. We left right in the middle of the opening acts to visit him in the hallway. I could tell Jose was over the moon and we could finally check that off our list. Lit.

With our little hearts content, we slept soundly. Normally hotel sounds sometimes keep us up, but the beer and happiness must have lulled us both into deep slumbers. Friday came and it was time to head to the airport for a 10:30 am flight but damn I should have remembered the signs I saw that this trip would not be all sunshine and flowers. We went into the parking garage of our hotel and as I opened the door on my side Jose suddenly said, “What the fuck.” Okay so that is a common phrase for him and can mean anything: shoe untied, unexpected poop urge, or him forgetting something. Honestly, I wish it could have been one of those options because it turned out someone had shattered the window behind the driver seat and stolen some of Jose’s stuff in the truck. We were literally 2 hours away from leaving Portland and we were panicking! At that moment I needed an adult. WHAT THE FUCK DO WE DO?

Luckily my anxiety med had kicked in by that point so I was able to think clearly but Jose was pure rage. We sped around desperately looking for a grocery store or gas station to buy plastic bags to put on the shattered window because we were leaving it at a different hotel for the nights we were gone. It was forecasted to rain the entire time we were gone. Would the truck get broken into again? Would it flood? It really sucked we had to just leave the mess behind but it started our trip on a very sour note. We made our flight and were able to leave the truck in secure parking (sadly outdoors) but damn it just felt like a dark cloud was hovering over us.

Los Angeles greeted us with warmth and palm trees and we stayed with my friend Max for the duration of the trip. It was my first trip to Los Angeles exclusively and Jose’s second. We were ready for good food and adventure! Friday night we had Korean BBQ which was deliciously expensive and Saturday we enjoyed the day wandering around downtown LA at the flower market and Santee Alley, basically a large flea market on steroids. Saturday was also more chill since we had the Kx5 set later that night and needed to conserve energy.

There was a mild panic in the back of my head because it was forecasted to rain the entire time at the concert and the event was outdoors at the LA Olympic coliseum. Luckily it didn’t start to pour until the set was done. BUT THE SET WAS SO AMAZING. The lights, the graphics and the music were incredible and hoping my chemobrain could retain the memories. It just felt one of those moments that I felt so alive. I loved that I could feel the bass pulse through my veins. I loved being surrounded by strangers in a crowd connected by music. The last (almost) three years (thanks to COVID and cancer… my two LEAST favorite “C” words) have been so hard. I so desperately wanted to grasp on to something normal and that moment felt like me in my early 20s, carefree and adventurous and living for the sake of creating moments and stories to share for years to come. Check, check, and check!

I just stood there in awe wondering how I got so lucky to be in that moment. I really tried to focus on being present as much as I could and ignore the fact that my feet were dead tired. Then the electricity in the venue went out randomly for 25 minutes mid-set. I seriously thought we were going to have to leave early. They eventually got it working again and played past curfew which was 11 pm. By 11:20, you could feel light rain sprinkles and by the time we made it out of the coliseum it was pouring. It took us a good hour after the event to get an Uber back to the house. That part really sucked and by then I was so tired I couldn’t sleep and had to wake up early for the grand finale: DISNEYLAND!

Disney as an adult is WAY more fun. I don’t get why people bring their kids. I know that seems really fucked up to say but like 9 year old me (the first time I went to Disney) didn’t get to appreciate everything this magical place has to offer. I get why articles said Disney was being ruined by millenials because we are looking for a good time and Disney has rides, alcohol, and Instagrammable features everywhere!

The day started off rough. It was POURING down rain. We raced to the Disney gift shoppe to buy me a Disney sweater (since my shirt was at home) and some ponchos. LITERALLY the moment we left the shoppe, the rain let up. I spent $44 on four fucking ponchos for no reason. I should have waited.

But of course the day got mostly better. I rode on every ride I had planned, ate three different kinds of churros, and laughed a ton. I learned I still hate Ferris wheels which makes me laugh. I can handle a roller coaster no problem but I can’t a fucking Ferris wheel. To be fair, I cannot handle a Ferris wheel container (sorry chemo brain right now… cannot remember the word I am looking for) that moves. It makes me sick. Oh and I lost my credit card in the middle of the day. (I filed it under lost and found and luckily they found it and are sending it to me via mail!) I got 20,000+ steps that day and we left the park at 9:30 pm with a gingerbread churro in-hand. There was so much food I didn’t get to sample and drinks I wanted to try. I guess I have to come back. Tehehe. You can see a reel summary of my trip here.

I don’t want to dwell too much on this again but the ride home from Portland was fucking awful with the shattered window. We tried to cover it up but the high speeds kept ripping the bags off the window (even with tape!) so we rode home with it exposed. It was fucking cold even with my coat and beanie on. There was freezing fog in spots, rain in others, and a dark mood of sadness. Aside from those mishaps and the weather, it was a memorable trip and one that makes me want to travel more again soon.

Do I recommend chemomoon to cancer patients? Yes. The sense of power that comes with celebrating completing aspects of cancer treatment is irreplaceable. It feels like taking a part of life back. It feels like control. IT feels like a big middle finger to the fuckery in my body. Cancer??? NOT ON MY WATCH. Nothing is guaranteed in this life. And with my impending stage IV diagnosis, it just feels more imperative to do the things I really want to do and cut out the bullshit. Treatment has given me time on this earth to live and life is for the living.

And I so desperately want to live.

Today’s song lyrics of the day are brought to you by Kx5.

“The memory of you won’t let me go
It’s there on the shore letting me know
The further you get, the closer I am
To finding a place I understand

Where will I feel alive?
Alive
Where will I feel alive?
Alive”

– Alive (feat. The Moth & The Flame), Kx5, deadmau5, Kaskade, The Moth & The Flame