Fast facts (if you don’t have time to read the full post): All last week I was sick as fuck. COVID evolved into some sort of upper respiratory bacterial infection so I was out for the count. I met with my oncologist yesterday and got some long awaited answers, both good and bad.

TO THE LONG VERSION!

It has been 330 days since I was diagnosed on February 21, 2022 with breast cancer. Time flies when you are getting fucked over by the universe! But now that a lot of the hard parts are over, I am over here like the John Travolta meme wondering what the fuck just happened???

Diagnosis. Weird port surgery. Chemo. Stomach injections. Red devil. Lots of naps. Constipation. More chemo. Boobs chopped off. Numb chest. Radiation. More drugs.

White noise.

I saw my oncologist yesterday and I was not there to fuck around. The good news: I lost 7 pounds. This is significant for me because I just want to feel more comfy in my body again. I got a lil fluffy during chemo which I mean no biggie but at the same time I like it when my pants aren’t suffocating my belly button. When I weighed and saw the number, I pulled out my best Kip “YES” impression. The nurse awkwardly looked at me and said, “That is literally the first time I have ever seen anyone excited about their weight.” I am special, I guess.

The other good news is that my oncologist declared me NO EVIDENCE OF DISEASE! I am NED! NED NED NED NED NED! Scream it from the rooftops that I have entered the remission stage of cancer and it feels SO good. But this is cancer we are talking about and cancer never comes with just good news.

The bad news is I am officially categorized as stage IV. So so so devastating and stupid and fucking lame. I just wanted her to say it because she had not to my face at that point. She acted like she had told me before and was like, “Well you can’t go down in stages.” I know. I am not a cancer muggle, lady. With that news she proceeded to tell me that she would recommend I never have children at this point since I would be putting myself at risk for recurrence and it probably would be really bad. Since I am hormone positive (80% of my cells are estrogen receptor positive) a pregnancy would introduce hormones and feed my cells what they love: estrogen. That news was depressing. I am in a “Babies After Breast Cancer” Facebook group and there are plenty of folks who are hormone positive having kids, but I don’t think I have read anyone who is stage IV pulling this off. But I like to believe in miracles and that my body is capable of amazing things. After all, I survived chemo and radiation. I can do hard things.

Ultimately, I have decided that I want to seek out another opinion on my case since I don’t like her approach on the topic. I think I want more information. In the meantime, I will continue with the maintenance drugs. I started my oral hormone blocker pill on Sunday. I have another drug we will be introducing soon called a PARP inhibitor. She wanted to wait a bit before starting me on it. It sounds like I will be on it for a year I think? But she said she has to talk with my insurance and make sure they approve it because it is extremely expensive and see how much my out of pocket will be. We may have to approach the Tri-Cities Cancer Center Foundation about helping me pay for the drug since she said for some patients it could cost up to $200 out of pocket per refill. I am not sure how many I have to take, frequency, or how many come in a prescription but I will learn more next month on February 13. That is my next appointment and favorite injection (sarcasm).

It is nice the dust is settling though. I am tired of fighting. I am entering what I view as the hardest phase of cancer treatment: survivorship. How do I rebuild my life? What do I want to prioritize? What matters most to me? How do I heal from this devastating and life changing event? Is it possible to heal and move forward? I guess time will tell.

I thought my relationship with cancer would have some sort of end and unfortunately it never will. Someday cancer will kill me. I mean, something else could kill me like a car or something but realistically cancer will first. I hope it is decades from now but it very well could be a decade from now. Or even five years from now. Maybe a cure for cancer will magically appear before then. That would be nice. I’d pay big money to be cured of this stupidity.

Today’s song lyrics of the day are brought to you by Galantis.

“Smile
Show me where it hurts
‘Cause you ain’t got nothing to worry about

I said smile
No matter what you heard
There’s a paler shade of grey, my friend”

– Smile, Galantis