Fast facts (if you don’t have time to read the full post): Another month down of oral chemo! My body is stabilizing, but fatigue is still kicking my ass. It makes me wonder how much of my fatigue is my body still recovering from chemo/radiation and how much is my new meds? Will I be like this forever? I have my first bi-yearly infusion of Zometa on June 5. I had a close call and almost had to do an infusion without emotional support humans and my chemo bag/pod supplies. Luckily the nurses like me and helped me advocate to get it moved to next month.

Countdown to last day of oral chemo: 273 days

TO THE LONG VERSION!

I’ve always dreamed of having a large yard with a massive garden. There is something extremely gratifying about picking an overly ripe tomato out of your personal paradise, drizzling it with a hose to remove the dirt, and biting so deep into the flesh that the thick ooze of juice and seeds trickle down your neck onto your perfectly white tank top. You know the risks of eating a tomato while wearing white, but it is summer. You are in your yard. Who the fuck cares? Also fuck your white tank top.

I tried to build a small fence garden when I lived in my tiny 496 square foot studio, but failed miserably. I think the nonstop direct sunlight and concrete did not do me any favors or offer any relief to the delicate plants. Then when I bought my house in December 2020, the dreams were revitalized with the massiveness of my back yard. I dug some holes along the fence, not realizing that I would need to do more than just dig a fucking hole and plant a plant in it, but I was just too excited by the fact I could DIG A HOLE IN MY OWN YARD. Out of two tomato plants, I only got one tomato the whole summer. Major fail.

I told myself summer 2022 would be the year I’d have the garden of my dreams. I just needed to do the research and lay the ground work for a jungle of tomato plants! But those plans came to a screeching halt on February 21 when I received my diagnosis. My dad bought me a standing garden and helped me build it when I was going through treatment, but the single tomato plant didn’t produce and I was too tired to care for it. So I looked towards summer 2023 with great earnestness.

When March of this year rolled around, I only had one thing on my mind: gardens. Well, that is a lie. I had a lot of things on my mind but for the sake of my house and yard, I could only think about gardens. There was just one problem: weeds had taken over the entire back lawn. There was NO grass in sight anymore. Although I am very pro bees, the crab grass/dandelion/mystery weed combo just…. sucks. So before a garden could even be realized I had to solve the problem of having a space to even put raised beds without them being overrun by my new unwelcomed yard guests. Cue mission “ROTOTILL THE SHIT OUT OF THE YARD.”

I thought this would be a day activity that could be accomplished in a matter of a few hours, but actually rototilling is a lot of work and a lot of HARD work. But we finally got enough of the yard done that I could set up my first raised bed and it left me in tears, which I knew might happen but it was for a reason that I didn’t expect.

When you slow down in life, you might start noticing things you didn’t before. This might be the smell of the trees in the spring or how your cat looks like a shrimp curled up on your lap mid nap on a Saturday afternoon. And then life picks up again and those little details fade into the background of the daily grind. But what if those small things became your every day experience? I feel like cancer has made me slow down permanently and all I see are things I was too busy to appreciate before my diagnosis.

The sun was setting in the yard and I was admiring my first raised bed with four tomato plants nestled tightly into the fresh compost. What a beautiful sight. But then a robin flew into the yard and perched on the wood of the bed. I love animals so seeing a creature hanging out in my yard will always bring me joy. Out of weird curiosity, I googled the symbolic meaning of a robin and this is what came up first: “For centuries, this tiny bird has been the symbol of good luck, happiness, rebirth – and sometimes even as a messenger for lost, loved ones. There are tales stretching back to Norse mythology where the robin is the protector from storms and lightning.”

At this point I am getting choked up because this yard just felt like a symbol of my life: what was once a fresh grassy area was overtaken by weeds and in order to start over, I had to destroy and rebuild. But also this little fella was bringing luck to my yard, so maybe a blessing of a fruitful harvest is in my future? Me being the nut that I am, maybe the bird is finally giving me some good luck too. I sure as hell need a sign that things will be on the up and up soon.

Anyway, finally my simple dream of growing my own tomato plants to make pizza sauce and salsa is coming true. It is all I have wanted for a very long time. I can’t help but feel immeasurable gratitude. I literally go out into my yard and stare at my plants, willing them to grow tall and strong. Every leaf brings me joy. I am a happy little farmer.

What I am NOT happy about is surprise infusions. I mentioned last time that there was a new infusion on my horizon called Zometa. According to breastcancer.org, “Zometa typically is used to reduce bone complications and bone pain caused by advanced-stage breast cancer that has spread to the bone.” This drug limits the activity of certain bone cells which help cause the bone weakening and destruction that can happen when breast cancer spreads to the bone.

I am taking this drug for two reasons: I have bone mets and because my cancer is hormone positive, I take hormone blockers. A consequence of a lack of estrogen (thus being in menopause) is bone loss, osteoporosis, and fractures. Ya girl is not interested in breaking a bone. I have gone 30 years in my life never breaking one. It is a streak I am proud of and one that I am not willing to break any time soon. Basically this drug will help strengthen my bones but also there is some evidence from research showing that Zometa may help reduce recurrence. (This article is great if you want to do a deeper dive.)

I will need to do infusions of this drug twice a year for about three years. Last month when I met with my oncologist she casually mentioned I will most likely do my first infusion in May or June. Now, I generally get notified when infusions or changes are happening to my schedule so imagine my surprise when I went in this month for my routine blood work and stomach stabbing only to be told that they also wanted to infuse me! I can’t get infused without my chemo bag. I need my chemo pod decor! I also need emotional support humans to help plot orchestrated plans to steal oatmeal and share chemocuterie with.

Real talk: I miss chemo sessions mainly for the havoc I liked to create and the friendships I made. I don’t miss chemo. That part sucked but the snacks were lit. So I begged the lab nurses to let people know that I couldn’t get infused because I didn’t ask for the time off from work. Little did they know that my work supports me and would have been happy to let me stay. I just wanted to have my lights for my IV pole. And that is how my first Zometa infusion was moved to June 5.

In other news, my labs are showing that my white blood cell count is barely within range. Glad I am not tanked anymore (special shout out to shingles for fucking me up.) I still need to avoid sick people and large gatherings, but I have started to go to the gym more often. Physically, I am feeling more like myself. Mentally, I am still a lost leaf in the breeze. What are my goals? How do I plan a future knowing I have this chronic illness that will forever follow me? How does one plan with cancer?

That might be a good book. It is just a single page that says, “How does one plan with cancer? One day at a time.” And that is it. That is the pro tip.

Today’s song lyrics of the day are brought to you by Lips.

“So it would mean everything to me
You can fight but you won’t always win
Somehow life finds a way to beat you
But I’ll come join you in the ring
Guess it shows just how much I need you”

– Everything To Me – Adventure Club Remix, Lips, Adventure Club